Did FIL gas light DP

[Anotherchapter]

Bit of back story .

MIL and FIL had bitter divorce.
Fil sodded off with OW.
MIL Said her therapist told her he was a sociopath and that he regularly gals lighted her.

BUT if I had a check list for a narc mil would tick every box - so I never took much notice of her.

On one if my first meeting of FIL, he told me that dp reminded him of his own father - the way he walked, talked and was very selfish. I never met the bloke but dp is certainly not selfish, far from it. Dp grandfather was also a pedophile and woman beater. So I was a bit shocked and told dp what he said. Dp had a word with him.

Fil and OW split up. He moved back to the area. He has been coming around quite a lot, for evening meal. He calls round a lot earlier than he knows dp will be back from work.

Last night before dp came in, we were talking about dp. I commented he was really forgetful and distracted and it drives me nuts. He told me not to be too hard as he was v.busy at work.

This morning DP and FIL went to go pick a new car up. It's a car dp will fix up and sell on. We were all in the garden looking at it ect.. Dp went in, FIL got In his car and I waved from the door.

About ten mins later dp could not find his keys for said car and tipped the house upside down about half hour later I phoned FIL and asked him if he had picked them up. He said no. Cue DP confused still searching the house, me getting pissed off because he was disturbing dd nap and snapping at him about his forgetfulness.

Dp rang him another thirty mns later to double check and FIL says he has them! That he thought I met the family car keys....

Dp asked him to bring them back . I said to dp 'why did he say no to me' dp replied " I don't know .. Mind games'

Dp went to work, FIL came and dropped the keys off but stood in the door way. He said "oh I thought you meant the Merc " I just looked at him and he carried on with " they were on the car roof, anybody could have took them" when he got no response from that she had a sly little dig about him not doing something he should have done and that he has been messing about with cars all morning. FIL had been with him all the time so could have prompted him.

Just all felt a bit weird. Spidy senses are tingling....

Why the fuck would he take our car keys? Why did he tell me no bt say to dp after an hour yes??

Trust your gut.

He lied to you. You rang and asked if he had the keys. He said no because he thought you meant the family car (which is clearly bollocks) but neglected to mention that he's taken the keys to the other car from the roof where they'd been left? Because, later on, he hinted that the whole debacle was YOUR fault because the keys were left on the roof and someone could have taken them?

Normal people say "Here son, put the keys in your pocket". They don't take them home and then deny having them to teach you a lesson. He knew you would have been tearing the house apart searching for them.

diving I know. I feel really stupid for welcoming him in. How strange.

He sounds like a twisted fucker! I'm cross just reading this!

He could well be the reason your mil is the way she is and it sounds like the ow realised in time to escape. He needs someone to play mind games with and since he doesn't have a woman to control he's going to use you and your DH to get his fix. I would have a serious discussion with your husband about cutting down on contact.

I'm just wondering if he's going to start dropping hints about your husbands relationship with your dd. Actually, when I think about it, he's already started by comparing him to the grandfather.

staying it's really got to me, I told a friend about it this afternoon and they just laughed it off but I find it really weird. There was no good reason to take them. I feel like he really played me last night. He probably did and I was just wittering on.

He's messing with your head, because it gives him a power trip. The 'coming round before DP gets home' gives him a chance to divide the two of you - he'll get you to talk about DP, then he'll repeat things to DP that you said, spinning them to stir up trouble.

He's already making nasty little insinuations about DP, and setting up a scenario where as pp said, he can put little doubts in your head about DPs relationship with your DD.

Take this time as a warning - this is not a man you can trust. He enjoys doing this to people. Whether or not your MIL had her own problems to start off with, I have no doubt he made them worse.

I would put in some distance - your DP already knows his father likes to play mind games. Now you know too. Do you want him in and out of your house, in and out of your DDs life as a trusted figure?

Stop having him come round early, for one thing. If he just turns up, go out and don't be in until nearer dinner time.

No scotland I don't. It took me a long time to like/trust him after what he said when I first met him. He has pissed on his chips now. No more meals cooked.

He gas lighted you OP, not your partner.

You specifically asked if he picked them up. Who knowingly picks someone else's keys up and takes them home and then lies about it?

If he asks why you are not playing ball any more, I hope you can say 'you gas lighted me, and I am not going to play those sort of games with anyone. You are not welcome here'.

He did , didn't he

What a knob. Why though? I've been nothing but welcoming.

I think he did it to make me feel annoyed at dp.

It sounds like he enjoys being in control - in his mind he didn't really lie, you just asked the wrong questions. Which means that he is more clever than you. He had the pair of you dancing around looking for the keys, when he knew exactly where they were and knew you were looking for them. But the game has rules, which only exist in his mind, like redefining what you said in a way that makes it your fault and not his. So he chose to define 'car' as the Merc, not the car he and DP had been looking at.

Getting you annoyed at DP for not being able to find the keys, or DP annoyed at you would have been the icing on the cake.

There doesn't have to be any real reason for it - as you say, you've been welcoming to him and there isn't any argument around, so it's not about 'getting back at you' for anything.

It's just fun.

So you mention to FIL that your DP being absent minded drives you bonkers, and hey presto the keys to missing so you get annoyed at your DP for losing the keys and being absent minded as to where they are.

Calculating, very very calculating. He is trying to stir up trouble between you and divide and conquer.

Keep at arms length OP he is trying is power trips on you now.

Never criticise your DP to him, even in a mild way. It will all be stored up to use later. In fact, I would tell him as little as possible.

Weird that a person's dad would come out with a nasty comparison when meeting his son's new gf so early on.

If it weren't for that and now this key incident, FIL arriving early when he knows that DP is not due home yet would not be particularly noteworthy but he is a stirrer, he was trying to get you onside.

At least you know now where you stand. MIL may have had her own faults but gas lighting is so hard to explain to outsiders. I agree with previous posts, the man can't help pushing buttons, attempting to control the people around him. Be careful.

Is there any history of abuse towards your FIL from his father? I assume this is who you meant when you stated that your DP's grandfather was a paedophile

Thanks all,

I will never criticise dp in front of him again. I could kick myself about last night. He manipulated me. I can't put in in to words but I know he did. I'm going to completely disengage - which is actually going to be hard as I'm helping out with things.

baking fils dad was a monster. He sexually abused one of his daughters, physically abused his sons, regularly battered his wife,killed her dog while she was on holiday, had two other women on the go and his wife had to STFU or get a good hiding, offered mil money to sleep with him.