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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling like an idiot, been flirting with a married man.

11 replies

ImaginaryPoster · 16/09/2014 12:28

I feel absolutely awful. Been texting, messaging and speaking on the phone with a guy from years ago.

He and I had a one night stand after knowing each over as friends for over a year. After sleeping together we both felt in the wrong place emotionally and mentally (plus very young 18/19) to take things further and our friendship fizzled out after.

Fast-forward 10 years and after a failed relationship on both our sides (so I thought) I have 3DC and he has 1. I had just about given in on relationships and was happy with my lot. He friend requested me and then messaged me on FB. We got on very well, picked up where we left off friendship wise. My photos and status make it very clear I have 2DC with SN, he seemed to accept that as a non-issue.

We spoke about his DC all leading me to believe he was single although looking back he never actually said it. He spoke of never getting married again, finding long hours and looking after DC difficult. Seemed in a pattern of not speaking on certain days so I presumed those were his days organised to have DC. And in the gym a lot and late home on days he didn't speak of DC.

We got very flirty over the last month and organised a date in two weeks (my lack of childcare makes organising things difficult so this was soonest I could do) He offered to come round over the past month and meeting with DCs all of which I'm uncomfortable with so we stuck to the date idea.

I checked out his photos etc without knowing when he split etc it seemed to fit with his single story. Photos of DC with lots of extended family members but none (except newborn) of the three of them, one or two wedding ones around the wedding but nothing since.

He also seems always available to talk and message, I felt like I had contact with him most of the time.

So this morning I log onto FB and find his wife has tagged him in a video of their child, he is sat relaxed in the background in what I know to be 'his' house. She is clearly at home also, not just visiting.

I feel so stupid, from the message with the video is clear they are a family together. I clicked on her and can only see ones he is tagged in but all are of family life. Some of the ones I've seen previously are actually from her account. I feel so had, even her profile pic has his car in the background. The worst bit is in the video he has his phone, typing away, probably messaging me. It makes me feel sick.

I now can't see the video and he is messaging me as normal, he's obviously blocked me from seeing it and is hoping I didn't see it. I haven't replied and won't be. Just can't believe I fell for his lies, or actually they weren't even that he just didn't tell the truth.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 12:30

Lesson learned. Move on, nothing to see here except maybe a reset of your bullshit radar and your embracing of the "soul mate" mythology.

NoImSpartacus · 16/09/2014 12:33

You've had a lucky escape. What has happened isn't your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty or bad about. Delete him from FB and block him from your phone and move on. Unfortunately, his behaviour seems to be quite common nowadays.

His poor wife Sad

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 12:37

wow, lucky escape indeed, because the next time he's trying to dupe somebody in to thinking he's single he'll have learnt not to be friends on fb. So you were the lucky one really. He'll have honed his deceitful skills from this experience, and you'll have recalibrated your bullshit radar.

I keep saying it on threads but if a man won't/can't meet for coffee & brunch on Sunday or a pub lunch on sat or sunday.................... then fee fi fo fum I smell married.

M00nUnit · 16/09/2014 12:38

You shouldn't feel like an idiot - you had no reason to think he was deceiving you. I'm not surprised you're hurt and I do feel for you - hope you can move on from this quickly and meet someone more deserving of you.

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 12:39

I wonder if his wife half suspected he was out there giving the impression he was single to all and sundry?

ImaginaryPoster · 16/09/2014 12:48

That's the thing he was willing to meet up whenever, weekends or weekdays it was me that couldn't. I feel for the wife, poor lady sat there while he's texting me.

If she did have an idea, do you think I should reply to him making it clear I didn't know? Then if she reads the messages it will be clear that now I know, I want nothing to do with him and had I known at the start it would have never have happened.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 16/09/2014 12:54

I might send a text saying I'd seen his FB and it's clear he's not single as he'd said, and therefore I was blocking him, but other than that, I'd just leave it and move on.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/09/2014 15:02

I would put it straight on fb, that you need to cancel your date on x day at x time, very sorry and all. How are you to know he's married? Grin
Let his wife find out and then at least she'll have a choice what to do about the lying bastard.

EBearhug · 16/09/2014 16:35

Let his wife find out and then at least she'll have a choice what to do about the lying bastard.

Yeah, but if she doesn't know already - she's not the one who deserves to be publically humiliated when she finds out on FB.

Quitelikely · 16/09/2014 16:45

You've dodged a bullet. Move on and don't look back!

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 16:53

an innocent

"i didn't know you had a family" could be construed as either very significant, or just "i did not know you had a family". I think I said to the IT guy the otehr day "i did not know you were married" and all I meant was that now I knew, but previously, I had not known............... :-P

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