Anyone got any advice re my clinically depressed Mum?

[confusedmum2one]

Hi everyone

It's a really long story but in short, my mum has been depressed for 45 years. She has 8 grown up kids and loving husband. She's been in and out of hospital over the 45 yrs after nervous breakdowns but has always had good periods and low periods. She's a very controlling woman as well doesn't trust anyone. She talks about all her kids behind their backs to anyone and to siblings which makes it awkward because we know she stirs things and blatantly twists things that we've said (luckily the siblings talk to each other so know when she has lied about what we've said/done).

Over the years we have all been really supportive, encouraging and enthusiastic for her. We have all gone out of our way to be there for her and spent lots of time with her. She has no interest at all in anything and just wants to sit on her backside all day eating cakes. We try to motivate her but it's no use. She is counted as "care in the community", they wont take her back into hospital as the doctor has said there isn't any more treatment to try (She's had EST, ADs, counselling etc). and said "it's up to her now to help herself".

I'm not sure if I'm being really cruel as I don't know what it's like but for the last 2 years it's been constant none stop duldrums with her, she's not interested in her recently born grandchildren at all. I get depressed speaking to her on the phone (I live 500 miles away) so try to limit my phone calls to her and its got to the point now where I just don't want to speak to her at all. . When I last saw her we had a disagreement and she went into a evil nasty attack on me then proceeded to go into her house and lie about what we had fallen out about.

Does anyone have any advice?
I feel guilty for wanting to just not have anything to do with her, we're not trained to counsel her and it's so demorilising spending hours on the phone trying to encourage and motivate her then its all forgotten when she comes off the phone. I think I would have more patience if she appeared to be a nicer person but she's so horrible about us to each other and never has a nice word to say about anyone.

Thanks

No advice I am afraid but I understand how you feel a bit. My Mum too suffers from depression although hasn't been hospitalised like yours.

She just loves to play the martyr. Won't do anything to help herself. Wants to go to bed around 10.30 and sleep in till 10.30 every day - wonders why she can't sleep. I keep telling her is because she doesn't do anything. I am so sick of trying to bolster her up and she just does nothing.

So - sorry I can't; offer advice but I understand how you feel!

In the same boat . Sorry nothing constructive to add; I don't know what to do about mine either. So draining. But you're not alone

Hmm, not sure I should respond to this post, very emotive issue. Just read this as my experience and my opinion of my experience rather than advice or opinion abot your situation because everyone is different and we are all coloured by our experiences. My mother also has had long term clinical depression snce she was a child/teenager, breakdowns etc and in her bad periods she is difficult at best to deal with and be with. So I perfectly understand what you are saying and there have been times when I have wanted to be as far away as possible from her because she is so hard to handle. I was very resentful of this for a long time and found it difficult to understand why she would't help herself or why she just couldn't try a bit harder to cheer up or make and effort. Then I got depression (have now had bad episodes with treatment on 3 occasions over 10 years) and I now realise that she can't help herself when things are bad, she is neither physically or mentally capable of doing so. I still get frustrated with her (partly because she deals with her illness in a very different way to me and being a smartarse I think my way is best)but I am much more understanding and tolerant of her now. Both you and your mum have my sympathy. you have to give yourself the space you need from her in order to cope and that is nothing to feel guilty about but also remember that even when she is driving you nuts your mum can't help it and she is very unlikely to be doing it n purpose. There is a very good book called sunbathing in the rain which might help you to understand its written by a sufferer but it has a lot in it for carers and families and how depression affects them etc. x

Bewilderbeast thanks for your reply, it has helped me to take a different view on this and also make me feel better that I want to distance myself from her.

Please ignore me if you would rather not answer my next question - did you find your Mother or yourself be quite nasty about anyone (especially loved ones) during depression? I think this is why I'm finding it so frustrating at the moment - she has energy to make snips about us or twist things but not energy to agree to things we suggest.

I really don't think I'll be able to hold that back next time she is bitchy about someone to me - I think my response will be "why don't you put that energy into getting better". It goes against what I was brought up with - to respect my parents but I don't think I can bite my tongue anymore - hence why I think I should distance myself rather than say something like that?

i can (thanks to a hell of a lot of therapy) answer your question. Yes we were both awful! Thing is you almost can't help it. I was vicious to everyone I loved including my then partner to whom I was even physically abusive (and I am writing this on the understanding that no-one gives me any grief about this as I have seen happen on other threads, I am quite capable of torturing myself on this one and do not need any assistance in that department).it's very like watching yourself in a movie you can see yourself doing and saying the most god awful things and the real you is stuck inside behind a glass wall crying and screaming at yourself not to do them. The guilt is tremendous. In the moments of clarity and sanity I do not know one person with whom I am acquainted who has depression and who does not bitterly regret the way they behave when they are ill. I think you would be much better stepping away from a tense situation than saying something you may later regret.
Here if needed. x

Thanks Bewilderbeast you really have helped me understand that the nastiness (she nearly broke up my brother's marriage and had a lot of ill feeling between siblings before we started speaking honestly to each other) is part of the depression.

Now I will take the advice that I should just keep my distance rather than pulling her up on the nastiness.

You've really made me feel a lot better about it all. If my Mum asks me why I've not been calling as often etc should I just say I've been really busy or should I be truthul and say something like I find it hard when you're ill?

Thanks

Confused my mum is also incredibly bitchy and negative about people all the time; that's one of the reasons i find her such hard work. She'll look for the worst in everyone and I'm weary of coaxing her out of it. For example her sil (my late father's sister, who's also a widow) sent her a postcard bought abroad on holiday this summer, but posted back in the UK. My mum's grim and winging take on this was that Auntie S was "too mean" to buy the local stamp, was always out to save a few pence etc etc., rather than just telling me Auntie S had been to XXX and sent her a card. I jokingly just said that maybe auntie was as disorganised as I was, and had run out of time before the end of the holiday..at least she'd sent a card after all ! I just haven't got the head space to deal with all this; every time we speak (we're hundreds of miles apart) her talk is simply full of literally dozens upon dozens of imagined slights and wrongs. I feel so guilty about my heart sinking every time i call to speak to her, or if she rings me. Another time some cousins of my dad's popped in to see her. Not, it was nice to see Y and Z, but rather A and B are sooo nosy, always trying to find out all about my business...and then a massive bitchfest about something one of them said to her 30 years ago or something.

Is that the sort of stuff you mean ?

I don't know what to do either.tbh.

Confused.
Hard to say whether you should be honest or not. Kind of depends on the state your mother is in at the time. I have always shielded and protected my mother from truths like that because I know that she isn't strong enough to deal with it and that the truth would be a very destrutive force and would not help her to get better.On the other hand there have been one or two occasions when I have appreciated people being honest with me about why they are distant/mad at me. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt because its like a knife through the heart every time but at least I know where i stand. But as I have said my mother and I deal with our illnessess very differently partly, I think, owing to the change in society's attitude to depression I find it easier to deal with because my age group are slightly more understanding and supportive my mother's age group still see it as a major taboo and something to be ashamed of. You have to make a judgement call to do both what is best for you but take into consideration what you think your mother can deal with at the time.

Wanderingstar... that is EXACTLY the type of thing I'm talking about. Perfect example.

I'm just finding it really hard to always give the positive side to whatever my Mum is bitching about. Thats why I just don't think I can speak very often now.

Bewilderbeast - any advice for my Dad? I fear he's turning to alcohol for escapism. My parents aren't well off and so my Dad often works 6/7 day weeks (he's self employed). On his day off my mum will have hime doing work on the house and constantly nags him. If he stands up for himself my mum goes balistic and he now doesn't do that as it's too much hassle. He loves her and that's why he's standing by her.

Thanks for all your experiences, it's really made me feel like we're not alone.