Can anyone help me work this out?

[Scoopmuckdizzy]

I've NC as I feel a bit foolish.

When DS was born 3 years ago he took DP's surname, DP always said he wanted to marry me so it seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. We have since had another DC who also has his name.

There was a thread on here yesterday which sort of sparked me to talk to DP last night about what he's been saying. It turns out, despite telling me all along he wants me to be his wife, telling me he wants me to have the same surname as the the rest of the family and telling me that he wants me to be with him forever he doesn't actually want to.

He's been married before but always said he'd do it again in a heartbeat, but apparently not.

I poured my heart out to him, I love him so much that if he asked me to marry him tomorrow wearing a bin bag I'd do it because it's not a wedding I'm after, it's to be married to him. He gets cross with me then for ruining 'it', despite admitting that marriage is not what he wants.

I brought up the subject of our DCs surnames as it bothers me that we aren't the same, I grew up with a different surname to the rest of my family as my DM remarried and used to feel the odd one out, DP thinks my longing to have the same name as my children is some result of this.

So he's told me to just change the DCs names to my surname if that's what I want. It's not what I want, I want him to love me enough and want me like I want him. I want him to want me to be his wife. I have asked him to stop mentioning our wedding, and stop saying he wants me to be his wife as it's clearly not going to happen. It's come as a huge shock if I'm honest, I thought we were on the same page and wanting the same things.

The thing is, it's never me that brings it up in the first place. Yes I've made my feelings crystal clear to him but I don't talk about it like he does.

It's made me feel a bit crap really.

I know it's not a huge problem in the grand scheme of things. We love each other and apart from the normal amount of ups and downs we're pretty stable. He isn't an arse. Just a bit confusing.

Has he said why he doesn't want to get married?

Hang on, he tells you he wants to be married, but he actually doesn't?

Unfortunately he is an arse and he has mislead you throughout. He has never intended to marry you from the very beginning.

You should read the "5 years no ring" thread on these pages, that scenario is very similar.

The only good that has come out of your relationship is your two children.

Am sorry but he has manipulated you all along with the promise of marriage and now its not happening. He may well marry again at some point - but it will not be to you. You are his "she will do for now" woman.

What is the situation with regards to property and finances?. Are there wills?. If you have a mortgage are you named on this and or the title deeds?. I sincerely hope you are already on those, your legal position as it stands is precarious to say the very least. If he dropped dead next week you would be really up the creek without a paddle. There is an awful lot you cannot do as his unmarried partner if he died suddenly.

You need to carefully consider your own future within this.

I know you're saying he isn't an arse but either he is completely underestimating how important this is to you and he's completely oblivious to the fact that you are at a legal and financial disadvantage through his refusal to marry or he is an arse . . .

Giving him the benefit of the doubt (since you seem to want to and you say that the relationship is pretty stable) then I'd:

a)try to find out if his previous experience of marriage is prompting this reluctance and how he can address whatever those fears are
b) change the DCs' surnames (your DH only suggested that as a solution because he thought you wouldn't do it but if it is important to you then have a chat with your DCs (depending on their ages) and change their names or add a double-barreled name)
c) start a discussion about what legal safeguards you are both going to put in place so you're not left at a disadvantage by his refusal to marry
d) every time he says he wants you to be his wife - stop him and challenge it. He doesn't get to play with your emotions and cultivate a public image of someone who is wanting to get married when he has made it clear in private that isn't the case.

After typing all of that, I still think he's an arse - sorry

It is a big deal because you've been led along being promised something and now you've been let down and told it's not happening. It's a serious breach of trust to be lied to like that, your feelings and wishes are not being taken seriously at all, and his solution ... change the DCs' surnames... is missing the point spectacularly.

As said above, you and your DCs are potentially in a vulnerable position in the event of his death or a split. If marriage isn't on the cards any more, take urgent steps now to protect yourself legally and financially. You need wills, documented property ownership, life insurance, finances generally.

quitelikey I asked him why but he didn't really have a reason, he just doesn't want to. I think if he could give me a reason it would be easier to understand. Right now I feel like he thinks I'm not good enough for him.

atilla it was the five years no ring thread yesterday that triggered the talk. I think I have just been waiting for him to be ready but I suppose now at least we're both aware of his not wanting to. I really do feel like a stop gap! I'm just gutted they won't have married parents, even though at the moment they don't understand anyway. With regards to changing their names does that sound like a reasonable thing to do? He's said he doesn't mind either way.

I'm not worried about the house - its mine and I am secure financially and would be if we parted. I don't know much about my legal position otherwise though.

So what does he contribute to your house?
If I were you I'd be changing the DC surname to yours.
Might make him realise you are prepared to follow through.
I don't think this liar is in it for the long haul otherwise he wouldn't be saying one thing and doing another.
Actions speak louder and all that.
Do you both work full time?
I'd look into what would happen if you split and get myself armed with legal advice, just in case.

Thank you for all your replies.

It really helps to know I'm not being ridiculous about this and it is a big deal for him to suddenly, after years of promises and suggestive comments, tell me it's not happening.

The DC are both under 3 so wouldn't remember having their surname changed.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond to me

"He's said he doesn't mind either way."

This man has all the get up and go of a wet sock! 'Doesn't mind either way' sounds very much like 'can't be arsed', which seems to be his default setting. Where's the commitment? Where's the enthusiasm?

Regarding your legal position, it's going to be worth taking advice. What would happen if one of you died, for example? Do you have life insurance, wills in each other's favour, and who would be guardian of the DCs? If you split up what would happen? If one of you was incapable of making a decision (injured for example) would the other be able to act on their behalf?

His suggestion to change their surname to reflect yours now is indeed totally missing the point by a country mile. Birth certificates cannot be altered to show such a name change. This is indeed a severe breech of trust as Cogito has suggested.

I would still talk to a Solicitor regarding your own legal position currently because as his unmarried partner you have little to no rights at all. You and he are seen in law as two separate individuals who are not married to each other.

If he wanted to marry you he would have moved heaven and earth years earlier to do so. Saying he does not want to re marriage is infact no reason at all; he is saying that for reasons (and there are always reasons why) he has not yet told you (perhaps his experience of his previous marriage is behind all this, does he have children from that marriage to his ex wife?).

He needs to realise too and or spelt out to him very clearly that a cohabitation split can be also a long and drawn out affair.

Change both DC surnames to yours only. He's only agreeing to this as he thinks you won't follow through, so prove him wrong.

Also, I agree with PPs, secure your position financially. However, I think you are looking at the practicalities and missing the main problem. Your DP has either actively misled you for the majority of your relationship, which should not be swept under the carpet, or he once did want to marry you but no longer does, don't ignore this.

If he makes comments about marriage and your wedding again, whilst maintaining his current stance, I'd cut him off with a sharp "oh do fuck off dear". Good luck.

Speak to a solicitor just to ensure you are as financially secure as you assume. Rights to the 'family' home can be more complicated than they first appear.

Change the DCs' names as it is important to you, and they are young enough not to really notice the difference. Of course he may suddenly start to bother about it if you take that step but that's ok too. He needs to start appreciating the far-reaching implications of his sudden refusal to marry.

to read these threads as it strikes a nerve for me. Slightly different as we've no DC's together, I have two DC's and am the divorced one.

There's no financial issue in remaining as we are as I'm financially secure. It's more the emotional commitment I'm looking for.

I have no advice really, just sympathising as it's a shit situation.

I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough for him to make the effort. He says often enough that if he wants something he goes out and gets it, so obviously he doesn't want to marry me. I know full well that if he'd met someone without the history I have he'd have married them without a second thought.

As I said, no real advice to give, just sympathy and lots of !