Please help - want to leave but no idea how

[Scaredandbroken]

Have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for years with cold, angry, manipulative man who is father to our kids 3 and 5. I did not know it was EA and maybe even now I am doubting it. He tells me I am mad, unstable, makes me doubt myself all the time. His family are generally awful and often so bad I say something to him and he yells at me saying that I am causing rifts. Things like his dad who has a drink problem grabbing baby ds when drunk or his sister being really rude to me. Whenever anything happens, if we have a fight or if he is nasty to me it is always all my fault. He told me that he is a nice guy but 'I make people nasty'. Maybe it's true. This morning was triggered by an incident with his sister who was horrible to me about an incident I won't go into. She is also very aggressive. He yelled FUCK OFF at me and said I have destroyed him. Whenever he does anything wrong and I try to address it he is very dramatic and says that I havd broken him. Like if he calls me names then I tell him how awful he has made me feel then I am nasty and cruel and havd made him feel like a monster. My confidence is destroyed. I can't think of one good thing to say about myself right now and am crying asi type this. I need to get away from him but how can I? We struggle financially and I think legally I cannot move far away as I would love to as far from him and his awful family as I could get. This is a dreadful thing to say and I would ever wish this pain on my children but sometimes I wish he would just drop down dead. I can't go on like this but don't know how to escape.

Are you married? How are your finances arranged?

I'm sorry you're living under such appalling and abusive conditions. You are not imagining it. Being told you are mad and unstable will have knocked your confidence - and that's why he does it

You do have options but please make sure you keep your safety uppermost at all times. Because there is aggression in the mix I'd suggest you talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and get some advice from them on how to go about leaving safely with your children.

You mention 'legally I cannot move far away' and that's not true. If you are in an abusive relationship and you or your children are at risk of harm you can seek refuge in the first instance, SS would be involved, and he would not be allowed to know where you had gone. If you are not at immediate risk and you need to move a distance in order to give your DCs a better life, maybe take a job or be closer to family support that is entirely OK.

My view would be that you take no chances, make an exit plan carefully, prepare your new location (accommodation, schools, job etc) and take the DCs there. Get settled and if he wishes to object he'd be looking at an expensive court case.

Do you have anyone IRL that will help you?

Not really got anyone to help. My family think he is amazing and the best thing that has ever happened to me and would not believe that he was like this. My closest friends all live in different countries. I am going to look at things like tax credits and jobs today and be practical. We are married and have a joint mortgage which is very expensive. Neither of us could manage it on our own.
Thanks for saying I am not mad, I don't think I am but I hear it so often.

If you're married, get some legal advice as well as finding out about tax credits etc. Some solicitor offer a free initial consultation. You don't want to carry on living in the same area after you've split and, if there's any equity in your home, that's going to make your fresh start easier.

I think you should start confiding in selected members of your family. Few people want to get in the middle of someone else's bad relationship & most will respect your choice. They may say they think he's marvellous but don't be surprised if they have seen through him to some extent. Do your family live nearby or is that where you want to take the DCs when you leave?

Again, please keep your safety top priority.

This sounds awful, and because you have small children you have extra cause to get out of this situaton. You are the parent that gives them their reassurance and stability, just think how it will be to feel safe and not be controlled, bullied and put down.

Perpetrators of abuse always place blame on their victims.

I know you say your family thinks he's great but try and explain your situation to them. I'm afraid not all of them will understand as it's sometimes difficult to explain how bad things can be in your own home. But keeping quiet gives bullies that extra power in isolating you.

Best to prepare yourself too for the lies and stuff your H may say about you to family, friends and worse, your own children when you do leave.

Contact Women's Aid, they will not judge you and they'll understand and not pressure you into leaving straight away.

Please take care with your Internet history. Can you keep a secret log of how he verbally abuses you, try and remember dates and incidents.

You could also contact your GP to report what is going on. Your GP can also refer you to local organisations.

If you have time take a look at this website,

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It takes time, planning and courage to leave. Your confidence is at rock bottom thanks to H but I am glad you are starting to look into practical matters.