Arguments

[Culloden]

What happens in your house when your DH(DP, partner, OH ...) does something dickish? Do you stop talking, shout, cry, have a reasonable discussion like two grown ups?

My DH knows he's been a dick at the weekend and is avoiding me, hardly speaking and when I shouted on Sunday ( because I needed to get my anger out at him) giving me tales of 'you don't know how low I am' excuses for his dickishness.

I know I sound unsympathetic but when someone tells you the same thing for twenty years and does fuck all about it then it's extremely frustrating. The 'lows' only really appear when he's been an arse and are used as an excuse. Drink related.

So what happens in your house? I'm a 'need to shout get it out there and then move on' person. What happens in your house?

We usually have a little shouting match, more me than DH - he does the calm and patronising routine which winds me up even more. In the end I usually walk away and then text him the stuff I forgot to say we give each other some space, come back when we are calmer and then discuss it like normal adults should have in the first place and try and move on. I hate to drag out fights and we never go to bed on an argument.

I seriously can't think of him doing something "dickish". I guess we'd just talk. And listen. I grew up in a house of sulking and shouting and I swore I'd never live like that again.

Whichever one of us is annoyed says so, loudly. There is a response, usually. Then silence for about 10 minutes then it's over. If it's something that needs sorting out other than a quick yell of frustration we talk about it later.

The not talking drives me nuts. I am a talker...I need to talk. It's almost comical at the moment as we are 'talking' in front of the kids so they don't know.

If the same 'dickishness' has been happening for 20 years with no change - and you say it's drink related - I don't think there is any approach you can adopt that is going to make any difference to the other person's behaviour. They're not going to change so your choices are 'tolerate' or 'reject'. Unless you're prepared to slam down a serious rejection-based ultimatum, you've opted to tolerate. If yelling helps you tolerate, have a yell.

Exactly what Vivacia said. My DM used to sulk (for months at a time) and I couldn't live like that. DH doesn't do shouting, so we sit down and discuss it.

I need to vent it out and put it to bed. Cannot stand sulkers. Spent 25 years living with one....my own mother

Happens every wee while. He's sick of apologising for it. Says it's not about me it's about how he feels about himself. He's not sulking, he just hates being wrong and he knows he's wrong so will keep schtum till I go thermal. Promises not to be so selfish then does it again 3 months down the line. You're right though I bore myself thinking about it.

Does this behaviour impact directly on you? It sounds like he gets drunk and makes an idiot of himself... how serious are we talking? Verbally abusive? Embarrassing? Demanding the car keys?

"Go thermal" made me smile.

Promises not to be so selfish then does it again 3 months down the line.

I feel really sad for you. I don't think I could deal with this. A 30 minute walk to sulk and be angry with yourself is fine, but then you don't come in with a face like a slapped backside.

Nothing is going to change here as long as you keep on playing your part here within this overall dysfunction. You need to step off the merry go around.

Can you actually see yourself living life without him?.

Raised voices. Avoid each other for a bit. Move on.

There's not really a recurring theme though....