How do I leave my OH?

[FattyCantDance]

We've been together for 6.5 years, we have a 3 year old. We're not married.

I don't even know if I should leave him, I feel very confused about it all.

But if I did decide to leave I don't even know how I would do it. I left my job almost 2 years ago so we could move for his work and it just made sense for me to stay at home. So I have no job, no money, no friends, no family, nothing. Actually, my mum might let me move back in with her for a while but it would be awful.

I've been thinking about leaving for a while now, maybe 10 months or so.
He is so wonderful in some ways, but in other ways he is rubbish and I'm not sure if they are issues we could or even would want to work through.

What if I do leave him and I'm so desperately unhappy without him? But what if there is more to relationships than just bobbling along together? I don't even know. He is my only ever boyfriend, first kiss, first and only sexual partner etc. I don't think our relationship is an unhappy one, we don't argue or struggle in that way but I think we are both so discontent and I have no idea how we would fix it.

I don't know. I am so confused.

Why don't you want to be with him?
I've been with my partner for 8 years and he is my first and only too.
I think people go through phases in relationships where you feel in love and then times where you drift. Do you even get times you feel happy? I've questioned it at times but something keeps me and then I'll realise I do love him.
Maybe you feel unfulfilled. You moved away from friends and family and you're at home out of convenience. Have you looked at getting a job? Do you have friends in your new area?

How are your finances? Do you have any money? Do you have access to money?

Would it be possible for you to get a job?

How is he rubbish?

There are times when I think about how wonderful he is and I do love him but there are times I want to just walk away. We are financially OK but he earns all the money, has minimal savings. I have no money at all and no access to any.

We can laugh with each other and be silly and fun, he gets me like no one else ever has, he stuck by me through insanely severe post natal depression, we agree on all the important issues, he supports me in whatever I want to do, he is kind and generous, intelligent, gentle and laid back... there are so many good things about him.

But on the other hand we have a dead bedroom right now. Sex is maybe once a month. That's my fault, I just don't feel attracted to him very much and sex is not enjoyable for me these days. He is more handsome than ever but the passion is no longer there for me. Sometimes I find myself questioning my sexuality because all I can think about is other women but there are times when I want him and only him. The sex we do have is often disappointing for me (not for him though), it's boring and I find myself mentally checking out. I feel awful about it and I have tried to talk about it but I don't want to hurt him. He has been so patient about it and understanding, although I haven't told him about the sexuality questioning of course, just passed it off as low libido.

He spends all of his spare time playing games on his computer. Every evening after our son is in bed he goes straight on to the computer. Also on weekends, as soon as he gets up he goes on it. The only time we spend together these days is while eating dinner. We don't do anything together.

He is being treated for depression. The new job, the move, my own PND, it all took a toll on him. I don't think he enjoys being a dad. While his mood is better, he just seems to be stuck in rut but he doesn't seem to want to change it.

There are other little niggling things that seem so petty right now, I don't know how to explain them.

I am dissatisfied, unfulfilled. I've been looking for a job but I have no qualifications other than chef NVQs and chef hours are not reasonable, not to mention I've been out of work for so long now. The only other experience I have is bar work/waitressing. OH works shifts and with no family or friends to help out with childcare it feels impossible.

I don't have any friends here, I'm finding it hard to make friends, to get out and meet people. I feel so one dimensional. I'm just a mum. I have no hobbies, no life experience, nothing. I've never done anything.

I bought up trying couples counselling but neither of us have done anything about it.

When the relationship is not satisfactory it's natural that there's less sexual desire for the partner.

So, do you not have a joint account that you can access?

And would he agree to leave the computer to a couple of days a week only and could you make appointments to be together/go out as a family?

Could you consider looking at other jobs, such as in a shop, or cleaning? Just to get out and some cash for you?

It sounds like there are lots of good points in your relationship.
He isn't putting much effort in though, excessive gaming can be a real issue. Is he playing with people online? I think you need to explain to him how you are feeling. If he realises how unhappy you are he may want to put in more effort. Suggest specific plans of things to do together so watch a film you both like one evening, cook a nice meal together, get a babysitter and have a date out every few weeks Etc. Actually arrange couples counselling!
Sex drive does wane the longer you are in relationship. Much more so for women. It doesn't mean you don't have desire but you have to put effort in to get turned on now. That can be a hassle when you are busy! Buy erotic novels to read alone with your partner. That can really help.
I think we all have high expectations to really fancy our long term partner madly and a have strong desire but in reality that phase only lasts about a year into a relationship, any relationship!
Although it is a separate issue if you fantasise about other women. Are you bisexual? Or do you possibly think you are actually gay?
You have to put yourself out there to make friends. Do a college course, your DC is old enough for some free nursery now. Talk to people at college. Go to play groups and be confident and chat to other parents and suggest coffee. Join a club for something you like, anything you are interested in go do it and meet people there.

No joint account, it's all his. Although he has never denied me use of the money and I am free to buy things without asking as and when I want. I just don't feel comfortable doing it.

When I've brought it up before he always agrees to cut down on his computer time and spend more time doing family stuff or time with me but after a few days it always goes back to how it was. I go out all the time with our child, whether to the beach or to soft play or just walking the dog but OH never wants to join us.

I know I am not working and OH works long hours at a tough job but I sometimes get really really peed off with doing everything all the time on my own. Housework, childcare (I'm sorry but sometimes it feels like such a damn chore), cooking and all other household/family tasks.

I've applied for other jobs but never heard back.

I sound whiny and awful. I just wish I could figure out what I want and what would be best for us both.

If I did leave I don't know how I would cope on my own so sometimes I worry I am just staying because it is convenient. Same with OH, he is only sticking around because he doesn't want to bother finding someone new.
Where would I go? How would I find somewhere to live? What if I couldn't find a job that pays enough to keep a roof over our heads or food in the cupboards?

I think I am probably bisexual? My OH is the only man I've ever really been attracted to or wanted to have sex with, where as I've always thought women are beautiful but I never really used to think it was attraction? Gosh, that sounds really stupid, but it never occurred to me that I was anything other than hetero. I do have a very high sex drive, I just don't want to have sex with my OH. :( I want to do it with the woman across the road or the cashier at asda or my old friend Lucy. Gosh, that's messed up.

I am definitely going to start suggesting date nights after our child is in bed. We used to have so much fun cooking dinner together and then drinking wine and playing mario kart or watching films. Or just laying in bed together and chatting or reading. We haven't done anything like that in a long time.

That's the thing. Your sex drive gets low for the person you've been with for a while but you can still have crushes on other people.
Have you ever felt genuine desire for your dp?