had coffee with an ex today, feeling guilty

[suchtwat]

I have changed name for this post!!

Today I was out shopping in town when I bumped into an ex twice. We split years ago on bad terms he cheated on me and got his bit on side pregnant and there was an awful lot of head fucking going on, took me a long time to trust and get over it. We have seen each other over the years we have friends of friends etc and he also knows my partner although never really exchanged more than a sentence between us.

Im 6 months pregnant and in a very happy relationship, First time today I bumped into him in boots he asked how I was and congratulated me on the obvious baby bump, later Id plonked myself down on a bench as had really bad hip pain and he appeared again. He asked me if I was ok said I looked really pale I assured him I was fine and then he asked me if I fancied a coffee, I have no idea why but I said yes.

We spoke for a little bit about his children and my children and life in general. I asked him why he wanted a coffee and he said I honestly didnt look well and he had been wanting to talk to me for a long time to appologise for the past. Anyway I drank my coffee thanked him and quickly left and that was that really.

Now I know ive nothing to feel guilty about but feel so terrible that ive lied to my oh well not lied just not told him! Like I said he knows him through friends and think he would be really pissed off if he knew as id always been honest about how much he hurt me. I guess aswell I feel bit guilty because been thinking about him none stop since got home (not in a sexual way but I keep going over how different he seemed)

I could kick myself I really could wish id of said no

Well, you haven't done anything wrong. You probably should have mentioned it to your OH mainly because you are worrying over it. Your OH wouldn't have any right to be pissed off just because your ex apologised for being a dick - it's nice that he did. It's not a threat to your relationship in any way.

I know hes no threat and I think my oh would of been ok if id of told him straight away but now hes going to start wondering why, especially all the stuff ive told him. Its not long ago I had a go at oh for chatting to him in pub, double standards and all that! Im going back to town tomorrow I guess I could say id seen him get it over with

Well, you didn't say no. And coffee with an ex, even one who is/was a shitbag, is not a crime.

However, not telling your DP could make it look like one, if he assumes you didn't mention it because you have something to hide. Much better to say you bumped into X, he was worried that you looked unwell so he got you a coffee and you had a chat. He apologised for being a prick but a leopard doesn't change his spots.

Maybe he will be angry that you had the coffee. If you want to, you can agree you wish you hadn't - it's opened up old wounds and you just want to put it behind you. But you're a grown up, you make your own choices about who to have coffee with.

I'd mention it as soon as possible, otherwise it will look odd to be bringing it up. Take it on the chin and then move on. Put the guy out of your head. No good can come of that.

tell your OH about it and then there is nothing to feel guilty about, we all benefit from putting ghosts to rest and I'm sure your OH will understand that

I will bight the bullet and be honest tomorrow hes in bed now, im worrying someone may of seen (yes im always a paranoid wreck) and small town and mutual friends arent a great combination.

The more you worry, the more guilty you will look. You haven't done anything wrong. You had coffee with an old boyfriend, end of. If he asks why you didn't tell him tonight, you can say 'it's so silly, I was worried you'd think I was a hypocrite after telling you off for talking to him. I wish I hadn't had coffee with him but I really needed a rest. Hopefully I won't see him again'.

I think what you've done sounds fine. The meet up sounds like it was no more than chatting about water under the bridge.

I would mention it to my other half and say it had taken me a few days to tell him cos it was a bit of an odd situation. And most sane people can understand how bumping into an ex can be a bit weird. I would assume it will be fine.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. 'You'll never guess who I saw yesterday'...

So you had coffee with him, it was in a public place and you happened to feeling achy.

Also of course he seems different, he's not your DP anymore, my ex seems different to me now aswell.

Just tell him.

Told him, he just gave me a funny look and asked why, a qustion ive been asking myself. I explained I just needed to sit down and was thinking of going for a coffee anyway. He said ok then and that was about it.

Just before he went to bed hes been asking me loads of questions - Did any old feelings come flooding back? Did I still fancy him? Was he flirting? He said its ok so why the questions, never seen these insecurities before in him and hopefully hes not as bothered in the morning

If he's insecure, it's his problem and not yours. Do not feel obliged to justify yourself unduly. He should trust what you say and be able to leave it at that.