What makes some break ups more devastating than others?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I don't think that I'm entirely " normal" in the way that I find the end of even short term relationships devastating and intensely painful. In the chain smoking, sadness kind of way. I think abandonment issues are to blame for this. Once I'm over them I normally feel much happier though and can get to the point where if they ask me out again ( which has happened), I can say no! Some of these painful endings have been with right idiots but were somehow intense and/ or unhealthy.

There are other men who are lovely but it fizzles out with me hardly noticing!

I have never been married or had to go through a divorce but I just want some thoughts on what makes some break ups worse than others. I guess two of the more painful break ups were when 1 just completely ignored me and the second when he was just plain evil!

I think yes it could be loss of control and abandonment issues. The perceived loss of control somehow magnifies and even distorts emotions, and sets off a chain reaction of fear and anxiety.

You can retrain yourself though - ever tried cbt techniques?

And what are your man-picking skills like?

I think a lot depends on what else is going in in your life, what you're trying to get from that relationship.

By far the worst break up I ever had, in terms of sobbing my heart out and feeling awful at the slightest reminder was a guy last year that I saw for 2 months, wasn't hugely into, had nearly dumped myself a month before. I was a mess.

Why?
First man post marriage ending.
I was in a euphoric post split state, so it was always going to crash. Getting dumped was the horrible reminder that this is dating; I was crying less for that man but for the realisation that I was back on the market and that can be hard. He had been a cushion. I felt attractive again. I could thick "fuck you ex, I'm getting sex for free and you're paying for it still".
I was grieving the marriage I never had, and getting dumped pushed me right back there.

Such tears over a bloke that at another stage of my life I'd have just been glad he saved me saying it!

My man picking skills are shite. I was thinking today that I don't have buckets of confidence which makes me feel like the really amazing men are out of my league.

I agree it largely depends on where you are in your life and how it's done.

My most damaging recent experience was with a partner who'd been a massive part of my life for a year and a half or so. There was me blithely thinking we had a future together, while they were shagging someone else!

The first I knew was when I was stood up at a festival I'd moved hell and high water to get to, and within a week I was reading about hotel bedroom seduction on Twitter! Difficult to imagine a more vicious way to convey 'you're dumped', but think this person honestly thinks they've done nothing wrong. Hey ho.

maybe you grew up believing love has to be painful to feel "normal."

our subconscious is extremely powerful