I am wondering if it might be best to stop contact between DD (5) and her dad for a while, or at least severely limit it.
He has been up and down for several years with regular episodes that lead to big fights about his treatment of DD.
Recently, he told her she wasn't allowed to draw pictures for me at his house. It's been pretty obvious for a while that she makes pictures to process stuff - eg when there's a lot going on for her she makes lots of pictures, when something nice happens she draws a picture about it etc. So obviously when she thinks about someone, she makes a picture for them. She was really upset about the pictures ban. I talked to him about it to show him how it works for DD. A couple of days later he had a cosy chat with her about 'why did you tell mummy you're not allowed to make pictures'. Because you said so, duh. He also told her she didn't need to be upset about it. To me this seems like manipulation.
Also fairly recently (past 2 months or so), DD has been finding it difficult to go to sleep because of nightmares. I have tweaked bedtime routines, and eventually got her a new light and we changed her room around for a new perspective. She proudly showed all of this to her dad and I explained my thinking about it. He understands bedtime is difficult for her. (He mentions it occasionally in an accusatory 'what do you do to her' kind of way).
The nightmares first started when DD watched a particular film with her dad (children's film but with scary bits) - her nightmares are often (but not always) about a particular character from this film. I talked to him about this when I noticed that this character kept popping up.
They didn't watch the film for a while. Yesterday DD had a nightmare about the character again, turns out her dad let her watch the film again. His reason: they were both poorly.
I am so angry about him ruining the effort I put into making DD happy and healthy. It feels as if he doesn't actually care about her emotional well being and is beginning to manipulate her.
I know if I talk to him about this he will get angry and defensive and focus on something he thinks I've done wrong.
The other day he was 'concerned' because when he picked DD up I was doing work on my laptop on the sofa and she was snuggled up to me listening to a story on headphones. Apparently it worried him because it could indicate that I expect her to be quiet and stay out of the way all afternoon every day (I told him once that this is what my mum did when I was a child). It happened twice in the past month because of deadlines. It just feels like a straw man that he uses to divert attention from his fuckups.
So WIBU to limit contact for a bit? Not a long time. He has some health issues at the moment that are causing him stress, busy job etc. DD asks to see him all the time.