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Original poster

Am I "emotionally checking out" of my relationship?

28 replies

Skyanio · 15/09/2014 15:50

Been together 3 years, lived together for one and a half. Got engaged in Feb.

All sounds ok right? well no not really, we argue all the time over the slightest thing. I dare not mention certain things because he goes off on one - even important stuff like money, we just can't talk about it.

We became "un-engaged" a few weeks ago after a big argument where he refused to confirm whether or not he was going away to the other side of the world with work for a week. This particular week would have impacted on my own plans significantly so I just wanted to know if he was going or not so I could re-arrange my own stuff but he went mental at me over it and we ended up not talking. Anyway to cut a long story short it's constant egg shells with him and since this big argument we agreed to "try" to get along and maybe think about marriage again next year but since then I've found myself emotionally checking out. I can't be bothered with him anymore. His constant "I feel ill" whinging, falling asleep on the sofa all the time like an old man, dictating what I can and can't buy, moaning about my kids, us never talking unless it's something he wants to talk about -

How do you tell the difference between "a bad patch" and "the end"?

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 15/09/2014 15:52

For me it was when I looked at him and thought "I'd rather be alone than stay with you"

EBearhug · 15/09/2014 15:54

How was it before you got engaged?

Regardless of that, not being able to talk about money would be a concern for me, and not being able to see you want to know something so you can sort your own stuff out, and having to be on eggshells all the time - there's nothing positive in your post that gives any indication about why you'd want to be with him in the first place, let alone get engaged or married.

(Not going to criticise anyone for falling asleep on the sofa, though!)

Original poster
Skyanio · 15/09/2014 15:56

The thing is in the past I've felt like this but only when we're arguing. Now, we've not actually argued for over a week (that's good for us) and we're "getting on" but I still feel the same. I fantasize about being single and being able to buy myself a newer car (as he won't agree to this) and going on dates with chilled out blokes who have more going on in their heads other than their many 'illnesses' and their grown up kids.

OP posts:
LouiseBourgeois · 15/09/2014 15:57

You're not 'emotionally checking out', you sound as if you're actually frightened of this man, who sounds dictatorial, controlling, self-pitying and angry. What on earth would be the point in continuing to live together in such circumstances, especially as you've had the emotional intelligence to realise you should not marry this man? Your 'emotional checking out' is just your subconscious realising this relationship is all but over. And you need to protect your children in particular, especially if he is unpleasant to/about them. You clearly don't love him, and he adds nothing to your life except fear and angst.

LouiseBourgeois · 15/09/2014 15:58

Why does he appear to have control of your finances???

Original poster
Skyanio · 15/09/2014 16:02

I don't know, I don't know what's going on anymore. It all started off ok and somewhere it slipped into this horrible existance.

We both work, he earns £35k a year and I earn £15k, all our money gets put into the main account and the bills come out of there and we both have access to the rest whenever we want/need it. I don't really know what it is or why I feel like this, can't put my finger on it but I know I can't get a newer car or even new clothes without asking him. He recently said I can't be buying new football stuff for DS as it's just a fad he's got into. I'm having to buy stuff in secret. I just miss the days where if I wanted something, I just went and bought it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skyanio · 15/09/2014 16:06

Our weekends are so depressing. They're always exactly the same. Saturday morning he works until 11. Then he comes home and fannys about in the garden. Then at 5pm he picks his kids up. We watch TV all night and then go to bed. Sunday morning he does a fry up. He fannys about in the garden all day and then takes the kids home at 5pm. We watch TV all night and then go to bed. EVERY BLOODY WEEKEND IS THE SAME.

Sex is boring. He seems to do it just through duty these days. He never really shows much interest in me. Ive told him over and over again how I like him to kiss my neck - he's done it once or twice but normally doesn't bother. Something so simple like that and he can't even be arsed with that. He doesnt like oral sex, giving or receiving so like our weekends our sex sessions are the same every time.

Every evening is the same. We watch TV and then go to bed.

I'm 34. This is not how I imagined life at 34.

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 15/09/2014 16:06

This sounds like a miserable habit where neither of you are happy and, quite frankly, not that compatible. What's the upside of staying? Fast forward five more years of this and you'll be even more miserable. I would bite the bullet and take the short term pain of leaving for the long term gain of peace of mind and buying that car . I cannot imagine sharing my life with someone who wouldn't tell me when and where he's going on a trip; be it a holiday or business trip.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 16:07

What you're describing is a natural response to being under attack and on edge all the time. Who wants to live like that? If anyone's checked out, I would say it's the one constantly whining and picking fights

I don't think you should waste time working out if it's a bad patch. I also don't think you should be 'trying' to cling on to wedding plans with someone this miserable. Take it that this is as good as he gets and, if you've had enough, you don't need anyone's permission to end it.

Original poster
Skyanio · 15/09/2014 16:20

I think when it comes down to it we probably are just incompatible. He's 10 years older than me and it shows. I want to have fun, plan holidays, have a laugh and enjoy ourselves. He wants to sit watching TV every night, spend every weekend with the grown up kids and won't discuss holidays unless we're in the position to book it right there and then.

I think we could be saving up, even if not for a wedding we could be saving up for that car or a holiday - all he wants to do is trawl ebay for household stuff.

Everything is 'his' way. When we do go out it's only because he's been asked by someone from work and he's frightened to death of upsetting anyone there. We were once planning on going to cinema on a wednesday night. He came home from work saying he could no longer do it as he'd been asked by work mates to go to cinema the same night. I said "but we planned it first!" and he replied "yes but this is important, it's important that I keep in with them all for future job prospects" - what by going to see Alan ffing Partridge at the cinema? shit I wish my career was so easy to climb.

OP posts:
HansieLove · 15/09/2014 16:24

Don't waste any more time on him. Good luck!

PlumpPartridge · 15/09/2014 16:43

IME, when you start daydreaming about all the things you could do without them, then that's the end.

Jan45 · 15/09/2014 16:49

Oh please, move on, he's not interested in doing anything with you, no wonder you feel resentful, time to call it a day, it sounds like a living nightmare.

PollyIndia · 15/09/2014 17:31

That sounds horrendous. Definitely get out. I fantasised about being single when I was with my long term ex, broke up with him, sold house etx, and it was bloody brilliant. I felt like a (13 stone) weight had been lifted off my shoulders!

LouiseBourgeois · 15/09/2014 17:39

You've answered your in question, OP. The relationship is dead in the water, and he sounds dull as ditchwater as well as controlling, selfish and inconsiderate. Don't invest any more time or effort. You deserve better. Good luck.

paddlenorapaddle · 15/09/2014 18:05

Maya Angelou once said when someone shows you who they are believe them

I think you have your answer I'm so sorry you've found yourself in an abusive relationship have a read of Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that"

It might answer a few questions

Hissy · 15/09/2014 19:10

ffs, he's only 44 and this deadly dull?

bin him. it'll only get worse the older he gets. i'd say he'll try to control your every move.

is that what he didd to the mother of his kids?

AnyFucker · 15/09/2014 19:16

Deary me, he sounds like a right fucking bore and not even a nice bore

Get shut, and find your life again. Imagine being on your deathbed looking back at another 40 years of this ?

TalkingintheDark · 15/09/2014 19:22

Struggling to see what you get out of this at the moment. Sounds like checking out would be the best thing you could do, really.

Viviennemary · 15/09/2014 19:24

I can't see how life could be worse on your own. I think you should get out now. I agree that a few more years of this will be utter misery. Hope things work out for you.

jellycake · 15/09/2014 19:29

Oh bloody hell - bin him!
I knew I had reached my limit when I was walking up the stairs and flicking V-signs at him like a teenager Grin

Blueistheonlycolour · 15/09/2014 19:32

Are you living with my ExH??!
Get out. If he makes you unhappy, life is too short!!

SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2014 20:55

Get rid. He wants a browbeten housekeeperto look after him in hist dotage, not a partner.

OldF0ssil · 15/09/2014 21:01

Dump him and do not let him make you feel bad! He is a boring grumpy finacially abusive controller

Flossiex2 · 15/09/2014 21:01

It's not likely to get better is it?

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