Escort girls... the bastard

[CrapDisguise]

Why did i look at the history bar on the pc? He has been looking at escort sites including rates and FAQ pages. I feel so dirty. Not just one site either 4 or more.

THis happened a few months ago and I decided that I might leave him, although it isnt all that easy as I do love him and want to work on our relationship. My ds also has very good relationship with him. Overall he is a nice guy.

Thing is tho that we are having problems.. he hasnt slept in our bed for a while now months rather than weeks as he gets up very early and says he wants a good nights sleep. Tbh I wasnt too upsert by this as he is awful snorer. We also havent been physically close for a long time really. Ok last time was about 3 weeks ago but before that we are talking months.. I feel like there is something wrong with me, too fat/ugly/boring.

I dont want to leave him as everything else is good and want to work on these other areas, we have talked about more kids as well.

This escort thing happened before and he was really sorry and said he was just curious and NEVER meant to hurt me and never would see one. He looks at porn regular, which I admit I dont like. THing is he has done it again and he is lying asleep downstairs and I am feeling deeply hurt and confused. I wont see him till tuesday night as he is out tomorrow night with mates.

I am sat he is tears amd cant speak to mum either as she is aborad for 3 weeks.

Why is he looking at women who are paid for sex when he doesnt even cuddle me much nowadays.

I hate this crap

If I dont respond is because I am trying to sleep and sort out thoughts in my head. Am Not a troll - am reg poster, well irreg cos I am crap

I have written this and plan to leave it in his lunch box (he might loose appetite)

I know I shouldnt have but curiosity got the better of me and I checked out the internet history pages.

"I am sat up here writing this, wanting to wake you up to that you can tell me what the hell is going on . I can draw my own conclusions but I want an explanation. THe truth.

Firstly I want to make it clear that I love you and take our relationship seriously, also my son cares very much for you and if he wasnt asleep in his bed right now, I am not sure I would still be in this house.

I am very very deeply hurt and confused. A few months ago you had looked at escorts and you said it was curiousity and you were really sorry for the hurt you had caused. I believed you as you told me you never lie. Now I see that when I am spending 1:1 time with (ds name), you are looking up prostitues/escorts and from my viewpoint considering using one.

How do I know that you havent used on already?

Sincxe we have been together, I can honestly say that I have not looked at another man. You have looked at porn pictures of women and received some form of gratification from this. Although your interest in us is minimal.

Now you are not just looking at porn you are looking for the next stage.

I have trusted you and beleived in us. I keep wondering if there is something wrong with me for you to be physically cold. I cant be your lack of libido/interest in sex as you demonstrated that.

I feel lied to. You implied this ouwldnt happened again. I do not know where this leaves us now to be honest. I respected you and I feel disrepected & humiliated.

I just dont know what to do from here. I write this for you as it is hard to talk when (ds name) is awake and you are out mondaysm although now questioning were you are going in my head. WOndering about last friday too."

sorry " should have started on the "I know I shouldnt have but

So sorry that you're having a bad time with this. I found out my H was having an affair last year. He lied that it had finished - it's only just finished and well so have we. You're not alone and I didn't want you sitting there feeling so sh*t. Sending you loads of hugs.

I think the note is a good idea, sometimes it's so hard to talk about hurtful things that you end up in tears & no longer in control of the conversation. If he has any guts he'll come home as soon as he reads the note and try to explain himself. Let us know how you get on.

You really need to address the fact that you and your DH have lost your sex life. I am sure when you married him you wanted a sex life with him and it needs sorting for both your sakes. He obviously misses it - he's looking for sex only not a relationship/affair and that screams to me that he is lonely physically but he still wants his marriage.

Please don't think that because I say this I excuse what he has done: I don't. It is wrong for him to go behind your back, and to look elsewhere for the answer. He should be looking inward to you and your marriage for the intimacy he seeks.

I am just trying to think constructively. Lack of sex long-term can only work if both partners are happy with it. If they are not then it's a big element missing from life and is bound to cause trouble.

Message withdrawn

agree- anorak,

It sounds like you really love him.

people have got through this kind of marrital breakdown before through lots of hard work over a long time. my parents included.

I really feel for you, you must feel so sick, but I am really hopeful that you will be able to rebuild your lives together with the help of some councilling maybe.

really really good luck to you.

keep us informed. x

I'm not excusing his behaviour at all - he should have talked to you in an open manner long before it ever got to this stage - but the lack of intimacy between the two of you is causing this relationship all sorts of problems. Both of you need to talk frankly and openly to one another without rancour. Relate counselling may well help you both get things back on track.

Has he approached his doctor re his snoring?. There may actually be a medical reason as to why he is snoring so loudly. He needs to look into this and for both of you to start sharing a bed again.

Would not think that you are as you describe at all but your self esteem and confidence has taken a real knock from the porn and escorts.

Feel SO for you! The note's a good idea - hope you put it in for him to read, he needs to know how much he's hurt you. Perhaps he will do the decent thing and cancel whatever plans he has for tonight and come home to talk to you - I hope so, he's got some serious making up to do, there are NO excuses for his actions. If he's unhappy with your sex life he should have told you, not gone sneaking off to websites behind your back, he's shown a complete lact of love/respect for you - BIG apology should be coming your way!

How long have you been together btw, and how old is your DS?

On work pc right now so might not be here long. I did leave the note for him - he has definately got it although i dont know if he has read it or thrown it away. Feel bad that he has now had a harad start to the day but also relieved that he knows that I know.

Re the sex life - couldnt agree more anorak. This has happened a few months ago and sex life has been poor for over a year. I have often tried to speak to dp about this and we have at times been very intimate. He shys away from any type of affection - he doesnt hug or kiss much and does have poor self image.

I am sure he is lonely physically but he rejects any phyisical contact. He is also quite a controlling man, likes to be the boss, although not agressive. He usually dates people who are perhaps emotionally weaker than himself. I wonder if this is the problem as I am quite sure of myself.

Lots calmer today. It worries me that I can now easily take the emotion out of it and actually think of the practical.

My worry is ds will become unsettled as bonded with dp and that my ds father will want him with him. I dont want to be a mum with numerous relationships, I want security and stability for ds.

Regarding his snoring - he said he wants to see doctor, as he has other physical issues too (IBS). He still hasnt made appointment.

Thing is he almost flinches at times if I go near him. I know I am not a bad person and physically I am not too bad either. We have been together for nearly 3 years, he is not my ds's father. Only time we are close is when ds visits his dad.

Would he consider Relate or some other form of counselling? It sounds as if there are complicated and deep-seated issues that inhibit his intimacy with you.

Tbh I am not sure he would. I dont think that he is a particularly demonstrative person but he is with friends. He also can be incredibably thoughtful and sensitive. It is like there is a dark side to him. God that sounds bad

Also he has the letter - well it was gone this moring. He didnt come up to see me and have not had a text or call from him.

Feel bad about the title of this thread as it calls him a bastard and that isnt what i would normally say iykwim.

HE has nice parents (altho divorced) nice siblings and fab friends. He is intelligent and has a loving gf and brill rel with my ds so why oh why can he not stop this type of destructive behavious in our relationship?

I have tried to alter myself in terms of not being overly emotionally as he cant handle emotional responses to situations as feels he as done something wrong.. think this is because his dad was similar and when parent split up his mum was very tearful and he had to deal with it.

Howver, he is now nearing his 40's and needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Hey, CD, how are you? x x x

how long have you been together?

nearly 3 years. Been friends tho for about 14 years.

Hi HM I am ok tongith. He is out with friends. When he came home he came and hugged me and said he was really really sorry and he had forgotton that it had hurt me so badly the last time. He said he was only looking and wouldnt do anything. IT was really hard to talk as ds was in the kitchen too. He promised that he wasnt planning to meet up with anyone and was again really really sorry. I do believe him. As he was going out before ds went to bed I said that I need to talk this through so more and he said he would tomorrow. I asked him if he would not see he friends tonight if I asked (this is something I have never asked before, am not someone who tries to keep him at home with me iykwim). He said he would if I wanted that, which I didnt as feel having a little space to try and think things through clearer helpful.

HM - thanks for all your help last night. xxx

I was thinking about that 'what were you doing 10 years ago thread' and I reckon if I had what was happening now in a relationship then, I would have flown off the handle and had a complete hissy fit. I dont know if I am now more mature or just jaded. x

S'OK - any time, CD

Sounds like things are a lot more settled - do you think you can trust him again?

tbh I really dont know. He may just again be really nice etc and then do it all over again. I have been in that sort of cycle before. I swore I would never be caught in ti again, although now I am here it doesnt seem so clear cut

If I was you, I'd make sure I had an exit strategy if he does do this again. Part of the reason you were so floored last night was you didn't feel you had anywhere to go, I think?

You'll feel more comfortable if you know you have a bit of cash to your name, I think? Ask for advice about how you stand wrt laying claim to any of his property - not sure how that works seeing as you don't have a child together, but if you're paying any of the mortgage, you should have some claim?

I absolutely agree with last posting. Find the emotional and physical exit door - and keep the key safe.

Look at the date - this thread is nearly 20 YEARS OLD

Thanks. I realized it earlier, but the report button wasn't working at the time. I have reported it now.
The only reason I noticed was an unexpected comment from @AttilaTheMeerkat . I'm used to seeing very firm advice about raising the bar and what did you learn about relationships. I was quite surprised to read that she thought the OP should give another chance. 20 years of these kinds of stories probably changed her view. 😂