Pregnant, in an abusive relationship nowhere to go

[WhatToDo92]

I'm 22 about 7/8 weeks pregnant. I don't want to stay with this guy because I am worried about my baby's and my safety. He is very controlling, i've become very isolated, i'm depressed and constantly anxious to the point where I can't even function in the real world. I have no friends, no family to rely on so I have nowhere else to stay. I've tried calling Shelter, National Domestic Hotline and left them messages. No one has got back to me. I don't know anything about emergency accommodation or social housing, I don't even know who else to call, I'm clueless. I'm really desperate at the moment, i've packed all my stuff, he's out the house and I want to leave right now, otherwise i'll never leave and I know i'll regret it.

Well done on getting out, it takes a lot of courage to do that so be very proud of yourself.

As for the pregnancy, only you can decide that outcome. It's still very early days so you have a little time to think about things. Obviously you need to factor in things like whether the father will want anything to do with it once it's born or want access and whether you can deal with that.

If you honestly don't think the time is right for a baby right now and you want / need a clean break and start then please don't beat yourself up if that is going to be your decision.

Do you have family or a friend, maybe a work colleague you can talk to? Your midwife will offer you a lot of support and help so please speak to her (or him) if you have no one else in the real world to talk to.

If you choose not to continue with the pregnancy then you will feel guilty, that's only natural, but I would absolutely support that decision in your circumstances. No-one really wants to choose termination, but sometimes it definitely is the best option at the time.

Does he know about the pregnancy? A baby (his baby) would give him leverage & power over you

He knows about the pregnancy and he told me it's my decision but would rather I kept it. I had a termination this time last year at 13 weeks and it was a difficult decision. Part of me wanted to keep it but I want my baby to have a father and he's too unpredictable. He's really knows how to act like a normal loving person, that's why i fell in love with him, he made me feel so special until he snapped. I've been smothered, strangled, he's left marks all over my neck and he made me cover the marks with make-up. He cheated on me with a prostitute and I met up with the girl he was having an emotional relationship with. I have no doubts that he would hurt my child in some point of their life.

I don't know how i'll deal with having 2 abortions. Feel like I don't have much to live for, my future seems bleak :(

fwiw, when I was in your situation, I too was pg. Looking at a future as a single parent can seem soo bleak. But speaking as someone who has been through it all, things won't always be this way. Take things one day at a time.

I think with the baby, you have to decide what YOU want. Do you want to raise your unborn child? You say part of you wants to keep it. If that is what you do decide, then yes, you will have your ex to deal with. My advice would be to keep everything professional and maintain minimum contact with him yourself. He may quickly lose interest.

FWIW, I'd rather have had 2 abortions than have a child with a man I didn't want in my life. He will have a hold over you for the next 18 years at least. That's a really long time, and as you say you want a fresh start.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

A very difficult decision indeed, but you've proved how strong you are by leaving, so you will continue to be strong and make the right decision for YOU, you are the only one whose decision and choice this is, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and be proud of yourself whatever your decision is. X

Do you have anyone you can talk to, a friend, relative or work colleague?

If not, then please have a chat with your midwife. Sometimes just talking things through face to face with someone and getting another perspective on things can help immensely. She will have heard and seen it all before and will be able to give you support and a shoulder to lean on.

My OH had Cancer when we found I was pregnant and my midwife was a god send just having a face to talk to.