Is one the loneliest number?

[mum2one0x0]

I am 28 years old with a beautiful 3 year old son and I have been married for 4 years. I feel about 128 years old! My hubby works a good job that he finds super stressful and I work also in the evenings just to try and make ends meet (they rarely do!) I find myself faking happiness almost every day. I plaster a smile on, walk out the door and just try and get through each day. Is this just life now?! I find myself wondering if everyone who I smile at in the street is just going through the motions like me or perhaps they are actually happy?
I love my son and that is the only thing I am completely certain of. Everything else I question.
I dont have any friends, at all. The people I work with would be absolutely shocked to hear it as I am so good at being the life and soul when I am there but again this is the 'faking it' part of my personality and other than work I do not spend time with anyone other than OH and our son. I worry that my social awkwardness will rub off on my son but he is so confident with people. I envy him. He is 3 years old and can already just walk up to a group of children he has never met and just fit in with them. I just stand on the sidelines watching him thinking, is there something missing from my brain? Why can I not do that? I see the other mums all stood together chatting, laughing and think am I invisible to them? Or do I just send out 'dont come near me' vibes?
My mum says I have always been this way that I am just introverted.
I am uncomfortable meeting new people and whilst I talk to them I am always thinking, what do they think of me? do I sound stupid? do they like me?
Is there anyone else like this?? Is it normal?
The few times I have got chatting to someone at a toddler group or the park or wherever I actually dread seeing them again. I often avoid the place where I met them so that I dont have to talk to them again! These people are always nice and friendly and there is no reason for me to feel the way I do so what can it be?
Although I do not 'need' to be around other people as I am happy with my own company I do often wish I could be one of the mums who meet up for coffee and cake or play dates. Even as I type this the thought of someone asking me to do this makes me anxious.... what the hell? Should I embrace my inner introvert or should I force myself into social situations? Will my behaviour affect my sons ability to make friends??
I feel a bit like a chameleon. I just try to fit in to social situations by behaving like the people i am with.

What you're describing sounds more like insecurity and lack of confidence than merely introversion. If you're preoccupied with what others think of you (and you appear to be assuming they don't like you etc) , that's an expression of self-consciousness, possibly low self-esteem and a fear of rejection. A more self-assured & less approval-seeking person would pitch in anyway and hang the reaction.

As with anything else psychological, it's a question of degrees. Many people are introverted or lack confidence but they find ways around it and compensate. So being the life and soul at work is probably one of the ways you've developed to cope. Lots of people will adapt their behaviour in order to fit in with the people they are with - not abnormal. Plenty of people will have lots of acquaintances and just one or two close friends - also normal. But if your thought-patterns and behaviour are interfering with your ability to lead a normal life and it's causing you actual unhappiness that's usually a cue to seek help.

I just wanted to say that you're not alone. I feel like this too and also worry that my son will end up the same.
I also identify with the chatting to someone then avoiding them thing, as well as wondering why I get ignored in the playground by the cliquey mums.
The thing is that it is getting better as I learn to accept that I don't actually HAVE to do these things, and DS will make his own friends at school, and if i really think about it I don't actually care what the other mums think about me - I'm happy as me.
Enjoy your alone time and explore why you feel anxious about social occasions. You don't have to do it you know, and sometimes I find that knowledge relaxes me a bit. If a socialising opportunity comes up you might feel you would actually like to go, if you know you don't HAVE to. (Does that make ANY sense at all?? )
You might find yourself choosing to socialise if you know it's your choice and you lessen the pressure on yourself to "force yourself into social situations".

I think I want to have friends, but the time and effort it takes is too much for me to put in. (I'm 30, married with a 2yo and 5yo)

Over the last 5 years, I get to the point of being asked over to people's houses for coffee, lunch, and whilst a part of me wants to go, another shies away. Or I go once or twice and never go again. I'm very happy with my home and family life; I feel like I don't need other people. I usually get let down in some way by others, so mine is a learned thing on top of being a self-sufficient only child who was and still is dedicated to my parents.

My defences have gotten stronger over the last few months because of a massive fall out with my extended family. I think this has an effect.

Oddly, I felt hurt the other week that friends who I had previously socialised with (a lot a couple of years ago; infrequently over the last year) had been out for drinks over the summer break without asking me.

I was genuinely puzzled why it hurt my feelings because I turned them down the last 4 times they asked. They obviously think I'm not interested; I've probably demonstrated that (even though that isn't really true).

I am the Mum who on most days quickly gets the kids into school and dashes past saying a quick 'hello!' I'm sometimes in the mood to chat; sometimes not. I am not part of a clique. I don't want to be but then can feel left out And it's all of my own making!