Not sure how to deal with this.

[DarthvadersUndercrackers]

NC'd for this as DH is a 'snooper'.

This is all going to come out garbled and long. Trying to decide my next move at present, though I'm leaning towards no longer giving a shit.

I've been well aware for 21 years my MIL doesn't like me, DH has always thought I'd imagined it. I've rubbed along with her for DH's sake, but I've always got the impression she 'put up with me' more than anything else. Little sly digs here and there, little comments etc. Many many years ago DH's Sister told me (with MIL stood next to her) "you'll never be part of this family". I finally went no contact with his sister last year after having enough of her and her games and have happily avoided seeing or speaking to her ever since. (she lives away so avoiding her is easy)

This weekend his Sister has been over, so I've avoided MIL's house. DD (16) still gets on with her so she went to sleep over for 2 nights at MIL's house. I fetched back a bloody miserable teenager yesterday. She tells me from the moment SIL turned up on the doorstep both her and MIL were nagging her, telling her she looked a mess, she was scruffy etc etc. I got the impression from DD that it was very much a 'gang up on her' scenario. DD was telling us this in the car on the way home so DH was privy to the conversation first hand. MIL had told DD to wash her hair, DD said no, it didn't need washing and besides, she hadn't taken her straighteners with her. MIL responded she could curl it for her. DD replied no thank you, I don't like it curly. MIL then replies "You don't want it straight! You'll look like your mother!"
DD is fuming at this point and leaves the room. A little later further words ensue over something else to which MIL then says to her "You are turning into your Mother you are".

DD is relaying all this to us in the car. I calmly turn to DH and say 'Im sorry, I'm not having that'. DH is usually not one for confronting his family, in fact I've always said his family come first and I come second so I was surprised when he got home and spoke to his Mother telling her it wasn't on. Her reply to the 'turning into your mother comment'? 'Well she was having a strop at the time'. :shock: She apparently wanted DH to put me on the phone so she could apologise, he said he didn't think it a good idea. I wasn't in the room so didn't hear this conversation first hand.

I said very little on the subject last night. I feel somewhat satisfied that finally her facade has slipped but if she can be so horrible about me to my own DD then what is she saying to others? I'm actually thrilled that DH has finally been given some evidence from someone other than me that what I've been saying for years is right.

I'm mulling things over in my head and tbh I don't want to see her, I don't feel like I want a relationship with the woman at all any more. I've not mentioned any of this to DH yet. I'm surprisingly calm about the whole thing, usually I'd be confrontational but I just don't have the will or the energy to deal with the woman anymore. I didn't sleep much last night with it going round in my head.
I guess I'm sick of 'pretending' for DH's sake and I just don't want to do it any more. Would I be wrong to say 'look, if you want to see her/speak to her etc then do that but please don't involve me in any of it any more'?

I have a little meme in my Twitter favourites that states

"How to be happy - delete the toxic people in your life"

And thats just how I feel at present.

FIL died last year, I think he was the one that kept her in check (as daft as that sounds). I loved FIL dearly and was never in any doubt that he liked me, we got on well and importantly I don't think he'd stand for any shit from either MIL or SIL. Sadly now he's gone it seems to be open season and DD is the one coming in for the bitching.

At 16 she's young for her age and forgives easily so despite being so annoyed about this now I think by the time SIL appears again all will be forgotten. I don't think MIL or SIL expected DD to tell us what had been said. MIL has been caught out big time. I just feel like I can't be arsed with it anymore. It's too much hard work.

I'd have thought if MIL was genuinely sorry and apologetic she would have called back last night, or even text me. I think she's probably only sorry she's been found out.

I like this one!
Dont let negative and toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent and kick them out!

And of course this;
Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy!

You don't need this at all.
If you weren't linked to them by the word 'family' they wouldn't be part of your life.
Time to kick them into touch.

Your poor DD. What feckin' nasty people they are.

hells those are rather good quotes for the way I feel today.

I've tried my damnedest for DD not to be a pawn in the middle of the games and thats what worries me still. When I went NC with SIL DD came to me somewhat upset that SIL was engaging in a bitch fest about me on Facebook (yes, I know I know ) both my DC's are FB friends with SIL and I did text her and and ask that if she couldn't stop the Facebook bitching then please remove my children from her friends list as it wasn't really fair that they had to watch their Aunt bad mouth their Mum. She did delete DD, but not before she sent her a message stating 'your Mum has made me delete you'.

The sad thing is they will drive DD away eventually. She is young and naive now but she's finding her voice and 'did you mean to be that rude?' features in her vocabulary to MIL now. She isn't the most confident girl so to know they are putting her down is horrible.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

You need to further protect yourself and your DD from such malign influences and your own boundaries re them need to be further raised. These people will never be at all reasoned with. You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, family are really no different and it is NOT your fault they are like this.

Neither you or your DD need to or actually should be in contact with any of these people now; they do not change, never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Waiting for them to therefore apologise is a wasted effort.

Was sorry to read about FILs passing; he probably did what he could to keep his wife in check but now he's passed its open season on you and DD.

You know Attila, when it's phrased like that "You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, family are really no different" it all becomes much much clearer.

I don't want an argument, I've neither the time nor energy for that, but I don't want anything to do with MIL now. DD needs to make her own decisions, if I involve myself in it I will be accused of poisoning/interfering but she's a bright girl and I don't expect she'll take much more of it.

DH will carry on as always I suspect, happily ignoring everything and seeing no wrong in her.