Mildly toxic dad has died.

[Swingball]

I didn't really know where to post this, bereavement topic doesn't seem quite appropriate either.

My father has died and what I feel is sort of ...nothing. So I that makes me feel like a bit of a bitch. People keep telling me how close I was to him and how devastated I must be, and what a great guy he was.

He was not a bad person, I know that he loved me and he was very reliable for practical stuff. But emotionally there was something not right between us. I was never able to be in his company for very long without feeling completely drained of energy at best and distressed at worst. I'm not sure I want to write all the bad stuff down except that it's along the lines of negativity/criticism/control. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, just that I feel sad that I don't feel more sad if that makes sense. I wish I could have had a better relationship with him but I never knew how.

Emotions are usually pretty honest. We can modify what we say or do but it's completely impossible (not to say pointless) IME to try faking an emotion. I can sympathise. I have a DM who sounds very similar - reliable but very negative, critical & highly draining - and she's now suffering from a severe MH condition, probably dementia-related, which exaggerates all her worst points, unfortunately, and is unlikely to get better. I feel more disappointed than sad that we're never going to work this out now ... so can I join you in Bitch Club. :)

When someone dies, there's often a period of numbness.

After a bit it wears off and then your real feelings come out for most people. But there are some people who find that when a negative person in their life dies, it's simply ... a removal. No emotion, no waves of grief, life just goes on. Maybe that's particularly strong if staying in touch has mostly been duty. Also if you weren't geographically close, the shock can be less for some people.

Grief is very individual and there's no one way to do it right.

for me, when my adoptive mother died the world ended. The grief was intense. But when my biological mother died, all I felt was mild relief, then pity and regret for the course her life took. Very different reactions for very different people.

Also, other people may have seen him as a great guy but you knew him much better than them. Your reaction may be in response to the person he was with you, which was clearly not the same as he was with them. People would avoid someone who leaves them drained and distressed, unless they were family.

Thank you both. Cognito, that is difficult. My dad had a period of illness and cognitive decline also but different to your mum, it actually made him a bit easier to deal with because he didn't have the energy to critical or negative. If he said something mean it meant he was having a good day! Meerka, yes I had a completely different experience when my dm died. I was overwhelmed by grief then.

You're not a bitch Swingball, and nor are you Cogito. My parents sound very similar to your dad - reliable for practical stuff, very diligent parents in terms of being fed, clothed, tons of toys and books, holidays, paid for my education, but so cold and judgemental and critical and nothing I do is every really good enough for them. It's draining and hurtful and very upsetting.

You are allowed to feel however you feel at this time Swingball, and you are allowed for that to change on an hourly or daily basis. Yes it is sad that you don't feel sadder but like Cogito said, emotions dont' lie. I'm grieving for both my parents right now, and for my relationship with them, even though they are both still alive. I often imagine that when they do actually die, I may feel quite numb as I will have done all my grieving already. None of this stuff makes sense, I think you just have to go with it and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up x

Thanks for kind words and understanding perspectives. It does help to know that other people have similar. Lotta pianos