Are my family toxic? How do I deal with the pain it causes?

[familyproblems14]

About 12 months ago I had a text message row with one of my uncles that has caused many of the family to turn against me.

To give you background, My parents got divorced a few years ago and both spend their time point scoring each other to win my mother's family affection who all live up North.

Despite the divorce my father still speaks to his ex-father in law every day ,yet rarely speaks to my mother (his own daughter) and holds her in contempt.

Last summer my father was visiting the family up North and my mother was very upset about it as my father has already helped drive a wedge between her and her father.

So she text her brother and said she thought it was disloyal they had been out with my dad (their ex-brother in law).

The brother (my uncle), who is normally a wonderful kind man sent a very rude, aggressive message back to her saying "what the hell has it got to with you?". Very out of character.

So in order to help my mum, I sent a message just asking if everything was ok as I was worried my dad was also bad-mouthing my mother to her siblings to drive another wedge between them.

My uncle then sent a message to me in reply ,saying "one day my own children will isolate me the way I have isolated my parents."

I was absolutely floored as I have confided in him the horrible, hurtful things my parents have done in the years to me and at times it has been too much I have had to walk away . I don't really want to bring it up but they have both put me through hell at times, but I have tried to forgive them and move on.

The next thing I know, on the same day, he had deleted me off Facebook, two of his children and his sister had deleted and blocked me too.

I was really shocked and sent a message saying I could not believe this had happened and why was he behaving like a playground bully by getting other family members too side with and turn their back on me? I know calling him a bully was harsh but I did feel exactly like when I was a school by getting everyone on side.

He then told me to stop sending him unkind messages I only sent those 2) and I never heard anything again.

Then in October I decided it was time to clear the air and phoned him. It was strained and he barely said a word but I tried my best to keep thing normal. I don't think we directly spoke about what happened as he didn't bring it up and I thought that's what he preferred as did I- just to move on and get back to normal and by the end of the conversation he seemed to be his normal self.

So as far as I was concerned the whole sorry incident was behind me even though I still had no contact from the cousins and aunty who had deleted me.

Then last January my granddad (mum's father) phoned, which was unusual as he never ever contacts me. He launched into a full attack on me, assassinating my character, screaming at me and told me I had ripped the entire family apart. I was just shaken to bits and devastated.

Apparently a few days before Christmas my uncle, siblings and granddad had been sitting in a café and decided myself, husband and two little girls would be "no longer welcome in the family" because I hadn't failed to say "sorry" to my uncle.

I decided to try and forget about them all and move on. However I was still really hurt that my father decided to keep speaking to my granddad every single day despite the way granddad had treated me and , and even more my dad expects me to be the one to travel up North to put things right with all the onus on me to 'heal the family' as he puts it.

My mother didn't speak to her family for months- but then I found out she asked her brother and sisters if they were still having their annual sibling holiday together which upset me so much that she would want to go on holiday with them after all I had been through for trying to help her.

I decided to turn a blind eye but this weekend was my cousins weddings- and both parents went.

It felt like a knife through the heart. Sitting and laughing with these people who ostracise my family who have made my cry myself to sleep. Its as if they approve or think so little of me, their daughter they don't care.

My parents have already put me through hell these past few years, yet I have forgiven them over and over as I desperately hope they will become the parents I crave and it has got me nowhere but to be walked over again. Do I really meant that little to them? Their own daughter? They have trampled all over my feelings.

It also devastated my uncle has been portrayed as victim in all of this.

I feel so much hurt and anger I don't know what to do anymore.

Do you have family of your own? Children? A partner? I've rather lost track of who said what to whom and who did what to whom, I'm afraid but these people are clearly not in a position to care about anyone other than themselves. They're not suddenly going to become a functional family any time soon and any help you give them is unlikely to be acknowledged.

I would strongly suggest you take a mammoth step back from the whole sorry mess and concentrate on forging a fulfilling and interesting life for yourself. Doesn't require some big announcement or more drama to add to the soap opera conditions they appear to love .... just do your thing, work, travel, socialise and create your own 'family' of people who are more like you and who make you happy. Relegate your DNA Tribe to the odd wedding reception or Christmas lunch and you'll probably find they are more manageable in small doses

Yes Im married, with children, friends and own business but it still hurts so much.

Sorry, I will post again try to be more concise;

• Mum is upset about fact my dad is spending time with her family so texts uncle to say so

• Uncle replies out of character "what the hell has it got to do with you"

• Fearing uncle is being influenced to be aggressive by my dad (as he has already stopped my mum & grandfather speaking) I text uncle to see if he is ok

• Uncle says "one day my children will isolate me like I isolated my parents"

• Uncles 2 children, and sister delete me from FB

• Speak to uncle in October and believe it is all behind us

• January granddad phones me and says I have ripped the family apart by not saying sorry and it has been decided I am no longer welcome in family

• Hurt that my dad outlines to speak to my granddad after the phone call and tell me to travel up north to be the one to "heal things"

• Both parents attended my cousins wedding which I'm devastated about as its feels like the approve of what has happened. I have forgiven parents so many times and they have trampled on me again

It's unfair. It's hurtful. Concentrate on your own family and friends. The people you have chosen to have in your life. Be happy. That's the best way to live. This will be of no importance in a year or so. You need to shake it off. Easy to say but actually, do you want these people to have the power to make you feel crap?

Absolutely tons of sympathy here familyproblems14. This stuff hurts dreadfully. Your family are 'supposed' to be the group of people you can turn to no matter what, who will support you and make you feel important and loved and cared about. Realising that is just not the case in your own family is dreadfully sad and painful.

I agree with Cogito's advice: 'I would strongly suggest you take a mammoth step back from the whole sorry mess and concentrate on forging a fulfilling and interesting life for yourself' I'm working on doing this myself - emotional detachment. It's not easy, especially if you're quite enmeshed with all of them and have been brought up to run around pleasing other people and neglecting yourself. It gets easier with practice though. I'm getting to a point where the drama and martyrdom and guilt-tripping in my own family just doesn't bother me quite as much as it used to. I still have my moments although overall its getting easier.

Personally, I couldn't have detached without professional help - I see a psychotherapist and she has been immensely helpful to me. I highly recommend pursuing something similar. If you are thinking of detaching, you will be looking at undoing patterns that you have been involved in all your life and that is not easy if you're a sensitive person. Good luck with it and keep posting. You do not have to put with this sort of hassle in your life - family or no family.

The thing with forgiveness IMHO is that it can only really be one-sided rather than conditional ie. you forgive for yourself and because it gives you peace of mind, rather than for what you can get out of someone else. Any involvement you have with these people it's clear you're going to be cast as the bad guy. That's the bottom line and therefore you either engage on that basis or completely disengage.

I suppose what has really hurt is the feeling that it really is all my fault as it seems the whole family find nothing wrong in his actions- only mine.

Only my husband thinks otherwise.

Why have I been cast as the bad guy? I live miles away, see them once a year if that.

I can deal with my extended family hurting me, but I cant deal with my parents continuing to do it by what feels approving of being ostracised

'Why have I been cast as the bad guy?'

I am in the same position in my family and I don't think I will ever get an answer to that question. I have started to accept that nothing I ever do will be good enough for my parents so I have stopped trying to please them. It hurts desperately and I wish we could have a close and warm relationship like I see other people enjoying with their parents. It's not your fault OP. Some people can only feel good about themselves by making somebody else feel awful about themselves. It says more about them than it ever will about you. Having said all that, I know very well that when it's your own parents doing the demonising and the bullying, or just standing idly by while it goes on, its unbelievably tough to take.

Google 'narcissism' or 'narcissistic parents' and see if any of the descriptions made sense to you. They did for me and it was the first step towards starting to let go of the guilt and blame.

You're the bad guy because you're the bad guy. Maybe because you live miles away and only see them once a year that makes you an easy target? Maybe they think, by being at a distance, you're snubbing them? When a group of people have decided you're persona non grata it really doesn't have to be rational at all. I once found, in my vast extended and not especially wealthy family, that the fact I turned up to a christening in a brand new car instantly marked me as 'up myself'. :)