Advice on leaving..or am I just being dramatic?

[Marigoldy01]

Sorry for this long post, I'm desperately needing some advice.
My partner and I have been together 8 years. I don't love him anymore. We have 14month old twins together.

I think I started realizing when we found out I was pregnant, I never felt supported or loved or special during this time, he would go out drinking every weekend, he was never interested in doing any 'baby' things like sorting through baby clothes given to us or anything. I just blamed it on him being a 'typical guy'. I really believed he would change when our boys arrived but he has been so unsupportive. He still went out every weekend, would go to rugby training, basketball, soccer, etc, during weeknights, basically avoiding me and responsibility. He would say things like it was my fault, and why couldn't I handle being a mum? That I was controlling him and trying to stop him from doing what he wants. He's never been into emotions or stuff like that, I've suffered with depression and he doesn't understand why I can't just 'get over it', and says that it's my problem and there must be something wrong with me.

It's a long story but it got worse and worse, sometimes I would think I was getting through to him but eventually I just started to disconnect with him and fall out of love. To top it off he cheated on me about 4 months ago. I thought that was it he has to leave but he refused to give me any space, he stayed and was so stubborn refusing to believe it was a big deal and I was just being over-dramatic, and that I didn't love him anyway (I had been neglecting him because I was so upset with him). And so I blamed it again on him being a typical guy and that our relationship was pretty rocky anyway so who could blame him?

Since then it has been a complete rollercoaster ride, sometimes I think yes he's the one and we can get through this, other times I just wish it was over already. But he is so stubborn and refuses to leave,he thinks that I will keep the kids away from him (I would never) and tells me I should just leave coz he will have the kids and that they don't need me.

I should say that I haven't been perfect either, I get quite heated in arguments and start insulting and name-calling.

Is this just typical guy behaviour that I'm just being dramatic about?
Is it all my fault he's like this because I haven't been nice or loving towards him?
Should I stay and try to work it out?
I'm so scared and have no idea what to do, any advice or experience any of you have had would be so helpful, thank you.

He sounds like a total bastard, and no this is not typical guy behaviour. You should run like the wind, you deserve far better than this cheating man child.

It's not typical guy behaviour, it's typical selfish twat behaviour. YANBU to want to distance yourself from someone that shows no support, no respect and no love. YANBU to get angry with someone who treats you the way you describe. Other than producing him some boy children, you appear to be a massive inconvenience to him. It's doing nothing for your confidence which is probably why you're here asking 'is this normal?' and wondering if it's your fault.

Have you confided in anyone IRL? I note you're not married... what's the set-up regarding your home, finances and so on?

No - it's not acceptable behaviour.

You are in effect being a single parent anyway - so why not cut him out and go off and start a happy life just you and the DT.

Do you work? Own part of the house?

You are not being at all dramatic and this man is out and out abusive.

Staying within this is the worse possible thing you can do; he has also cheated on you to boot. Do you think of yourself so poorly that you would consider staying within this at all now?. Your responses to him have been understandable given the circumstances.

There is nothing to work out, rescue and or save here. This relationship has long since ended.

You cannot afford to bring up these children within such a loveless and dysfunctional environment. Do you want them to think that this loveless partnership is their norm, this is how people actually behave within relationships?.

You unsurprisingly do not love this man and this relationship is well and truly over.

I would seek legal advice to find out where you stand in terms of property, children and finances. As you are unmarried your legal position is poor anyway but he will still have to support the twins financially.

You and he should not be together any more; his nice act was just that, an act. His threat re the children is just that and should be ignored (abusive men often use the I'll keep the kids" as a further means of entrapping their victim; no man is above the law and besides which you are their primary caregiver.

Womens Aid can also help you here with regards to leaving; I would talk to them as well on 0808 2000 247.

Thank you so much for your replies, it really helps to know that I'm not just going crazy.
I have told a couple of friends who know what he's like. I haven't told my family because I don't want them to worry, I'd rather tell them once something is set in stone.
We live in a rental and are on a benefit, he was working up until a few months ago when he quit due to back-pain problems (he was building) and is supposed to be studying real-estate and be getting a job, but he might only study that once a week, otherwise he just lazes around and tells me I should get a job.
I don't really know where to go for help, I have nowhere I can move to, all my friends are having babies and I don't want to burden them during this time. My mum lives in a tiny flat with her partner, my Dad lives in the middle of nowhere and is recovering from a major operation, so not really anywhere ideal.

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are quite a good resource for people not sure where to turn to for advice on ending a bad relationship. They're not just for people subjected to violence. CAB can advise on benefits. I don't know if you rent privately or if it's social housing but you should be able to get advice on that from your local council. If you are in the care of your GP for depression, talk to them about your problem as they may have some ideas.

Do talk to your family. Whatever their circumstances, they will be more hurt that you tried to deal with this alone than if you include them. The support of friends is going to be really important

You say he refused to leave when you found out about him screwing around previously. You'll have to assume he's going to be 100% uncooperative and plan accordingly. If you have even the smallest fear that he would get aggressive, please factor that in, talk to the police and stay safe

Thank you so much again for your replies, it makes me feel a lot better about deciding to leave, that I'm not just being stupid or crazy or making a terrible decision. I'll be looking back at this post as I make small steps. I just heard back from my aunty who has room for me (not for another two weeks, but I'll take it!) so happy and relieved I have somewhere to go and get away until I can sort something else out. I do know he will definitely be 100% uncooperative, he will probably even try and be 'nice' and 'change' as he has done before for a small time until I am committed to him again.

If you're already two moves ahead of him, good. You'll be able to see the Mr Nice Act for what it is i.e. another big fat manipulative lie.

You are already coping like a single mum. He expects you to pander to him while refusing to step up and be a proper parent. He made his cheating all your fault. Rocky relationships don't get fixed by one partner sleeping with someone else.

I hope all the support on your thread encourages you to stop accepting this treatment. If you don't act for yourself then do it for your twins. It's tough for anyone coping with a new baby let alone two. Now they're toddlers and no doubt wearing you out. He should be helping you and instead he has carried on his own sweet way of bachelor life! When was the last time you were able to go and do something for yourself without worrying about who is looking after your twins? Fourteeen months' ago I bet.

Really hope your aunt can offer you accommodation. Please get to Citizen's Advice and see what you can claim. This man child is a dead weight round your neck. See how serious he is about caring for his infants when you move out.

Transfer as much money as you can to an account he knows nothing about as part of your escape plan