Intimacy Issues - any advice?

[Neverending3]

I am at my wits end... Very stressful year involving 2 babies, 7 month old and 20 month old. My partner doesn't seem to want to be intimate with me; we don't kiss, cuddle, make love, hold hands or anything else. It is as though we are business partners and keep everything but our sex lives ticking over. I have tried to discuss the situation with him but all he can say is that he is tired. We are all tired! But I still have desires and feelings of being wanted. I don't suspect him of being unfaithful, and I know he loves me, and right now we are both dealing with a load of stress, but surely we need intimacy? What can I do? What should I do? I can't be in a sexless and passion free relationship...

At first, try removing sex from the issue. Talk about how he would feel with sitting close on the sofa and cuddling up in the evening when watching tv. No sex tho.

Then see how he'd feel about a leg tickle or similar. Again not sex.

The main point I'm making is to first bring in intimacy, true closeness without anything sexual. This is just nice without their being pressure on him.

The rest will develop naturally.

PS. I have a 14 month age gap between DC1 and DC2. I know the exhaustion you'll both be feeling. It will get easier.

I'm not so optimistic, I'm afraid. Sex in the 'PIV' sense often dwindles or goes by the wayside if there is stress, fatigue or time-pressure and it's not necessarily a big problem provided the intimacy remains in other ways. Everyone needs physical affection and no great effort or time is required to hold hands or share a kiss. I don't know what the 'great stress' is that you mention but, when under stress, most people would say that a cuddle is a natural way to feel relaxed, loved and reassured. Being with someone who withdraws affection completely should therefore be a huge concern. How do you know he loves you, exactly?

Suggest you speak up and very urgently. Say you miss physical affection and that you fear that, as a couple, you are in danger of drifting irretrievably apart. Set him the challenge - not of how to have more sex - how to behave in a more loving, tactile and affectionate way towards each other.

Exactly - everyone needs physical affection.

The stresses are plenty: 7 month old unplanned and caused a lot of anxiety in myself. 20 month old's birth was traumatic, he had shoulder dystocia causing me to hemorrhage and the aftercare I received was shockingly bad. So breakdown for me late last year which resulted in my dp quitting a very stable career so he could help at home. Also have a 9 year old with huge behavioural problems. We sought advice from gp in December but mental health help only came in July for her, with the result of putting all 3 children on social services plans! Very messy situation. 9 year old mine from previous relationship, so hard for dp to deal with. He has not yet returned to work which obviously makes him feel redundant, and there are financial worries. I am also on medication for anxiety and depression so there is a lit to deal with.

Currently in the process of making complaints against the hospital for the 20 month old's birth, and against social services re. a number of issues, which we have had a solicitor advise us is the right thing to do.

I have spoken with him trying to explain how important it is for us to be close, that we need to support each other, and showing affection is fundamental in a relationship, and he always seems to happily take it on board. Then weeks go by with squat, absolutely nothing...