I have namechanged for this (as I left my MN page open last night and he was reading my post on the IndyRef thread and H now knows my old username....)
H and I have been married 13 years.
The first 3 were happy.
Since then we have struggled (and I know that is a LONG time).
We needed IVF for male factor and H has never really 'got over' this.
His 'prowess' was incredibly important to him and he became impotent at the news of the need for IVF (and why we needed it, although I never made an issue of it, but he really really did. Qu'd whether the children were 'really his' after both births to the extend I suggested a paternity test if it would reassure him, but he declined.).
He tried to seek help via the (useless) GP at the time but got nowhere and now will not discuss it. He had a breakdown, actually, but wont admit it.
I had health problems throughout, 2 difficult pregnancies and births and both children poorly for the first few months, and, although we have 2 fantastic fantastic children, it came at a 'price'.
I have mobility problems since the first birth (trapped nerves down both legs and feet and back problems too). Finally found a good Consultant and I have been waiting for an OP since Feb which now looks like it wont happen (Consultant leaving and no one else seems to know about condtion). This affects me a great deal as I am tired / in pain a lot.
The combination of H's distress at 'his lack of potency' and my health issues have led to us not sharing a room (or any form of intimacy) for nearly 6 years.
More importantly, though, the marriage is now dead.
There is no kindness, no affection, no emotional support - nothing at all.
Our eldest child probably has ASD and certainly has dyslexia and we live in an area where there is no help available for either - in fact our attempts to access help have created a great deal of strain. To access help we will need to change area. This is well worth it as child's life is miserable and other child not v happy at our local sink school either. We have a house with a high mortgage that we cant afford as I cant work atm and we are getting deeper and deeper in debt. It is really scary. We last tried to sell the house 2 years ago and are about to try again. If we cant sell within a few months, we will go bust I fear.
So, there has been LOTS of strain and there is nothing left of the marriage.
We agreed that I would take the children to a rented house (I don't want to stay here) and, as the marriage is dead anyway, we would separate formally and, initially at least, I would claim housing benefit whilst our house went up for sale.
This was the plan. However, landlady got the jitters about my benefits and pulled out at the last moment, so I have to start again. H is furious.
Last weekend, H's sister was due to visit Northumberland (they live in Brum, we are in southern Scotland). The plan was to 'meet up' (arranged with H - she doesn't speak to me, nor does MIL). They consider I am lazy for not working and do not accept my disability nor (I think)) do they accept ds' - certainly they never ask about it, never phone the house, just keep in touch with H by text.
The night before, H took kids to local cycle park. I cannot walk that far by teatime. About 15m after they left, the kids arrived back by themselves, visibly upset. They said 'Dad slipped over and started shouting bad words at us'. They ran home (across a busy road - they are 7 and 9). I was very concerned that they had felt upset enough to come home alone but kept calm and reassured them they had done nothing wrong and perhaps Dad was just being silly. I put them to bed and H still not back or answering texts. He eventually came back, in a filthy mood having slipped and fallen, and said the children had 'pushed him'. This seemed highly unlikely so I questioned him a bit and he lost the plot screaming and shouting at me. The next day we did not go for the family trip. I later found out that he had texted his sister saying that we couldn't come because he and I had 'had a row'. He spent most of the rest of the weekend in bed.
I have explained to the children that Dad should not have shouted at them, even if he was having a bad day, that was not okay. Since then, I have gone with them, pain or no, in case he behaves like that in front of them again. This is not a good way to have to live.
BUT: today H shows me a text from his sister from yesterday: ' I know you cant talk to XXX (me). Don't talk to Mum and Dad you will upset them. I finish work on Mon at 12. I will call you at 12.15. WE are your family. WE will stick by you. WE must get this sorted so you don't lose out'.
I asked H what he 'couldn't talk to me about' that his sister was ref to - is it about the house / money and he started shouting again. He went to bed at 6pm (missing dinner with kids). This is classic behaviour when questioned about anything he doesn't want to talk about.
Apparantly,
I am a 'mad bitch' and it is 'all my fault - even his mum and sister agree'.
I know they don't like me and I suspect he has been dripping poison about me to them for years, but you would think they would at least ask about the children??? He ranted on about 'losing HIS home, and maybe HIS car, because HIS bank account might not support HIS mortgage'. Nothing about the kids or me, sadly. He said: 'as any single person would say'...
This is clearly what he considers himself to be, and has done for some time, I suspect. He was absolutely gutted when we didn't get to move out.
Sorry this is so long.
I hope it is coherent and contains enough details to give a true picture.
I would be grateful for any thoughts.