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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know it's ridiculous but I'm just so hurt.

18 replies

Feversandmirrors · 14/09/2014 21:37

It's my birthday and first ever as a mummy.

The last 18months have been a hard slog; pregnancy was awful, severe PND and now I'm back at work and juggling full time employment in a really stressful profession, with caring for an 8month old who doesn't sleep or eat, and studying.

My DH isn't good with gifts. I've come to expect a random concoction of gifts which clearly made sense in his head mid-panic buy. He knows the day is coming yet always leaves it to the last second so I end up with an array of gifts which are an attempt to mask his laziness by the old "quantity over quality" ruse. One of my presents this year was...a postcard. But let's not get into that.

Given his crapness I know it's ridiculous to be so hurt but I genuinely cannot believe he hasn't given me anything from DS. He did his whole quantity over quality for Mother's Day (and promised lots of things which never materialised) but at least it was a form of acknowledgement.

To be given nothing-not even a photo in a frame or just something a tad sentimental to mark the occasion-has really upset me. I know it's stupid and a very first world problem, but it has really knocked me.

I know , I know-I need to get over myself but I'm so struggling to mask my disappointment.

Ended up buying myself a necklace 'from' DS for me. How sad.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/09/2014 21:44

Did he get you something from him?

Sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. PND is horrible, I know myself. And going back to work. And a non-sleeping baby. I relate.

It sounds like he's crap with gifts but if he got you something from him, I wouldn't be hurt about him forgetting to get you something from DS.

Did you ask him to? It may not have occurred to him.

Littlefish · 14/09/2014 21:48

I'm saying this very gently, but I really think you are over-reacting.

It probably never even occurred to him to buy you a present from you ds. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or that ds doesn't love you.

It sounds like you need to give him a few ideas of the sort of things you would like for your birthday, otherwise you are going to be disappointed every year. Alternatively, you could just accept that presents are not a measure of affection.

crazylady321 · 14/09/2014 22:09

He probilly didnt think but from a personal point of view id be a bit upset aswell. When my eldest dd was born me and her dad had split up towards the end of my pregnancy, She was only around 2 months old when mothers day came and was really upset that he hadnt got me anything from her, he was very appologetic and said he just never gave it a second thought he gave me 20 to get myself something bt to me that wasnt the point at all. Needless to say hes never forgot since

WitchWay · 14/09/2014 22:15

My DS was born about a month before mother's day & I really set a lot of store by being remembered as a mother on that day. I forced myself not to remind DH (notoriously bad at family birthdays etc) & received flowers & card from 1/12 old baby, to my relief!

I would have been hurt as well

Oneeyedbloke · 15/09/2014 01:35

It's probably just because 'getting mum something from DC' wasn't a thing in his family - it certainly wasn't in mine, and I read your post with a slight degree of surprise, as I've not really ever registered this as something that folks do. I'm a 53yo dad of 3, I never did this & my DW has never mentioned it.

Your dp does sound a bit crap at presents, but ime lots of blokes are. I've learnt over the years but it didn't come naturally - I love giving people presents but needed to be more observant & listen to my DW more - the clues were all there as to what she liked but I was slow to pick up on them. So I'd say get the clues out there, and make 'em really obvious. Men can have very thick heads!

sykadelic · 15/09/2014 04:01

I'd be extremely hurt as well.

Oneeyedbloke's post surprised me. I'd have thought everyone realised that the other partner buys presents from the kids (or helps them make something) until they're old enough to do it themselves, that's how it's always been for everyone I know... for all events (mothers day, fathers day, birthdays and Christmas).

But as others have said maybe he didn't realise, so tell him so he doesn't fail again!

Admiraltea · 15/09/2014 04:14

Never occurred to me that I would get presents from kids until they were old enough to make something.
3 children...who knew!!!
Put a wish list on amazon or print out the internet page of what you want. Who made him psychic???

Isetan · 15/09/2014 04:56

He's crap with gifts in general but yet somehow, you expected him to get you something and pretend its from your infant child. You've had a lot going on and I'm sorry you're having a hard time but it sounds like you're pinning your current dissatisfaction on an un-materialised gift and that isn't fair. Everyone likes to feel appreciated but their difficulties/ achievements/ existence don't necessarily have to be acknowledged in a box wrapped in shiny paper.

When it comes to gift giving, everyone is different. I generally only buy presents for children and I'm personally confused by the emphasis that some adults still place on receiving gifts. Buying a present and saying it's from an infant, is a concept which completely baffles me.

VestaCurry · 15/09/2014 04:59

The main problem seems to be his lack of thought and planning when it comes to gifts for you. Tell him straight that you are fed up with it. My dh sometimes plans and is sometimes last minute re gifts (depends on how busy he is) but the gifts have always been lovely and I know he's put thought into them. That it what you want. Tell him. good luck .

KoalaDownUnder · 15/09/2014 05:05

If it helps any, we never did the 'something from the DS/DD' thing in our family, either, and most people I know don't do it. You don't get something from your kids until they're old enough to choose it themselves.

Did he get you something from him? If not, that's a different matter.

Either way, I am sorry that you're feeling bad on your birthday. I agree that you're going to have to start telling him what you want.

Rafterplease · 15/09/2014 07:06

I've also never heard of getting presents on behalf of other people who can't do it themselves. If they can't, they don't and no one expects them to.

However my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

I find the concept of 'love languages' very helpful. The idea is that there are five ways of expressing love. Tension can arise in a relationship when people don't realise each other's ways of expressing and receiving love may not be the same as the other person's. The good news is that a single conversation about this can be transformative! Perhaps you could consider talking to your husband about what he and you value in terms of making you feel loved, what you tend to do to express love, and any differences that arise?

The five are

Words of love
Touch, physical gestures
Gifts
Quality time
Kind actions

I personally value 'actions' while my husband values 'words' and 'touch'. Really helped us when we figured it out.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 15/09/2014 07:13

I would have been hurt too - a card and something from DS is 'normal' for all of my friends/family/everyone I've ever known.

It's hard because you want him to think of it, so telling him makes it a bit 'missing the point' doesn't it.

I couldn't possibly comment on the 'quality of the gifts' though. I am crap at buying presents. I always want things to be 100% perfect, but I just Don't Know What To Buy.... But I have to say - 'a postcard' wtaf? I hope it was at least of somewhere very very very special to you or a cartoon he thought you would find very funny?!

whatisforteamum · 15/09/2014 08:25

Mine has never remembered the gift from the kids on mothers day or birthdays.We dont earn much but a little scented candle or something wouldnt hurt.Now they are teens and havent bothered themselves i find it very hurtful .my dh once bought me a plastic extender for the door the hang ironing on for xmas,he wrapped it up !!! WTF :)

pictish · 15/09/2014 08:32

I've also never heard of getting presents on behalf of other people who can't do it themselves. If they can't, they don't and no one expects them to.
Yes...exactly that.

We have never given one another presents from the kids. Obviously for some families it's a thing they do, but tbh I don't think it's usual.

I'm sorry you feel so low in general though. xxx

FindoGask · 15/09/2014 08:35

I personally don't get the thing of giving gifts 'from' children too young to understand about birthdays or to choose a present themselves. However, obviously this means something to you and I understand you being hurt that your husband didn't realise that. It's can be upsetting when there's a gap between expectation and reality.

Oneeyedbloke · 15/09/2014 12:02

FindoGask exactly: 'too young to understand about birthdays or to choose a present themselves'. When they're a bit older, 3 onwards, I'd help them make cards & stuff. It's just 'presents from babies' that I've not really ever encountered as a custom. Nothing wrong with it, though - little bit of make-believe, whyever not?

So OP, this obviously matters to you, there's no right way or wrong way; I think you should say to your DH, "I'd really like this, it's what I always wanted to happen when I had kids." And he should step up, he should want to make you happy.

cafesociety · 15/09/2014 13:13

I personally wouldn't want anything from a child who hadn't made it or bought a little something with their pocket money. Therefore they would probably be about 3-4 years upwards [maybe made something with the teacher at nursery or something, or picked some flowers from a garden etc.]

That way it means something and is genuinely from them - not from some other adult no matter who it is. Mothers day gift - hmm, maybe a bit different, the dad could do something 'from' the baby, as it's a day for mothers.

As a grandmother I get 'gifts' from grandchildren who clearly haven't bought them themselves, and I find that a bit silly. I would rather a picture they had drawn or a model they had made, or some daisies from the park! .....Just my perspective on it.

NotNewButNameChanged · 15/09/2014 14:30

My dad never did a card or present from me when I was a baby or toddler. Nor did most, from what I can tell, of my generation (am now 40). First I ever heard about it was on MN, oddly enough, and I was so surprised to find a few people on a not-dissimilar thread to this one being really hurt their partner hadn't bought them a present or a card on behalf of their one-year old. So I asked a lot of my friends who were parents. None of them had ever done it either.

While clearly you're upset, and there are SOME people who do this, I genuinely think the majority of people don't. I similarly don't see the point in throwing birthday parties for one year olds. They don't understand or appreciate it. It's just an excuse for the adults.

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