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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constant issues with chores

11 replies

irnbru22 · 14/09/2014 21:28

DP is doing my friggin nut in. In brief the situation is as follows:

Naturally I am a very messy person, I don't mind there being crap all over the place which will get tidied away after a few days but I cannot stand dirty or unhygienic.

DP doesn't care about how clean things are just about how tidy they are. As such he has never done a 'deep clean' of the kitchen or bathroom or any time consuming long clean. He is not even particularly good at tidying, he generally just throws everything in a drawer/cupboard ala out of sight out of mind.

I work 10 hours a day Mon-Fri, as a chef DP works 15 hours days three days a week and 10 hr days the other two. Due to this he appears to believe the majority of chores should be my responsibility. For example he will never, ever make the bed, even if he is the last to get out of it but will huff and puff if it is not made when he comes home. Or he will not empty the bin, just keeps ramming more in it, but will be pissed off that I leave that I empty it and leave the bin bag by the door to take out (we live in a high rise flat with the bin store on the ground floor outside so I generally leave the rubbish until the next time I'm leaving the house).

Anywho last night the house was a tip (mostly my mess but some of his) and I hadn't sorted it, because of this he was in a fowl mood huffing and puffing and kicking things around that were 'in his way.'

We went to bed but I got out and left because I couldn't possibly feel sleepy without the amount of tension and went to sleep in the living room. He asked me why I was going and I said I was sick of feeling like his maid, he choses to work a job with ridiculous hours thats his problem, I work hard too and I shouldn't have to be responsible for all the chores.

I guess what I am saying is this. He knew I was messy when he met me, should I be expected to change. Or should I tell him to stuff it, if he wants things his way he can do it as it doesn't bother me. Is that fair?

I'm sick of the feeling of dread knowing he will be in a horrid mood if he gets home and the house isn't perfect.

OP posts:
Original poster
irnbru22 · 14/09/2014 21:52

Any perspective welcome

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/09/2014 21:58

"I'm sick of the feeling of dread knowing he will be in a horrid mood if he gets home and the house isn't perfect."

He's a bully. If the house isn't as perfect as he'd like it to be, then he's the one who needs to expend the most effort getting it that way. And you need to stop being an untidy slob

PedantMarina · 14/09/2014 22:04

You've got two (at least) problems:

Mental/emotional: The dread of the horrid mood is the thing that might not go away, and his expectations are not good.

Practical: In the short term, however, lay down some ground rules (i.e. don't just chuck things in a cupboard) and get a cleaner.

Original poster
irnbru22 · 14/09/2014 22:10

you need to stop being an untidy slob

Whilst I understand your sentiment I feel there are kinder words you could have used. Would you say this to me if I were a stranger in the street asking for advice face to face? Doing it over the internet is no less rude.

Pendant
I have suggested a cleaner but DP moaned and said it is a waste of money, so if we did that it would be me paying for his benefit.

The dread I hate, he just text me saying he will be home soon and I felt like saying don't bother. I think I will sleep in the living room again tonight.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/09/2014 22:52

"Would you say this to me if I were a stranger in the street asking for advice face to face?"

Yes, I would. You've acknowledged that you're messy and are quite happy for it to accumulate until you get round to tidying up "after a few days". That is a fair description of an untidy slob.

However, that's not going to solve the problem of you being bullied by your partner. If you dread someone coming home then they should be going to a different home at night.

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 15/09/2014 01:12

A cleaner is not a waste of money if it saves your relationship.

He has a stressful job, perhaps you do too, certainly this situation is stressing you out, and it's a relatively small problem in the scale of things (compared for example to serious illness) and it's easily solvable.

You both work long hours, it is perfectly reasonable to have a cleaner in..

Can you "sell" the idea to him ? stress the positives for both of you and your life together (rehearse them to yourself first) eg - more free time for both of you to spend together, a more relaxed time together, less stress, you will be able to enjoy your home more, it will be quicker to find things in the house meaning less stress,

It will help you be more tidy too = most people tidy up before a cleaner comes so as not to be embarrassed. Smile

Be firm but in a very positive way if possible. Make sure he shares the cost 50:50.

sykadelic · 15/09/2014 03:42

Your problem, as others have said, is two-fold.

  1. You admit you're messy. You say he knew that when he met you but I'm not a believer in "you knew when you met me so you have to live with it". I believe you would make more of an effort, and so would he. He shouldn't have to clean up or struggle around your mess, and neither should you have to do the same for him. When your mess makes it hard to move around the house, you have a problem. Is there a reason why you can't put things away more often so they're not in the way.
  1. However messy you are, however untidy the house is, you should NEVER dread going home. He is being a bully and nothing you have done, or will do, will ever make that okay.

I would normally say you need to talk about it with him, but his behaviour, the huffing and puffing, doesn't make me think that talking to him will solve anything, but only you know whether explaining how you feel like a slave will change anything BUT, it's

Getting a cleaner may make the house cleaner, but it doesn't solve the problem both of you have with the other (you being messing, him being an arse). I think you need to work on your problem (organisation/mess) and he needs to be less of an arse.

lolalotta · 15/09/2014 05:16

You work long hours too! The chores should be divided equally IMO.

OctoberCarrot · 15/09/2014 09:18

I have a friend who has a secret cleaner. It is brilliant. Her husband doesn't know and the place is kept clean. I think messiness is a lot a result of clutter. Could you try a big declutter. Also flylady is suppose to be excellent to keep ontop of things.

Bet of luck.

dollius · 15/09/2014 14:43

She's not a slob! She is the one who deep cleans and makes sure they are NOT living in squalor. By all accounts, his version of "tidy" is "unseen", i.e. he doesn't care about cleanliness, just about surface appearance.

The fact he works a few hours longer than you per week does not mean he gets to do no chores. Who would his unpaid maid be if he was single?

He is a bully who has you dreading his return to the home, OP. Is it really worth all this angst?

Quitelikely · 15/09/2014 14:57

Why not sit down like adults and reach a compromise?

If yous love each other and want this to work then that's the forward.

I don't agree you are being bullied he simply doesn't like your mess and if it upsets him then I doubt it's fair to be described as a bully just because he feels upset!

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