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Original poster

DS1 his dad is still a twat

26 replies

shitatusernames · 14/09/2014 20:12

DS1 is 18, I split from his dad when I was 17, domestic violence etc, he took me court for parental responsibility etc, never got it as he just stopped turning up, like he also did for contact, I continued to turn up for a couple of weeks as told by solicitor.

17 years on I'm married, 3 more children, DS1 has found his dad on facebook and his girlfriend accepted the friends request, he has not bothered to talk to DS1, it's all her, he's got a tattoo of his name on his arm, and is always talking about him apparently Hmm

Now, has she told twat head ex that he's now friends with his son or is he blatantly just ignoring him? And am I right in thinking he's still a twat? I thought it would bother me if he found him but it doesn't, but I can see my son getting hurt by it all.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2014 21:27

You're going to have to talk to your DS, tell him the truth about his father if you haven't already and then trust that you have raised him to be bright enough to have an idea of what he's getting into. Ultimately, if he wants to reconnect with his father or anyone associated with him, he's free to do so. He may still get hurt but that may be what it takes to satisfy his curiosity.

Original poster
shitatusernames · 14/09/2014 22:27

Thank you for replying Cogito, he does know what happened, and before I was very uptight about him having anything to do with him, I think deep down it's because I know that his Dad really hasn't bothered about him, no birthday cards etc, there has been nothing in 17/18 years, DS is also very sensitive and could well take this very personal, and now it's happened it doesn't bother me at all, maybe because I did do everything I could at the time for him to see his Dad, I felt after that no way am I going to waste my time.

I can already see him getting annoyed with some things she's said to him.

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Lweji · 14/09/2014 22:30

He is an adult and he made the choice of looking for his dad.
It looks like he is still a twat, but you can't protect him from it, sadly.

If anything, just be there to listen to him and for a hug if he gets hurt.

Original poster
shitatusernames · 14/09/2014 22:34

Oh I will Lweji, I was hoping for his sake he'd not be but looks like I was right, I've not been nasty about his girlfriend either, the poor woman has stayed with him after all Wink

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Original poster
shitatusernames · 14/09/2014 22:37

But if I do hear lies, I will have to get involved, this is the bloke who said he had a shot gun and was going to shoot us all, sent debt collector's to my mum's house, was going to kill himself, who couldn't live without us but had cheated on me god knows how many times, sorry ranting now.

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Original poster
shitatusernames · 14/09/2014 22:50

So, I've seen she's sent him a message on facebook through his account, he's now friends with her, she reckons he would like to see my ds, if this was true why hasn't he bothered in 17 years? I'm worried now that he will not believe what I've told him, he'll believe complete strangers over me, the one who worked full time to support him, what a kick in the teeth that will be if that happens.

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SweetErmengarde · 14/09/2014 22:56

For what it's worth, OP, I have been in a similar position to your DS - no contact with my father after my parents split when I was little.

Based on my feelings as 18, your DS will know logically that his father is a less than stellar character, partly from what you have told him and partly from the lack of contact for most of his life and the lack of direct acknowledgement now.

However, even if the man is truly dreadful, your DS will still want to know it firsthand. Right now, your ex represents an unanswered question about the half of your DS that he doesn't recognise in you. Even a disappointing answer would be preferable to a lifetime of conjecture.

Lweji is exactly right, your understanding, support and comfort (when needed) willsee him through any outcome.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/09/2014 22:58

That's unlikely to happen. Once a twat, always a twat. If your son doesn't know about the shot-gun and the threatening to kill himself, he needs to be told.

Lweji · 14/09/2014 23:06

I would trust that your son knows you and your values.
It's natural to want to see his dad, but he knows he hasn't been in his life for years and even now it's the girlfriend who is really pushing it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2014 23:09

Sounds like your ex's partner has been watching 'Long Lost Family', got some daft romantic notion about reuniting them and gone out on a limb. A child is always going to be curious about an absent parent, even if that parent is Old Nick himself. There's always that question-mark of 'am I anything like them?' hovering.

SweetErmengarde · 14/09/2014 23:10

I agree, Bitter. I can see why OP wouldn't have told him all the details up to now, but if he means to let the GF arrange a meeting, he should have full information about the kind of person his dad is so he can decide if he really wants to go ahead.

Original poster
shitatusernames · 14/09/2014 23:26

I wrote a huge reply and because of this new site it's gone grrrrrr, thank you for the replies, I have been very honest with him, I don't think I've told him about the shot gun incident but the police were called at the time, would love to hear the twats excuse as to why he's not bothered, no doubt it'll be my fault, I've no issue with her, but why has he still not got in touch with ds? Coward? Doesn't know what to say? I think I'll be using this to vent if that's ok xx

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Original poster
shitatusernames · 14/09/2014 23:29

I do think it's all her Cogito, after all he's not bothered in all these years so why would he bother now?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 06:54

He wouldn't. But just extrapolate a little from what you know about living with him all those years ago. If he's still the abusive, intimidating type, she may think that reuniting him with DS will keep him sweet. Maybe he's spent the last years twisting the reason why he was excluded from DS and making it all your fault. (Inadequate bullies can use a sob story and love to blame others) So she thinks DS hitting 18 (significant age) means she can correct a great wrong. There are lots of other reasons - illness, meeting a half-sibling, Damascene conversion - and you can lose sleep wondering about them.

Ultimately, DS has to be armed with ALL the information, have a good think about people's motives and then make his decision how to proceed - and with your support either way, of course.

Original poster
shitatusernames · 15/09/2014 07:28

Oh he'll have that, he knows that I'll always be there.

Yes I do think he will more than likely now give her a sob story, she reckons they've been together 12 years, so in all this time surely she will have seen he's made no effort.

DS1 does realise how different his life would have been if I had have stayed with his dad, he certainly wouldn't have grown up and got a full time job like he has now, I worked from when he was 11 months and he's grown up seeing it, wouldn't have been the case with his dad. So I know that no matter what he says he's had nothing to do with how he's turned out and it's all down to me, hubby and my mum and dad Grin

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Original poster
shitatusernames · 16/09/2014 13:35

So DS1 has heard from his dad.

He said that he didn't deserve a son back then something we agree on then, and apparently he has found it so hard to watch him grow up from afar and not be able be able to talk to him or ds1 not knowing who he is Hmm, but he had his reasons, and that as he got older he realised he couldn't get in touch and had to wait for ds1 to get in touch with him, and he ends it in, like I said son, why now?

Am I right in thinking he's still a twat?

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Lweji · 16/09/2014 13:37

Not sure if he's trying to put your DS off, or trying for the pity vote.

Original poster
shitatusernames · 16/09/2014 13:37

Oh and he's lived in the same town as us for 2 years.

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Original poster
shitatusernames · 16/09/2014 13:38

I'm swaying towards the pity vote.

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Original poster
shitatusernames · 16/09/2014 13:40

And I know I'm annoyed but I do not think he should be calling him son, he hasn't earn't that right yet.

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Original poster
shitatusernames · 20/09/2014 21:49

So an update.

DS1 has met twat head, I do not call him this to DS1 though lol.

From what I can gather it's a good job I left as I'm 99% sure SS would've been involved now from what DS1 has told me.

He's been in and out of prison, in rehab and was a heroin user, only been clean year, so he says.

I am so glad I got out when I did, I was 17 and realised this was not the way I wanted my life to be.

I also think DS1 is realising just how lucky we both were, we escaped the violence, and the escalating drug use and the life of misery that would have happened had I have stayed, I'm feeling quite proud of myself.

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Lweji · 21/09/2014 00:21

You should be proud of yourself.

Hopefully he might still be able to be a decent father to your DS.

Original poster
shitatusernames · 21/09/2014 00:31

Thank you Lweji.

I'm not sure he will, he's admitted that everything is his fault etc, and yet DS1 doesn't seem exactly thrilled about it all, DH thinks he's disappointed, everything I've told him is true and all the latest stuff he's learnt doesn't paint him in the best light, so on meeting him and finding things out that even I never knew means I was right about the sort of person he was, so now he has to digest that actually, his mum was right and his Dad is a twat? Does that make sense? Sorry, was rambling a bit x

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justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 00:33

I too suspect gf pushed this as he probably spun her some sob story about how you done him wrong ans missing his ds has turned him into the twat he is to her. She may be trying to fix him (thankless task).
And cannot believe the man she thinks she loves just left his ds. I would be tempted to send her a copy of Lundy.

Hopefully disappointing though this must be for DS to find out his one and only father is a waste of skin, it will also have answered some questions and doubts for him and will be to the good in the long run.

Neither you nor he can help the fact that his dad was abusive. It is not what anyone would choose. But that being the case, it is best to face it and move on.

Btw I am glad you got out so young. you sound fab and very strong. Escape is not easy. Staying free even harder so well doneThanks

Original poster
shitatusernames · 21/09/2014 00:41

justice I already see lies in what he's told him, but I'm thinking it's to make himself look a little better.

DS1 has said he has been in and out of prison and this is the longest he's stayed out, a whole year, yet he told him at 1st he'd watched him grow up and couldn't speak etc, and hated knowing he didn't know who he was, my son will give anyone the benefit of the doubt and I'm wondering if he's seeing through the little lies x

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