Unhappy but scared I would not cope alone

[Tingatingatale]

I have been with my husband since my late teens. Twenty years later we have two children. We have never been an overly affectionate couple but lately we don't even like each other. He talks to me like shit and I am failing to find a good point in him apart from being a good dad. I am not a bed of roses either.

A row kicked off yesterday about something I said which was taken out of term. I apparently have an attitude but he just jumped down my throat. He ending up shouting and hasn't even spoken to me since. I am a pathetic groveller and I hate it!

I am having problems with my eldest son at the moment stropping and giving attitude. I told him off yesterday for talking to be badly and said not to talk to me like that. He replied that daddy talked to me like that all the time so what's the problem. That hit me !

What do I do though. I don't even know where to start. I'm not working but am having interviews. I would never be able to pay rent and childcare out of my salary though and my husband is self employed so id probably get no maintenance ! Also if he is like this now what would he be like if I left him. I also can't bare the thought of losing my kids half the time.

I could carry on like this for years though, I've done twenty! If it affects my kids though then it's time to consider walking away and starting again.

Anyone does this please?

My eldest boy is 5 by the way

You should not carry on like this for goodness alone how many more years. He will destroy you completely if he is allowed to do that to you.

Do you not think you and your children here have suffered enough?.

He is not a good dad to his children if he treats you like this, women in abuse situations often write such comments when they cannot write anything at all positive to write about their man. You have done precisely this in your post.

This is already affecting your children and markedly so, this stuff can last a lifetime. Your son is already copying how his dad behaves towards you, he is learning from his dad that this is how you treat women (there for being abused and as a possession).

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

Your children are already learning a lot of damaging lessons about relationships, lessons that they could well carry forward into their own adult relationships and they could go onto be emotionally abusive themselves. You simply cannot protect your children fully from what they are seeing and hearing at home; this is no sanctuary for them either but a warzone that they are also caught up in.

Why do you think he would even get 50/50 childcare?, such is based on pure supposition and not fact. Do you think that such a man would even bother wanting his children half the time post separation anyway?. Such men only think of themselves ultimately.

You need the help of both Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and decent legal advice to leave. You cannot go on like this and staying any longer within this will make it harder for you to leave because you will be further ground down.

This is no legacy to leave them and any supposed fear of being on your own is trumped by the fact that your children are already being harmed emotionally. They are being damaged by their dad's private war against you their mother.

It is hard to leave but taking the first baby step to leave is often the hardest one to make and do. Also fear keeps you within this. However, no obstacle is insurmountable and no person is above the law.

Call Womens Aid and take that baby step out to begin a better life for you and your children.

After many years of unhappiness my exh left suddenly after I told him I could no long live with him. We were also married for 20 years at the time.

I was terrified when he left.

I was SAHM, and he controlled everything. I had no idea how much money he made - he was/is also self-employed - and he paid all the bills. We had separate finances and he would put money into my bank account.

My children were badly affected by all the arguments and nastiness in the home and tbh I wish I had left him years before he finally went. It would have been far better for them not to have had to watched our marriage deteriorate.

My exh had no desire to see his children once he'd left, although I did try to keep their relationship, such as it was at the time, going with him. There's no reason why you should lose your children half the time.

And just because he's self-employed it doesn't mean he won't be paying maintenance.

As Attila says first baby steps. You can do it, it may not be easy, but you'll be doing a good thing for yourself and your children, now and in the future.

Good luck.

I'm the same. 24 years tomorrow & too scared to jump

Thanks all. I am looking for a job at the moment and I guarantee things will change for a bit but I don't think I can forget the last year or two and there is a lot of resentment on his part. We also have a house which needs a lot of work which wouldn't sell at the moment and I couldn't afford to run it. I have nowhere to go either. No one has room for us to stay although I would get a lot of emotional support.

He would want to see the kids though. He really is a good day just not a very good husband to me at the moment