Hi I'm not really sure where to start so I apologise if I end up rambling.
I have very low self-esteem from years of bullying both at school and at home. Over the years I've found that I have had to do it all myself and have not been able to rely on anyone for help as they (family) have always let me down when I've most needed it. I've gotten through bouts of severe depression only thanks to my DS (8).
As a result of the above I haven't really had any relationships since DS' s father left when he was 1. That is until this past year when the most wonderful man has stubbornly stuck by me
I admit that I have found it very difficult trying to allow myself to let someone in to my life. The fear of eventually being hurt is so overpowering and letting someone help me feels like all the independence I have worked so hard to get over the past 7 years will go in an instance. I'm terrified of being back in a position 7 years ago where I was penniless and helpless.
The man I've been seeing is so unbelievably patient. We don't live together; the thought of living with anyone ever again just scares me so much. He's thoughtful, kind, loving and everything any woman would want in a man. He's fantastic with DS whoop adores him just as much. Recently I panicked though
and tried to push him away. It didn't work so I broke up with him.
For a couple of weeks we tried to remain friends but it was too hard for us both as feelings were still there and we ended up in bed together
Now I don't really know where we are. We've been behaving like the couple we were but haven't labelled it (fine by me as labelling a relationship frightens the hell out of me).
He has recently started chatting to a new work colleague and has stayed at her house a couple of nights when he's worked late as it's easier than going back to his house (I am fully in agreement as to the practicalities of it). She messages him every day which he replies to out of politeness. I know I can't say anything to him as I have no right to; our relationship status is not defined. I can't help feeling intensely jealous and insecure whenever he is messaging her. He maintains nothing is going on between them which I fully believe and on one hand I do not for one second believe he'd ever do anything to hurt me but on the other hand I'm petrified that he'll end up hurting me and the trust which has taken me so long to give him will just end up shattered. I know I'm being ridiculous but you know the saying "once bitten, twice shy" well for me it feels like "tenth bitten, eleventh shy" as it feels like that's how many times I've put my trust in someone and been totally let down.
As an aside though I did mention to him that I reckon his colleague fancies him and he said he also thinks the same (which didn't help).
How do I get over this and a) let someone into my life and b) allow myself to trust someone again.