Heartbroken

[Richie01]

Hey girls.
First time posting here and I really need some encouragement and some wisdom I guess.
My story is a long one, but I will try and shorten it as best I can.
I met who I thought was the one back in 2012, I had just given birth seven weeks prior to my daughter. Her dad left me when I was pregnant after I discovered he was sleeping with the local bar maid! Anyway, I met the one. From the moment we spoke it was like we had known each other all our lives. The chemistry was electric between us and I knew he was special. We dated for about three months but ended because he wasn't ready for a relationship and was going travelling. A year passed with very little contact, until suddenly we started talking again and it became obvious immediately we had to see each other again. From the second we set eyes on each other again we fell for each other. It was totally crazy. And we have been inseperable for seven months. He was my best friend. We would spend hours laughing so hard tears would stream down our faces. We were totally besotted with each other, never ever argued. Never really disagreed on anything either. Life was just so perfect, except the fact we lived two hours away from each other! But we would see each other for one week on, one week off. It's suddenly all ended. He told me that something just doesn't feel right anymore. That he's not ready for "forever" yet. And although I'm his best friend and he said he loves me more than anything, and he's never met anyone he could just totally be himself with and no one had ever made him laugh like I do, not even his lad mates, that it just isn't going to last for us. He wants to travel again, and he said whilst he's been so in love with me he's been blinded by "real life" like he's been walking around and forgetting all responsibilities because of how infatuated we are. Which he says is unhealthy. I am left totally devastated. He is 26, and so am I. Everyone is shocked. Everyone said how they thought we were the perfect couple, people were jealous over how close we were. We did everything together when we saw each other. Life was just one big laugh, I was always bent over holding my stomach from the laughter we would have. And I loved him so so dearly. And now he's left me again.
Nothing can describe the pain that I feel. I feel like iv lost my limbs. I genuinely believed he was my soul mate. We spoke about marriage. He used to say all the time if this isn't it I don't know what is. And he used to say all the time if we ever broke up I know we'd get back together because nothing will ever compare to this.
Has anyone ever lost the one they were totally best friends with? The one they thought they were spending the rest of their lives with? Every one seems pale beside him. I can't see myself ever finding someone that makes me feel the way he does. Iv never experienced it before :( can anyone shed some personal similar experiences on me? Will he ever come back? I just don't know what to do. I'm totally grief stricken. It's been three weeks and I am no better now than what I was the moment he told me. I know it takes time, Iv been heartbroken before, but nothing like this. He was my best friend :( sorry for putting a downer on your days! I just hope someone can shed some light on what to do to move on, or any hope at all really on personal experiences of true loves coming back later. Xx

Every man I have been with, well mostly, I have thought was the one.

I learnt that it is the doing of it, the staying, the trusting that grew on its own, the non discussion of how this is it etc, but the simple being of it.

What I get from your post is that he fucked off initially, and now he has fucked off again. So he wasn't the one. He probed it.

I think it must be a massive shock yes. And that's something to get used to. But you will get used to it.

The next thing is, what next for you and him? Cos people who fuck off like that out of my life never really come back in the same way, to the same degree. They ruin it and it can never be mended to how it was before. Be careful that he doesn't keep you hanging on a string, and your feelings for him stay alive while you try to be friends. I'd give it a big wide berth for some years and start a new life without him. With a clean slate. Some time doing nothing, no men, just enjoying life out and about. Block him if he tries. And meet a new man when the time is right xxxx so sorry xxxx

Probed it? Ruined it!

Maybe try thinking of him as 'nearly the one' instead. Lots of positive features but didnt share the same long term goals. It really hurts, I know, but keep telling yourself that this, too, shall pass.

I thought all 3 of my LTRs were with "the one" but that hasn't turned out to be the case. Sad, yes, but I've also realised how good I am at taking care of myself. You are much younger than me and in time you will meet someone different. The trick is not to let yourself build this man up in to the image of someone he just wasn't. He didn't tick every box in the end. The next person you meet will have a personality all his own for you to get to know and appreciate.

My friend yearned for a TVR. He got one. He was DELIGHTED. It was fun, fast, glamorous - everything he wanted from a car. But after the first 7 or 8 months it had 2 or 3 major breakdowns that were costly to mend. In the end he came to the conclusion it just wasn't for him after all. He sold it, got something more practical but still quite smart and took the opportunity to get a basset hound as well. He couldn't be happier!

He would never have predicted that outcome, but it suited him down to the ground.

Maybe your exdp will turn out to be your TVR. Don't assume the next 'car' to come along won't be even more fulfilling. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Good luck x

Sorry you feel so bad.
What jumps out is the short period of time you have actually been with him. Some people can come on very strong at first and be all hearts and flowers then as quickly as the intensity built, it fades. It's very heady and intense while it lasts but it just can't sustain at that level. Because these individuals are actually quite shallow they believe that means the feelings have gone and move on, often to another 'the one' with all the hearts and romance.
Please put aside notions of 'the one' 'instant connections' and all that. Love is real, but it's a lot more than the addictive, lightheaded feelings that accompany the start of a very intense relationship.

And he used to say all the time if we ever broke up I know we'd get back together because nothing will ever compare to this

That's an odd thing to say once, let alone all the time. Why was he contemplating breaking up? Because he's been through this pattern before perhaps? Most people in happy relationships don't talk about what would happen if they broke up all the time.

That's perceptive Ehric

OP lots of Sinead O'Connor and crying yourself to sleep. We've all been there.

I think for me relationships always end up a little myopic - there's always a feeling that this guy is "the one" and that nobody else outside of him could ever really compare (or if there is you just won't find them). Part of the loss is actually that feeling of how difficult it will be to replace them and not so much the individual characteristics of the person you've lost.

For instance, I broke up with a long-term boyfriend in my 20s and I remember thinking about really minor things - e.g. we both used to watch a certain TV show together and I remember one time getting into tears over the idea that "I'll never find someone who likes that show again". The truth is, I never did find someone who liked that show again but did it matter? Absolutely not because I've had better relationships and been with better people than him.

That's the kind of trick the brain plays on you - it convinces you that the person you've lost is some kind of one in a million just because he has individual characteristics that you like about him, but there are other people out there who might be different but just as capable of making you happy. I'm in my mid-30s and if I look back at all the relationships I've had I think I've made this mistake a lot. It's that feeling of "never being able to replace him" that actually causes the most pain - and in retrospect, I did replace these men in time and was no less happy for it.

I know that doesn't help much right now. If you're anything like me all you're thinking about is some hope he might come back and turn into the person you want him to be. Maybe he will, but my experience is they don't and waiting for someone who has other things going on is often the most dangerous thing you can do in my opinion.

Life was pretty good with him while it lasted, but it wasn't a solid relationship, and a second go didn't work either.

Wishing and hoping can't hide the cracks. If he were really your best friend he wouldn't keep breaking your heart. All I can say is accept this is what he does. It's his choice. He let you get your hopes up. I'm afraid if he isn't already seeing other women "one week on, one week off" he's just going to repeat this and you're going to be no further on.

Being available, putting out the welcome mat just encourages him to walk back into your life laughing louder than ever, knowing he's forgiven.

Some good points Becky. I think that experiences like this in your younger years helps you keep things in perspective when you're older.

OP I'm sorry you're hurting but I agree with Ehric that this level of intensity just isn't sustainable. One week on, one off? What happened during the "off" weeks?

What you describe sounds like lust, not love. I think he'll probably come back but because he's bored, and he won't stay around.

I know break-up's suck, discovering the person that you thought cared doesn't actually care hurts and you deserve better. If he wanted to be with you, he would. I think you need to try and move on and focus on yourself and your child.

Yes, I have lost the one I thought was my soulmate, it tore me apart. I was never the same after. It was as intense as you describe, and as unhealthy, and it was probably completely untenable because of that. But by God, I loved him. It left me a bit broken, but I have loved people since and I think on no planet would it ever have worked with him. Sometimes there are people with whom you have that energy - but I think it is a common myth that 'soulmates' are forever. They are not, they are just the people you had the most profound connection of your life with, or who you loved the most deeply. It's the lucky ones that also get to make a life with that person.
I'm quite glad I'm not with him now. But I did love him like nobodies business and still do. It's an odd thing.

It is like losing a limb, yes, and deeply shocking. And it takes time to get over but you will get over it and be okay.

I was binned by 'The One'. I literally spent weeks/months in physical pain. I am now happily married to The Real One.
You are at the start of a trully horrendous journey. But you WILL be ok.

Thanks girls. I know it sounds silly with the short time we were together. But iv been in long relationships, I was with my kids dad for five years. So I am not naive. I just can't describe how intense our love was in such a short space of time. I just can't help but feel like he's freaked out and ran. Even though he was actually more intense than I was. But it felt totally natural. We fell head over heels and that was that. I'm devastated and totally hurt betrayed and confused that he's just vanished. Thank you for your kind words of support, I feel like I'm at that panic stage of my life where I'm 26, I'm a single mum, I thought he was the one and I was wrong. I'm panicking I'll be single forever now! Silly really though isn't it. Thanks again girls you've brought some good points to the table xx x

I'm not sure about all of this "girls" business!

People don't panic and run when they really love someone. Honestly, they don't.