How do you keep your marriage working with small kids?

[ThreeBecameFour]

We have 2 dc's 1 aged 1 & 3. Married 6 years together 8. We both work hard (me 4 days a week) and DH long hours. We don't seem to have a lot of time for eachother. We niggle at eachother, have arguments, we seem to have stopped talking to eachother but don't want to break up and do want to make things work. We have no sex life or emotional connection other than over the kids. In truth we only had sex to make the kids it seems...We don't talk to eachother about emotions as he things I am over emotional about our relationship so I have shut down, I think he just gets on with things and never opens up to me. How do you make time for your DH/DP when life is a bit crazy in the preschool years? How do you keep the relationship going around sleep deprivation, earning a living and general family life? We went out for dinner for the first time in a year last weekend. It was nice but we were knackered. I would be really interested to hear how you made it through the early years with dc's. DH has announced he nearly left me 3 weeks ago, due to me being a bitch and being hormonal (his answer to everything which in itself is infuriating). He didn't because of the kids. I don't think I have been that awful, certainly not intentional, I am just bloody exhausted running a household with two small dc's with no emotional support in terms of us as a couple. Sometimes I feel like my friends with small dc's are lying about how bloody hard it is and pretending everything is great and they are still in love through all the tiredness and small children exhaustion. Maybe they are? Maybe it really is us at the end of this road? We might be doomed. I would say I do love him, but my heart doesn't skip a beat or I don't have that warm fuzzy feeling anymore about him. I love him yes. But I could go on without him. I know love changes over the years. I feel numb. I do want it to work though. I don't want to lose him. He does help when he can and is a very good father. I have tried to be more considered in my approach to him but it is like walking on eggshells. I can also be stubborn.

We are going to Relate on Saturday to try to salvage anything that is left between us. I feel lonely and unloved. I am sure he would say the same for different reasons. We adore our kids. I am sure some of you have gone through similar circumstances. Did it work? Any tips?

I ended up working just 3 days so we had weekends just for the family. I can remember each having a sat or sun where one of us would lay on whe the other got up. Can the kids stay over night once a month at a grandparents house so you two can get a take away or go out. Once the kids were in bed at the weekend we would stick on a film and have a glass of wine. The house was a tip but we needed the down time.

Sorry, I wish I had an answer but I can sympathise. Even though our DCs are grown up now,the marriage is dead. I think a lot of people never get the relationship back.

Sounds like my house. I don't think people ever admit to what a strain having children is. I flip between thinking I'd be happier on my own, to I can't imagine being without dh. I also can't imagine being accepting to him having a relationship with someone else which kind of tells me there is still something there. I'm a sahm at the mo so I do think I'm a bit introverted in how I see things. We've recently come close to splitting and part of me was relieved, but also terrified of making a mistake. What if I'm not better off single. What if I'm consumed with jealousy when he meets someone else? What if I damage my kids with how I'm feeling about their dad??

Do I get a prize for the most unhelpful and inconclusive post??

I do know where you're coming from though and hope you sort things out xx

Sounds really trite, but we started texting.

Little things like thanks for that ten extra minutes in bed, or you looked good this morning.

Small kindnesses, picking up a favourite chocolate bar, wordlessly passing a paper to read on the toilet.

One of the biggest was touching, I HATED intimate touching, just felt like another demand - so once the kids were older made a much more concentrated effort of sitting down next to each other, a bit of a stroke when we passed each other.

And humour, we have quite a few in jokes - the kids create opportunity for ample more ( our eldest tantrumming return to school phase has inspired a dolphin impression... probably had to be there at the time but it was funny).

Aged 1 and 3 is pretty much hugely draining, I hope you come out the other side a stronger family.

Definitely spend time alone together

I'm no relationship expert and rarely, if ever, post on this board but here goes...
We have 2 small dc the same age as yours and the things we do are:

• give each other time alone as much as possible to rest/unwind/recharge
• alternate lie-ins on a weekend so at least one of us isn't knackered by mid-aft
• put the kids to bed at 7, whether they're asleep or not (if they're quiet they're fine), so we can have an evening meal together where we talk about our day or anything else other than the dc
• I've gone completely off sex (haven't wanted it since being pg with dc2) but little touches, hand holds, kisses and cuddles still keep the physical aspect alive
• regular nights off where the children stay out overnight and we either go out or stay in and can have a full evening, lie-in and most of the following morning together
• days off together when the dc are at nursery so we can go out during the day without them, for example shopping or just to a friend's house and have an uninterrupted conversation

Now is the time when you have to really put the effort in to make your relationship work. Little things mean a lot - a simple kiss or cup of tea can go a long way. Make sure you talk, and laugh, about things other than the dc.

In a similar situation. Children similar age. Am looking for the answer too so if it is any comfort you Re not alone and perhaps knowing that at this stage in our lives we are in a similar situ might help us both. X

My advice is to hang on in there. My children are 5 and 7 now and the last two years with my DH have been great. The 3 or so years before that were bloody hard. We were both so tired and everything was so hard, plus we were still adjusting to having a family we just couldn't get along.

Fast forward to now and life is great. Family time is ace and so is our alone time. That's not to say that we don't still have arguments, but I think we are both in a place now where we respect what the other person contributes, without the need to compete on who is the most exhausted/ put apon , etc. Its just come with time.

Don't give up.