A question for those that understand emotional abuse

[greenberet]

After reading many threads on here I feel I have been emotionally abused by my DH for years without ever realising it - whenever things have not been quite right I had always thought it must be me after suffering from depression and being on ADs for 10years +. I have come to a slow belief that my DH has a narcisstic personality and has been controlling and manipulating me throughout our marriage -mainly with money, a do as I say not do attitude and a refusal to discuss anything to avoid conflict. He thinks this is all nonsense -to the outside world he is charming and very successful.

We are currently in early stages of separation after he decided on a fresh start with no prior discussion and the little contact I do have with him leaves me feeling I am going mad. I feel he deliberately ignores or delays responding to any emails I send him unless it has an immediate impact on him, he refuses to discuss anything as he feels my behaviour is unreasonable as I am normally frustrated & angry with him by this time and when we do have contact he just completely blanks me in front of the kids. There is absolutely no recognition of what he has put me through and just a total lack of respect for me.

My question is if you feel you are being emotionally abused so much so that thinking about it can bring on feelings of a panic attack can you be wrong. I have tried to be as reasonable as I can be for the sake of the kids, I feel he is starting to twist things with them now and I feel like I am being backed into a corner and dont know what to do for the best anymore.

Appreciate some advice thanks

No, you are not wrong. Stop being reasonable, he isn't going to be. Get a solicitor. Start communicating through the solicitor.
Get in touch with womens aid.

Hi greenberet

Firstly there will never be any recognition of what he has put you through and secondly you need to stop trying to be reasonable.

Read Lundy Bancroft, why does he do this, as to why he is unable to recognise your feelings etc and only do things if you want to, it is in yours or your dcs best interest.

It's really hard but you need to stop caring, giving a shit about him or what he thinks. He will never ever see it your way (Lundy will help with this) you are wasting your time and energy and knowing this will set you free I promise.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It will take time to heal and to change to the real you that you would have been if you had never met him but you will be glad he chose to leave you in the not too distance future.

Unfortunately you will never get any closure . If he is manipulating your children you must take action. It's a mistake to be reasonable with an unreasonable person as they see it as a weakness. I strongly recommend you by the book divorce poison before this gets any worse.

many thanks for the replies I will get the book and speak to a solicitor

Yes, I agree with the pp. you cannot reason with an arsehole...my mantra during my split. Just detach, stop contacting- let all contact be through the solicitors.

Get him out of your life and fast! X

On pick ups is it possible to send your children out to him.? Do you need to have contact with him at pick up ? The contempt he displays towards you in front of your dcs will be obvious to them and they will interpretate that as mum has done something to deserve it , especially if you don't assert yourself. I would avoid all contact that isn't absolutely necessary.

also, record everything. It's a good way of looking back and seeing the reality of what's gone on when you re-read it. I imagine it's potentially good in court sometimes.

it won't seem like it atm, but in the long run him leaving may have actualy done you a favour.

I think that if he's been like this towards you for the duration of the relationship though, you might want to consider what sort of impact his behaviour has had on the children. They might well be taken in by him and completely fooled and that sort of super-selfish, minimizing behaviour has bad effects on people in the long term.

I agree with other posters; if he is an abuser or narcissistic then you'll almost certainly never get any acknowledgement from him. He is also stonewalling you to avoid discussing important things with you, which leaves him with all of the financial and decision-making power.

Earlier today I advised someone else on this board to write down a list of all the horrible things that her 'D'P did. You could do this too: for the last week, month, year... Then read it back and ask yourself what you would do if one of your friends came to you and said that she'd written it about her partner. Keep hold of this list and look at it every time you doubt yourself. Add to it if he does more.

You are not wrong. You are not crazy. You are doing the right thing for you and your children. Keep it up.

Agreeing with others, abusive people who like to control others through bullying, emotional or otherwise, do not respond to 'reasonable'. In fact, they interpret 'reasonable' as 'weak' and will see it as an invitation to ramp up the bullying.

So stop being reasonable for the DCs or anyone else, engage a good solicitor, drop all contact except for bare essentials and totally lower your expectations. Assume he is going to be obstructive, hostile and unpleasant. Let the solicitor deal with it and make him pay through the nose for the privilege of being a non-cooperative arsehole.

so how do i deal with this - there are no arrangements for contact with the kids after this weekend - there has still been no reply to my emails -the reasons ranging from he is too busy, with kids, doesnt read personal emails during day etc. I feel I am going mad and the stress is getting to me. I know I am being EA - he has now told my DD 13 that he feels she is a spy because she talks to me about what is going on at his place she wants to talk I am not asking her to report back I want to have an open relationship with her where we can talk about anything. He doesn't like the amount of time she instant messages me (30mins on sat - i was helping her with homework) when she is there or that she waves out the window when I happen to drive past. I just want to get something in place so that we all now what we are doing & not have to be constantly checking my emails to see whether he has bothered to reply.

What are your emails about? Contact?

If he hasn't made arrangements about contact after this weekend, then just continue your life as normal. Make plans, go out with kids etc and if he says he wants to see them, say you can see them every other weekend and for the evening every Wednesday ( or whatever suits you) and leave it at that. If he replies no, say that is my proposal and if your not happy take me to court.

Then don't reply to any of his emails except the one that says yes and agrees to a concrete set of routines for you and dcs.

Is he making you chase him about contact and then not replying until the last minute?

My daughter is 14 and is starting to pull back from seeing her dad. All his own doing. I don't make her go, nor do I stop her if she doesn't want. She knows this is my view. Does your dd want to go?

Sorry that should read I don't stop her from going nor do I make her go.

Is he army?

no hes not army & yes emails are about contact. he seems to blow hot & cold suggests something - it isnt feasible so a further plan is made and then we get here again when I am waiting for him to respond and yes it is me doing the chasing.

Surely if he was putting the kids first he wouldn't be leaving things in limbo like this and it makes me angry & he knows this and it makes me out to be the one causing all the hassle when its him.

Im trying to shield the kids from the person I think he is but when you feel you have been abused and are still being abused & I believe he is trying to manipulate them too what are you supposed to do. Im the one left to pick up our shattered lives while he gets on with his fresh start and sees the kids when it suits him as cant cope with anything more. Personally I dont think he wants the hassle of the day to day stuff but would never admit this - work has always been his main priority and is still proving to be the case

I'm not sure you should shield them from the reality of the man he is. Your daughter is 13, old enough to begin to see him for what he is. I would think that talking over the situation honestly and neutrally is better.

Tell them that you're trying to arrange contact and that you are waiting for Dad to email you back. Stop chasing him. You can't enforce a relationship and if he really is emotionally abusive, you shouldn't. When your daughter asks if he's replied, say "no" if he hasn't. You don't need to put any emotion into your answer.

You don't want your daughter growing up to be with a man like he is. Shielding them at this age is a form of pullign the wool over their eyes and I think you're better off letting them being to see people for what they are. Even their father.

begin*

I agree with meerka I desperately wanted to shield my daughter but you can't. The best option is to have a father that never lets them down, but if they have got a father that lets them down the best option isn't to shield them from that.

How many children do you have and how old? Does he work shifts/ weekends etc?

What contact would you prefer?

feeling v down today - he has replied re contact only after I had to threaten to put everything through sols. I think I need to pay solicitors some money and the only money I have access to is kids savings - i have asked him to make some money available but guess what no answer.

no shifts but works long hrs which can involve weekends although his choice. we are supposed to be doing this amicably for kids - i completely lost it last night - how can we have any sort of future parent relationship kids are in teens -when we cant even get past this. I fear my depression is returning - just cant stop crying - have been left to sort everything out whilst he enjoys his new start in his new house being furnished with money I dont have access to & i dont think its going to get any easier. so very nearly called womans aid last night as dont know what i can do

Can you go through CSA? That way you wouldn't need a Sol to get access for money.

There is a website called 'entitled to'. You put in your financial details and it will tell you what you could potentially get.

Definitely call woman's aid. They will be extremely knowledgeable about your situation and it can't hurt can it?

I know it's hard but you have to try and not get upset about the fact that he is an asshole. There is nothing you did to make him that way and nothing you can do to change him, so view it has a waste of brain space to even think about him.

If you need ads to get you through the immediate aftermath then that's what you should do. View it as a temporary measure to help get you stronger to deal with an asshole.

Hope you can plan/ do something nice for you this weekend.

sassandfaff - thanks for keep replying feeling a bit better now RL support not around at moment and feeling it

If you talk to some solicitors you can try to negotiate to pay your fee out of the eventual financial settlement rather than up front. Echo the advice to call Womens Aid as they can often point you in the direction of solicitors with experience in emotionally abusive relationships.

Agreeing with others... don't push for the contact with your DCs. Let the mountain come to Mohammed for a change.

If you're having panic attacks this is a sign of PTSD which can and does happen after abusive relationships.

Just echoing what everyone else is saying. DO call Women's Aid, they're not just for physically abused women and they will be able to give you so much support and advice, which you really need at the moment.

Don't expect him to put the children before his own needs/wants, he won't do that. Oh he'll talk the talk, and probably try the whole 'she's so unreasonable' card with other people, but all he really cares about are his own feelings and how other people see him. Ignore ignore ignore!!