How do you know when your marriage is over?

[OctoberCarrot]

I feel I know in my heart that this is not the way a marriage should be but I don't know. There are so many things wrong but sometimes it is so good. We have two small children and when I know that things are bad I just feel so sorry for them. I grew up in a very happy home and am so upset with myself that I seemed to get it so wrong and that there is a very real chance my dc will grow up in a broken home.

Any tips on how to get my head around it? There just seems constant head fuss I can't see the woods from the trees and what I want/need :(

I don't know what to advise because you give so little information.

However, I can tell you that I could have written your post word for word 6 months ago. I have now separated from my H.

I knew I had to separate when I imagined myself in 6 months time still being in the marriage and the same situation. After so many years of trying to put things right and in fact if anything they were getting worse, the idea of still being there was too depressing to contemplate. The alternative imaginary future - the one where I left him - was scary but much brighter. So I did it.

It's only been 6 weeks and it is still hard but I don't regret it.

From what I've read on here, it really helps to write things down. Other posters can be very insightful and help you gain clarity.

Why do you think your marriage isn't how one should be?

Oh yes Vivacia, I wrote things down. On one page I wrote down all the reasons to stay and on the other all the reasons to leave. I put down everything I could think of - even the little things that weren't deal breakers. It was very clarifying.

I think that having a young family is exhausting. It changes you, your finances and your relationship in ways you could never have imagined. As your love for your DC is unconditional the other adult in the mix, fairly or not, gets the brunt of frustration.

Having young children in a marriage is tiring, having them without one and a messy separation is a whole other kettle of fish.

I'm divorced and remarried. My DC were 1 and 3. I wouldn't have wished the exhaustion of the divorce at that stage in my life on anyone. Seven years on I'm happily remarried with three DC now but the trauma has made me realise that you really do have to work at things and find ways through and around rough patches, identifying them as that. If there are never ways around situations and all compromise is you then yes maybe its time to consider the alternatives.

Divorce doesn't return you to being a carefree 20 something with disposable income. Life moves in one direction, forwards.

Some people I know who've divorced with young DC appear to have been influenced by a sort of depression of growing older, being lost in parenthood, loss of personal identity and middleagedom (okay so i created that word). The divorce has created a sort of spark in life, given them a focus. Post divorce the grass hasn't necessarily been greener. Rather like sometimes couples who've been together years suddenly plan an elaborate wedding only to separate a year later.

When did you last do something for yourself? When did you last have some time to just be you? Before going to far down the looking into divorce as a solution to things is it worth looking into what you need to make you happy?

I guess when you've tried everything you can think of to make it work and it's just getting worse. If you look to the future with dread, that's when I would says its over.

If you do realise splitting up is your best option, that doesn't mean you kids will grow up I am unhappy home, sometimes having parents not together gives the happiest upbringing, you can have 2 parents living together and it still be a 'broken' home, so that shouldn't be a deciding factor.

TOO GOOD TO LEAVE TOO BAD TO STAY by Kirshenbaum will help you make a decision. Good luck.

Thanks for book tip. Weekends seem to be the worst part of our week and always involves fights, criticism, him walking off and leaving us in places and just stress. During the week we rub along fine. I was looking at another thread and alot of it that how hard it is having small children and working on a marriage resonated with me. I am going to try and change my mindset and see how we can make this work and put all my efforts into that and if that fails then look at what we can do next.