How can I be 35 and my father still has the power to wind me up and control my emotions?

[dottytablecloth]

I see him about once every two or three months.

Have a very strained relationship with him, we've nothing to chat about really.

He was a controlling, vile bully when I was a child. Db and I weren't allowed any interests or hobbies but he was. That's a very minor example but everything about him was selfish. He would send db and I out to pick up litter after school rather than let us socialise or see friends. Everything was about control and demeaning us. Have a million other examples but don't want to drag them up.

Even recently he told me I was nothing and had achieved nothing. I've my win house, car, professional job, am nothing amazing but wouldn't exactly say I was nothing either.

Every single time I see him, he winds me up.

Even as an adult I can't shake him off or let it roll off me.

I always react.

How do I reconcile myself that he won't change and not allow him to control me?

Oh I know, I know, I know how you feel.

Get Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It's enlightening.

Look hard at yourself, becuase the only person who can change this situation is you. Your father is unlikely to change. Emotional detachment is the only way to handle him and that takes some work.

First off why do you keep contact with him? What is it you want from him? I'd bet it's approval, love, pride. The things anyone wants, a loving parent. I think you have to mourn the loss of that idea and separate the man you see from the father you wish you had. the longing is for the loving father, but the reality is very unpleasant.

Some people find therapy useful if you can find a skilled therapist.

How woudl you feel about going low contact or no contact? Start out by maybe seeing him every 4 - 5 months, then 6 months, spread it out.

Do you have a partner or close trusted (and maybe patient :) ) friend you can talk about this to? That really helps.

Also, if you can manage to step back you can take a long neutral look at him as he is; what he's getting out of putting you down. It's a nasty trick, and usually done by nasty people. The person he is is not quite the Daddy you want. Seeing him as a stranger can help.

In the long term if you keep contact, actually laughing at him can help. Probably not out loud :) but if you can predict his mean comments and then tick them off "oh there we go!" and chuckle to yourself it can help.

also, what would happen if you challenged him?

He winds you up because you let him.
You need to stand back and breath quietly when he says stuff. Even close your eyes. Think of you, how your body is at that moment. When he has finished saying what he has to say , open your eyes look directly at him and say. ' sorry I didn't catch that, I was thinking about something important - me'.
Then smile and say ' are you happy, I mean truly happy'. Then say nothing, sit in silence and wait. He will burble on and then stop waiting for your reply. Say nothing. Give him eye contact but say nothing. Humans don't do silence it's too powerful. It's stronger than words. Then go home after saying nothing. You will then feel stronger than you have ever felt in his presence. .

Me too op.

I am a 35 year old mother of two (one a teen) and I turn into a 12 year old around my father. He was like yours. Now he plays the doddering old man card..

Sorry I've no advice, but I'm in the same boat.

Why do you allow him to be in your life?

My step father was similar to what you're describing - he's no longer in my life. I went no contact - not for how he treated me but other reasons related to my childhood - long story but he blamed me and didn't support me when I needed him.
It's great! I don't have to listen to the put downs or wind ups any more. My stomach no longer churns like it did when I knew I would see him.
Something to think about OP and yes read the book mentioned above.

I was 35 when I just stopped contact with my dad. Didn't announce it. Just withdrew. It was years before he even realized. I was just tired of ending up in the fetal position after every interaction with him. He tried to contact me since (I'm 50) but I don't reply, don't respond, don't read anything he sends me, don't engage, don't offer any explanation to family who still talks to him. I should have done it sooner. I have never not for one moment missed him. Maybe you should stop torturing yourself as well.

I find silence works well too. This summer I changed the way I interact with my father. Instead of rising to his baiting and goading I used silence. If he said something mean, I just stopped and looked at him. Once he even said 'oh, right'.

He still wound me up but we didn't have any blazing rows where he told he how shit I am because I didn't let him start them.

He has said some pretty shit stuff over the years but this visit (I live overseas) the things he said were such utter rubbish it was actually quite freeing. They were not ever remotely plausible so it has helped me discount a lot of the shite he has said in the past too.

So I guess what I'm saying is you can manage your fathers behaviour.

I agree with others. Try just not reacting, or say oh really, or ok then I'm going now. You will be amazed at the result. So liberating. I never advocate non contact because it is healthy to see people as they really are once you have detached,makes you feel stronger and enables a kind of revenge as well.

Why do you even see this awful man? What does he bring to your life? I'm shocked by the childhood you describe. ??

Do you have to see him?

Not allowing you a social life in favour of picking up litter is not minor.

I don't see my Dad often as we live in different countries, but this thread is of interest as I have similar issues. I'd like to try the 'silence' approach, but I wonder if then he'd know he was annoying me, which I think is his intention. I really want to know how to handle him when he demeans how I looked or behaved in the past, or things that happened.

He was a controlling vile bully when you were a child and he is still the same now.

Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

You go back and keep doing so perhaps because a very small part of you still thinks that he will say sorry to you and properly apologise for all the rubbish he has put your through. You probably also on some level still want his approval. Toxic people like your dad though never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

One thing you need now is boundaries with regards to him; these seem non existent so these need to be put in place as of now. You do not have to see him every 2-3 months.

It is NOT your fault your dad is like this, his own family of origin are responsible.

It is also not your task now to handle him and give him power by you seeing him every couple of months. He has done more than enough damage to you.

Also if you have children they should not see this man at all either.

BTW if you have siblings do they see him at all?.

So interesting to read the replies as I often think the problem must be mine.

It's definitely true that I do still want his approval. He never ever has told me anything positive about myself, that he is proud of me.

I do have to make an effort to see him though because if I didn't I would never see my mother, whom I love dearly. I don't know how she puts up with him.

His relationship with my child is very bizarre; it's a total contrast to how he was as a father. He placates my son and let's him do anything, always carrying him around, taking him outside, horseplay, making him laugh. There are NO boundaries with him at all in terms of behaviour. It makes me feel he's either making up for something that he did wrong with my brother and I when we were children or he just didn't like us very much.

To give a further example of what he's like, he was supposed to be going on holiday with my mum for a very significant birthday, got my mum to price and arrange it and then just out of the blue said he wasn't going. It's a control thing,she was so looking forward to it but now won't be going.

This is very similar to how he was as when we were children, he would like us to beg for things we wanted.

He was a deeply religious man when when we were children, I'll say religious not Christian as there's not a Christian bone in his body. V v strict sets of rules for my brother and I to comfy with but I never saw any restrictions on his life.

No its not you Dotty, its them

You're still looking for that mirage to appear re your dad, that's why you keep going back. It just reinforces your own view that you are not good enough, well he is not good enough for you frankly and the two of them do not deserve to have you in their lives. He will never give you his approval because he was simply not built that way, it is NOT your fault he is the way he is. His own family of origin did that to him, I have no doubts at all that his own childhood was itself abusive.

I would not let your mother off the hook here because she has stayed with this man for her own reasons. She has completely failed to protect you from your dad and stayed with him through choice and or fear of him. She's the bystander in all this overall familial dysfunction. I presume her H "disallows" her from seeing you and your child on her own, he is likely to be that controlling. You do realise that his controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

I presume you only allowed a relationship between your son and they because of societal convention and the (forlorn) hope that this time your dad was going to behave better with regards to his grandson.

Your son's relationship with his grandfather is not at all healthy either is it?. If your dad is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with its infact the same deal for him as well. He seems young as well and can be manipulated easier. Toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents and your son is being shown a really damaging role model by his grandparents.

Both you and your son really do need to stay completely away from these two people as of now.

Does your brother have anything to do with his parents these days?.

I'm so glad of people taking the time to reply and share their thoughts.

atilla my brother lives very close to our parents and he is still very much controlled (financially) by my dad. Basically my dad wiped his mortgage and now expects my brothers eternal gratitude. I have received no such financial help but he does 'throw' (literally) money at me every time I see him. I'm not remotely grateful for it (I know that sounds bad) but I just look at it that he was such a poor father I should just take it. Maybe I need to stop this?

I have properly fallen out with him once when I left his house and told him what I thought of him. After a day he phoned crying and apologising. Since that he's been worse than ever.

He sounds lovely . I know what I would tell someone else to do, stay away but it's hard to do when it's me.

I'm going to order the toxic parents book, thanks for the recommendation.

I like the idea of emotional detachment and imagining I'm shielded from him.

The only thing with my father is the if you don't react, he keeps on and on and on until he breaks you.

dotty, your father was a horrible bully to you as a child, and your mother stood back and let it happen.

DH's parents are similar, but it's MIL who is the nasty bully, and FIL who is it ineffectual bystander. It's only recently that DH has come to see that. Effectively, he used DH as a human shield. When she was bullying DH, she wasn't bullying FIL.

Oh, and don't take that money - the interest rate is too high!

dotty if he starts going on and on and on, get up and leave.

The power dynamic here is all wrong. he's your father but you're both adults. He's kept you a child by putting you down and not allowing you to be your own person. I think he probalby knows what he's doing and is actually quite nasty, playing on your love for him to keep getting at you.

Or as someone said a while back "half your life is all your parents are entitled to in thanks for giving you life, and that the best part. After that you're free". I don't think they are entitled to half even, but you get the point.

And no, dont take his money. It's not about the money, it's about the power.

I do understand what people are saying about my mother but she really is terrified of him. She is so quiet and withdrawn around him, he's totally stolen her personality over the years.

She said to me just that week that she is so very sad that she has wasted her life with him, it's heartbreaking.

My dh is amazing and I was saying to him just this weekend that I have no happy memories of my childhood, there's not a single occasion that I can remember a happy family time, ever.

I'm now pregnant and expecting a dd in November. My dh is everything my df is not and he will be an amazing role model for our dd.

Is it wrong to feel such dislike for another human?

I think recognising where his conversations are going might help, so if you say something and he disagrees, predict where it is going to go so you can see it for what it is when it comes. Look at it as though you are watching a film or a play. Recognise the patterns in the conversation that are leading you to that fall. If he asks questions just say you don't know. Smile at him to throw him off tack.

It might just be easier not to see him at all though.

No, it's not wrong to feel such dislike. Some people really are dislikeable and bullies fit right into that category.

Switch-on-able charm doesn't cover up a fundamentally bullying character forever.

No, it is not wrong at all to feel such dislike for another human.

Money given by your dad is never without obligation as your brother has discovered. He is still being controlled by his dad.

I cannot feel very sorry for your mother because she has stayed for her own reasons. Her own children were scarred and remain so by her living with such an abusive man.

Never accept any money from your dad. Quite apart from the power and obligation aspects expected from such "gifts", he is trying to buy you off.

Keep yourself and your children well away from your parents. Honestly they are doing you no favours at all by being anywhere near either of them.

My mother is like this so I walked away from it Difficult but peaceful