Relationship advise

[Bob1975]

A bit of background I got divorced a couple of years ago due to my ex wife having an affair, she suffered during our 15 years with anxiety and depression and I supported her through it and found it a very difficult time.

After the divorce I felt a great amount of relief not having to deal with the daily challenges that the illness brings and I am not playing it down it is real and very difficult to live with.

Now two years on I have met a lovely lady and we have been seeing each other for about eight months I really like her and the time we spend together, but she is showing signs of the same sort of anxiety with work and family relationships , I feel like I am sleepwalking into a similar situation as I had with my marriage and really worried about what to do about it.

If I carry on I don't want to be constantly having to reassure some one, if I finish it will it make things worse for her, I feel like I am being selfish and thinking only about myself....

Bob

1. You are allowed to put yourself first. If you feel you don't want to live through someones depression/anxiety again you can choose to walk away, no one would blame you

1. She may not be heading for the same anxieties as your ex, you may just be hyper vigilant and sensitive to more every day anxieties.

You need to talk it through with her or (equally viable and allowable) just call the end to your relationship. How she reacts is her issue, not yours. You absolutely should be thinking about yourself first and foremost. That is not selfish.

Thanks for that nomama , she knows about my past with the ex and I think she pretends things are fine when I am around her , but I get texts about how she feels 'weepy and cannot snap out of how she feels' I have seen this before and it's not a matter of snapping out of it ...

What do you want to do?

Not what do you think she needs you to do?

As I don't know either of you I would say move on. You don't need / have to support someone again and it is better done soonest rather than later.

To be really honest, if she sends you texts like that knowing about your ex then maybe, just maybe, she is going to be far too weepy/needy for you. It sounds manipulative.

Do what is best for you.

Is it possible that you are attractive to certain types of women because you are caring and supportive?

From personal experience of a friend, I know they married someone with depression ( 2nd marriage) and it did not end happily. In fact the scenario was pretty much like yours.

I suspect that your new girlfriend hides her depression as she knows about your ex, and knows for you it could be a deal breaker.

There is nothing wrong in walking away. Living with someone with depression is not easy and once bitten, and all that.

Do what you head tells you and don't feel you have to carry on a relationship if it's not right for you.

The other thing is, you are responsible for her happiness ( or sadness.)
she's an adult woman. Anyone getting into a relationship knows that at any time - after 8 months, 8 years or 40 years, someone might change their mind. You haven't tied the knot or agreed to make this permanent.

whoops- not responsible....

Hi Bob - this is what dating is for. You get to know the other person and determine if you want to keep going with the relationship or end it.

This woman is not what you are wanting based on based experience, yet you keep going. I don't understand. This is a Red Flag. A warning. A sign of things to come.

This is the purpose of dating.

Thanks for all the replies , you are all correct I feel like the red flags are waving. I know what I need to do and dont want to wander into something I will regret later..

Well we have had the chat tonight , and I feel absolutely awful and sorry for her but it think in the long run it will be for the best....that's the end of dating for quite a while

Ooh! Be kind to yourself. Regroup. Be just you for a while. Or shag like a singleton, up to you

Thanks for the advise Nomama think I will regroup for now ...

You must not stay because you feel responsible for her. That is not your place or job in life. Has she done anything about how she feels? Is she seeing her G.P to get some help. If not then that means that she is expecting you to help her but she is not prepared to help herself.
It's early days in your relationship so it shouldn't be too painful to leave.
Please, do what's best for yourself. We only get one life and it's a shame to spend more of your precious life living under the shadow of a partners anxiety and depression.

Yes she has seen the doctor and is signed off work, it's all very sad because she is a lovely person but I don't want to end up down the road stuck in a bad relationship and finding it harder to leave. I do really hope she gets sorted depression and anxiety is a terrible illness to live with.

You've done the right thing for the right reasons. It's a good thing to be caring and sensitive but you're never responsible for someone else's neuroses. Hope you don't completely quit dating, however. Just look for someone who is more stable and together rather than another 'injured sparrow'.

Yes you have done the right thing. 8 months is not a lengthy relationship and anyone has to be prepared for things not to work out when dating.

It could well be pure coincidence that this now ex and your ex wife had depression but at the same time ask yourself if you are attracted to needy, vulnerable women or those women to you, for any reason.

I dont know if I attract or am attracted to this type I dont think I am, she didn't seem like this st first which was a big plus point for me. I have woken up to 3 very large messages about not seeing it coming and pleading to carry on and she will be less stressed , but I am sticking to my guns ....

Most people are on best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship. So you have to give it some time before you see the 'real them' (and vice versa of course). If you don't like what you see there's not much point carrying on. Delaying the end only makes it tougher for all concerned. As would responding to the messages with anything other than. 'It wasn't working for me, sorry'.

Cog thats what I have said and have had a few 'i must be a horrible person' etc thrown back which just confirms my reasons for ending it ....

If you've replied politely and she's still messaging you, better to drop all contact. If you drop contact and she carries on, tell her in plain terms to stop. She's entitled to be hurt or annoyed but she's not entitled to harass you.

Thanks cog your advise on here is fantastic, you helped me massively under a different name ...thanks again

she's really trying emotional blackmail with the 'I must be a horrible person' because she's asking you to refute that.
Don't.

Unfortunately some people show their true colours during a break-up. Which may actually confirm for you that you have made the right decision.

A dignified response would have been ' I'm sorry to lose you but thanks for the good times, wishing you well...'

or something like that.

Don't get drawn into text exchanges as it will only give her hope that she can wear you down.

Stay here and draw some of the comfort and kindness of strangers, bob.

Unfortunately you did indeed recognise the signals and have acted to protect yourself. Keep on doing that.

As others have said, you can cease all contact now. You really don't owe her anything, let alone more of your emotions.

If I may -- [a big unMNsy e-hug]

Haha thanks nomama , I have had a couple of emotional texts and a can we meet face to face to sort it out, which I have said no to.

I am feeling guilty after being the one to end it but ready to move on and stay single for a while ...had a great day out with my dd today so all is good

Thanks

Bob