I have really fucked my life up. Trigger warning.

[Ihavereallyfuckedup]

I am a regular particularly to this section however I have name changed for this and will be changing some details so I don't out myself.

I have bipolar 1. I was horrifically sexually abused aged 8-9 I blocked most of it out but the memories re surfaced earlier this year. At 13 I entered into a abusive relationship he would stab cigarettes out on my vagina and regularly beat me.

At 15 he raped me resulting in pg.
Since my first boyfriend I have not let people in properly out of fear they will use it to hurt me.

I had a manic episode last April to August. Then a depressive episode from August to april. I had a friend who was grieving the loss of his mother and in a abusive relationship.

As I went manic I was going out every night and coming home late. One night my husband pushed me up against the wall and punched the wall behind me leaving a hole there. I fled to my friends house. When I got there he was on the phone to his girlfriend. He put it on loud speaker and I heard her say if he broke up with her she would say he sexually abused the children. He started crying begging her to just let him go.

She got off the phone and we ended up comforting each other and ended up sleeping together.

I don't know how but for some reason I have let him in when I can't let anyone else in.

We stopped sleeping together in December.

However recently I went manic and it has started up again.

I feel so trapped and confused. I cannot leave dh and I feel immense guilt. I know what I have to do it's just very hard. I have to lose a friendship I have had since I was 2. I am currently psychotically depressed. I don't know why I'm writing this really. I just wanted to get my thoughts down. The problem is I love both men.

Of course I am going to tell my husband what I have done.

Why do you have to tell him now?

My own feeling is that you should be receiving qualified help for this episode before you even think of sharing what's happened. Then, perhaps you could realise that you don't actually love both men, but have feelings for both which aren't necessarily the same but that you have responded to them as if they were.

You need help to get your mania under control, first and foremost.

When you are feeling well again, you can face things with your husband.

Who is in charge of your bipolar treatment?

I think it's important to put yourself first right now. Once you have this episode under control you can deal with everything else but whilst you're depressed (or manic for that matter) you shouldn't be making any big decisions.
Are you under the care of a psychiatrist? Do you have a crisis plan in place?

Get help first and do not tell your husband who has already behaved very aggressively towards you.
Getting help for yourself first is of utmost importance before you are in a place to deal with any of this.

What Bitterandonlyslightly says... Plus you don't have to lose your childhood friendship unless it is going to be good for you.

It sounds as though you are going through a kind of loss, you are having to lose these relationships with people because they are not what they were when you started them

Not wanting to dismiss bipolar at all, but you should forgive yourself when relationships change, it happens. Sometimes we get past it, sometimes we don't. Be kind to yourself

Is the friend you had since you were 2 the man you are sleeping with?

I think you have to put yourself before your relationship with either man. If you're currently psychotically depressed, any decisions you make (such as telling your husband) will be through the fog of that depression. Are you in a position to know whether you'd make those same decisions when you're feeling stable?

I have a psychiatrist I am due to see this month. At this moment in time I am on a mixed episode.

Yes it is the friend i have had sice two who I am having a affair with.

I have a care plan but don't remember what it says.

I do take my meds though.

At the moment I am depressed but later on I'll be manic.

Mixed episodes are horrid
Do you have a copy if your care plan? You should do but not everyone seems to have one. It should have a crisis plan on there.
Can you phone your psychiatrist on Monday and get your appointment moved forward?
Have you had any contact with the crisis team? They can provide out of hours support if you need some on this weekend. The other alternative is A&E but I know from experience that's not always helpful.

Tbh I have lost faith in the mental health system I went there having been on my third suicide attempt and they got crisis and I was discharged virtually straight away once they ascertained physical health was ok

That's terrible but you still deserve support and you will only get that if you see someone. I don't know much about this but I'm sure you will pull through it and find stability one day.

Remember the medics have seen similar cases to yours before, they do know their stuff and in the end you probably be safer to hand over to them for a while.

You can access the emergency GP, sometimes they can be a pleasant surprise, usually a nice quiet waiting room too. Better than A&E.

How long have you been under the care of that particular psychiatrist?
And how long have you been on your current combination of meds?

When you see your psych you need to tell him/her that you are cycling between episodes constantly with no periods of mood stability between them. Unless you have just started new meds and are currently titrating up to therapeutic dose, your treatment needs to be changed because it is not working.

I was stable on olanzapine previously then they switched it to arirpiprazole cus of weight gain and new paychiatrist refused to switch for a year. So I got in touch with old psychiatrist through crisis who changed my meds back to olanzapine so Im still waiting to stabilise.

I recognise you. All I can suggest is that you contact your psychiatric support.

That's 'I recognise you from your posts' not in real life. Don't worry!

Ok thanks for specifying was a bit paranoid there.

Dh going mental now because I bought a bottle of Malibu between me and my sister, and because I tried to play a video game apperently I'm not allowed to do that alone

Why is that, OP?

Are you meant to be avoiding alcohol on the meds you're on?

What will happen if you play a video game without him?

I have seen your many many many threads and posts. You dont seem to be taking any responsibility for your illness. You seem to use it as an excuse for being able to behave as you would like while your husband tries to hold it together at home and cope with the children. You really need to stop seeing your husband as the enemy and see that he is at his wits end I would think.

I would gladly exchange my illness for a normal life and behave.