Saying 'I love you' first

[Kittykat7]

Advice needed for a friend. She has been seeing a guy for a while & things are going great. She has one DS. She has had a few bad relationships & seems to go for the wrong type & ends up getting hurt.
She is trying to play it cool, not coming across needy if he doesn't text. She can't see him that often as he doesn't live near. He also has 4 year twins from a previous relationship. She wants to know should the guy say 'I love you' first or should she say it first or will it ruin things? She feels he could be 'the one'. She has met him online. Are there any 'rules' with dating these days? I have been married for 22 years so I haven't got a clue on how things are now.

Imho, do not be the first to say it...That way lies a broken heart. With that said, I also would not want to hear it from a bf for quite a while...long enough for each to know the other authentically (meaning in person). For me, this a year minimum, and certainly at least through one Christmas holiday cycle (and perhaps how he deals with the heat of Summer as well). This is to avoid being beaten manipulated with the words when, if, the relationship should need to end.

Be very wary if the relationship is being conducted online. She could be talking to a scam artist from Nigeria.

Disclaimer also; my 25th anniversary nears. I operated on the first paragraph. The second paragraph was from a thread here some time ago about online relationships with members of the armed services...But could still be rescripted without the military component. The key is a request for money. (Always say "no".)

I think the guy should say it first.

I have never said it first, but then am not a very demonstrative person.
I think it's very easy to tell if someone is in love with you and you them. Actions speak louder than words, cliche but true.

There seems to be lots of advice out there on the internet about "how to play" the dating game. Of course if you take this advice you then analyse your moves as though it were a game, with winners and losers, you use your best strategy to ensure the outcome you want. This is at best manipulative and at worst counter productive because the advice for both men and women is often the same. So everyone is using the same strategy!! Its all bollocks.
Say what you are thinking and always be honest and authentic. If the receiver of the sentiment goes on to act like an entitled and arrogant arse be aware that these character flaws would have come to the fore eventually who ever uttered the words first.

Ive always waited on the guy first

Your friend should be herself and go with her gut rather than being hamstrung by some unwritten rule book on who says what to whom and when. If she's a naturally demonstrative and expressive person and 'I love you' feels like the right thing to say ... she should say it. If he doesn't say it back... so what? If he runs for the hills.... so what? If she's not demonstrative or expressive and if 'I love you' has some huge, heavy, no-going-back, 'I want to have your babies' meaning for her then she should keep schtum.

I said it first, but a few months after he had initiated a conversation on wanting us to be serious and see if the relationship could develope into something more serious. If it's how you feel I don't see the point in hiding it.

Thanks for all your replies. I will let her know.

It doesn't really sound like a very established relationship at all. How long has she been seeing him? Does the relationship seem to be 'real' and going somewhere - like meeting each other's friends, having had discussions about the future etc. I ask because of your comments about not seeing him often and her having to pretend to be 'cool' when she doesn't hear from him. From what you've said here, I'd advise a lot of caution if it were my friend.

If it's a bone fide serious relationship, I don't see that it matters who says it first. In my experience, it becomes obvious that both of you are skirting around, but edging closer to saying it at the same time. Is she getting that vibe from him? Are things getting obviously more serious?

Thanks MsAnthtopic. They have been seeing each other for a few months so still early days. I don't think it has reached the real serious stage as at the moment they have seen each other without any of the DC's involved. They haven't met each other's friends or families yet. She is just scared of being hurt or picking the wrong guy again. I think that she said not say anything yet & just wait & see how the relationship pans out.

She has had a few bad relationships & seems to go for the wrong type & ends up getting hurt.
This, combined with everything else you've said, sets big alarm bells ringing.

She sounds vulnerable if she's thinking he's "the one" and wondering about whether she should say "I love you" first under all of these circumstances; when essentially this is just some guy she met online and from the sounds of it, she hardly knows. Does she even know whether he's single?

You sound like a good friend though. I very much suspect she's going to need looking after at some point with this one.

Has she been introduced to his friends or his family yet?

Not sure why it matters how long for or even if you have met their aunt's pet rabbit, what matters is that people don't rationalise...this leads to playing games and over thinking. Say what you feel, be confident, be yourself. Saying I love you doesn't have to be a complete game changer, just as Cog says, unless she is saying it because she is fast forward planning an army of sprogs and a joint pension, it is just a sentiment. It can last a life time of be something you genuinely feel at that time and feels right. Too many people over analyse.