If you want a tidy home & DH doesn't

[RunOutOfNamesAgain]

should you have to do it all yourself?

Standard cleanliness should be the responsibility of both, bugbear things, like towels sorted a particular way in the airing cupboard or tins lined up alphabetically should be the responsibility of the person that feels the need to have them that way...

Of course you shouldn't have to but if the untidy person is doing a fair share otherwise then, yes, maybe you do if it's that important to you.

In some circs it might be a case of swapping the tidying for something you'd rather he took responsibility for instead.

If he's not doing a fair share and is unwilling to take up the slack elsewhere then he's an arse.

You need to work out some sort of a compromise. Which might mean living in a slightly less pristine house than you would like, because (outside of reasonable cleanliness) it's not actually fair to expect someone to spend a lot of their time fannying around doing housework which is of no real benefit to them.
Also, tidiness isn't a moral virtue. Living with an overly tidy person can be just as grim as living with a slob. If the kids can't play with anything like paint or glue or felt tips because it might make a mark somewhere, and a partner can't put down a book or magazine, or leave a jigsaw part-finished overnight, without it all being tidied away instantly, then someone needs to unclench.

DH will put washing on and go shopping (mostly because he wants it done a certain way). He will say I will do ...... (insert job here) but doesn't do it. He says that I have higher standards and last time we spoke he response was 'ok I'll do it to your standard'. Of course he hasn't. done anything outside his shopping. All the practicalities fall to me. Today I lost it a bit as I feel like since I was made redundant in july, he has stopped doing anything. lucky me he loaded this dishwasher this week possibly even twice.

I get he works hard and I fully accept that I will be doing a lot more as I'm at home more. I just don't get what happened over the summer. We were a great team at home. He now sits his arse down and does very little. I know he's tired from long days and I have always been kind in that area but the less he does the more tired I get but there is no let up for me. I should tell him when it gets too much was his response. DMIL hasn't helped as I get the well aren't you grateful your at home with DC and he works so very hard. Yes I am but when did my helpful DH suddenly become so reluctant He won't do jobs that he think unnecessary, weeding- they just grow back. Tidying rooms- you clean round it apparently bathroom has been promised for weeks. the garden was promised and after two weeks I gave up and did it. I don't nag him either.

Today's pearl of wisdom was, Now.im hom.more.i see the mess and am impatient to get it dome. When he comes home at the weekend he thinks I'll do a job but it's already been done. so now he wants me to tell what I want doing on a weekend and then he will do it. He can't see what needs doing because he doesn't think any of it needs doing.

How old are your kids and how many of them are there?

I should point out this is the difference between a clean and tidy home (very far from pristine with 2DC) its definitely a lived in house. As opposed to mouldy, smelly, dirty, unclean and unkept student dump. The orange stuff on tiles is just limescale, whats wrong with that? The black isn't mould, so what you worried about. stuff left everywhere on floor. That's the kind of stuff that he thinks is daft to clean. I definitely haven't got show home standards but like to see a surface or at least some of it.

Some details are needed.

How many dc and how old. How long is your dh's working day including his commute?

DC 2&4. DH does almost 12 hour days, from leaving the house to returning.

before I get a flaming for not appreciating those house....I do and I try to make it so that he gets in to a cooked dinner tidyied up kitchen and kids fed. He doesn't have to jump on the hoover or even do jobs on an evening. But if he passes something that needs putting away take it with him. EOW we have step DC'S and the mess all.created was horrendous. I put my foot down about that but this wknd it's chaos again, crap everywhere .

Is it unreasonable of me to expect home to share a percentage of the boring house stuff on wknds?

I can sort of relate to both of you. I am a SAHM to 3 DC, but dh is the tidy one. I am naturally not tidy or organised though I like it when the house is tidy and organised! He leaves the house at 8am and comes in at 7pm. He does all the washing up, dishwasher loading etc. but doesn't do any shopping, cooking, washing and v little gardening (garden is a bit of state!). He does tidy a bit. I have just started doing some work from home so that I can pay for a cleaner because I hate it. There is NO WAY he would clean the bathroom.

I think you are expecting a lot from your dh. I prefer dh to spend the time he has at home with the kids, or doing stuff with them. At the most 30 min per day on house stuff - but it is him who is keen on the house stuff. If he wasn't bothered about the house, I wouldn't expect him to do those 30 min and the kitchen would probably be hideous but I would do it when I had to.

P.S I think i t is easier to have a defined role eg. you always do the food shopping and clean toilets twice a week and I do the rest. As a working man, you can't expect that he also does a whole lot of housework.

"so now he wants me to tell what I want doing on a weekend and then he will do it."

In which case, if you want him to do stuff on the weekends, that's what you have to do if it's that important to you.

It's absolutely true that some people (often men but not always) are completely oblivious if there's no obvious filth and squalor, or they see it and just don't care. If they don't care you can't make them. All you can do is schedule their jobs in and ask for them to be done. But like the gardening, it may not get done and you'll do it yourself. It's at that point when you consider that you just "don't have time" to cook meals for them or do their laundry.

There's a difference between "not doing things to my standard" (which is higher than average) and "not doing very much at all". The latter is unacceptable.

Do you think your DP would annoy most people with his lack of tidying? If so...he's not doing his share- it's him not you.

On weekends we sometimes say, Ok we're going to blitz the living room and we do it together (with the kids, but they are slightly older!). Otherwise, I think weekends are mostly to enjoy. In terms of tidying after himself, this is what drives dh MAD about me. Mostly I just don't see or notice the stuff I leave (kitchen cupboard open, cup in the sitting room, pyjamas on bathroom floor). I am not ignoring it on purpose, I just don't see it until I am focussed on 'doing' that room.

merry I wish DH would do.stuff with DC. When he gets home he eats and sits down on phone. We share bedtime routine and then he goes back to the phone. On a weekend if I don't push us to get out, they all sit on various gadgets or watch films so he can sit on his phone. Brief pauses to do some washing occasionally. Although since being at home I took over all that so he doesn't have (and we have clean clothes during he week ) He now says that jobs don't get done because we're out on a weekend.

dirtybadger yes it would annoy or even put people off visiting if he was left to descide the standard.

I'm not even bothered about cups left put etc, those things I can move and do for him. Next week I start working part time again but from home. I just don't have time to do it all and work. What jobs are reasonable to ask of him then? Also do I have to accept his standard of doing it slap dash and bite my lip instead of him not doing anything?

Right so basically he's a lazy git. He's devolved all responsibility for house and children on to you. All this 'tell me what to do' shit is still placing you as being responsible and him as helper. He should know what needs doing. And of course if you forget to tell him something or don't have time to do that then it's no wonder he can't do it . It's truly amazing how you know what needs doing isn't it?

You haven't got too high a standard in cleaning but even if you did he is still using it as an excuse to do nothing. Which isn't on.

And as for him working 12 hr days it seems that you are working longer than that 7 days a week.

So what do you want to do about it? Is he open to a conversation about the unfairness? Do you think he is willing to pull his weight? What happens if nothing changes? Where is you line in the sand?

Yeah that about covers it. Unless of course something he wants to do pops up an low and behold he's on it, say a noise on his car and he's out there tinkering for hours .

Ok so after considering all the advice the plan of action is this....
-We sit down and write out jobs that we deem basic cleanliness/ tidying. (I know it will be me but hey ho...)

• We choose what jobs are fair for him to do or contribute to the running of the household, on a weekend or when he feels is best each week.

-I show him what I will do, basically the rest. (including jobs that are things I want doing as opposed to being necessary).

We put the list on the fridge as a reminder, simply because I refuse to be his mother. I'd lose respect for him if I'm chasing him to do stuff all the time and checking up on him. to me thats not a relationship I want to be in.

As for where do I draw the line...that would be me doing it all again and getting exhausted whilst having to understand his tiredness.

He's take DC out to his DM whilst I popped out. The house is a bomb site. However I couldn't care less because I can't remember the last time I had a break so I'm sitting down and watching tv.

I do think you need to draw the line more strictly. Or you'll be in an endless cycle of him letting it slip and you doing it all, then a chat and mild improvements, then slip up again.
If he's not good at day to day stuff, then doing a blitz might work. But there can't be any excuses.

I don't really hold with him doing much housework because he's a working man. How do you think single working parents manage. Fitting it in just needs little and often routines. The thing that would work for me in your situation would be to have the children looked after for one weekend then absolutely blitz your house with your dh. Make sure there is a place for everything. Then if your children play with stuff make sure that they stick to the rule that one set of toys gets put away before another set comes out. Dishes and cups etc go straight in the dishwasher. Dirty clothes go in washing baskets not the floor.

My ex was extremely messy, bordering on hoarding. Every surface was covered. I never cracked it with him. I'm not the tidiest of people but my house is pristine compared to how I used to live. It is really depressing. You need to be ruthless. Be prepared to bin bag up stuff if it's not yours and not put away.

I am a lazy cow in terms of housework. I am more than capable of (for example) cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, putting a wash on. However, my husband would (for example) put new hand-towels in the bathroom, wipe the sides and cooker, check all rooms for random dishes to wash up or clothes that weren't in the washing basket; I simply don't see those sorts of things. Right now it isn't too bad as we are both at home but he starts a new job soon and when he does I will write lists as it is the only way I will know to do things. Yes it sounds like an incredibly child like thing to do but I know it works.