Do I still exist?

[Tex111]

This is probably a very common problem and I would welcome any advice. I think I really just need to vent as I've cried myself out this morning. Basically, DH's job is very time consuming. He travels regularly and always for long-haul trips which means at least a week away. I can cope with this for the most part though we have no family nearby to help out when he's away and I can get pushed to my limits if he has more than one trip in a month.

When he is home he's often tired or distracted except when he's playing with our little boy. Once the baby goes to bed DH is less communicative and usually starts getting sleepy. I don't think he's having an affair. He's just wrapped up in his job and the baby and it seems I don't get a look-in these days. I'm feeling like the nanny and housekeeper and that's about it.

He does tell me he loves me and he compliments me on my looks and says that he thinks I'm a wonderful mother but he just isn't 'there' for me anymore (if that makes sense). When I try to have a real conversation with him he looks distracted or bored or makes an excuse to get up like going to the loo or making a cup of tea. Then the moment just passes. It seems my needs aren't respected either. For instance, I have my driving test in a few weeks and he's scheduled trips during that time. I can ask a friend to look after our little boy but it just makes the whole process more of an ordeal for me. This is my third test and I rescheduled the last one because of one of his trips.

We were married for ten years before we had a baby and we were best friends. Our sex life has never been great but we were happy and had a lot of fun together. Maybe I'm just missing him or feeling sorry for myself. I really don't know. I just know that I feel invisible so much of the time and that he could hire a nanny and housekeeper and be quite happy without me. When I've tried to talk to him about this he says that I'm putting pressure on him and he's already too stressed out with work and trying to balance home life. I do think he's doing a good job as far as our little boy is concerned but he has no idea about the rest of the household, which drives me crazy. When I went away with the baby for a few days I had to leave notes on how to use the washing machine, set the burglar alarm, etc, etc. I'm not happy and I just don't know what to do.

Am I just being a whining cow? What can I do to change my life so that I need less from him, but if I do that will we just drift further apart?

Oh dear, I am sure you are not alone (look at Janstars recent thread, Help for DH I think) infeeling this, but it does sound very exhausting and lonely. It sounds as if you have both got into a rut with your respective areas of responsibility, and are not helping each other as you have contradictory needs. He is probably worn out talking and communicating, and just craves rest and silence, while you are dying for some stimulating adult conversation.
Is there a time you could sit down and have a relaxed constructive discussion about what has happened, and prioritise your lives together? Your driving test does sound like a priority, as that must be adding to your sense of being trapped. But it doesn't sound as if he is enjoying his quality of life much either, so by tackling it as something which is of benefit to you both, you will be avoiding any sense of putting pressure on him,

No, you are not being a whining cow, at all, and he has got himself into quite a selfish rut - but it might help to seek some stimulting life outside your marriage, as a first step to improving your own life so that you can support him to take a more active role in his home life.

If you can't get him to sit down and talk to you - how about printing out your post and giving him it to read - maybe he will realise that you have a problem. That might trigger a proper conversation where you can both talk about what is happening in your lives at the moment.

Thank you Blu. I read the Janstars thread and it is a very similiar situation. DH works in the City too and is worried about our finances and retirement, which is his reason for working so much. I do think my loneliness is an issue as well. We've moved 5 times in the last 4 years so it's been difficult to develop a support network. I do have friends but they all seem to be having new babies and are very busy. The last thing I want to do is burden them with my problems.

It's really helped a great deal just to write this all down and post it. Throckenholt, I haven't sent DH my post but I rang him at lunchtime with my post open in front of me. It helped to focus what I wanted to say. We had a good chat and agreed that we both want the same thing and we're both missing each other. He said that he felt similiar to me in that he was like the labourer and he hated that he knew so little about the running of his own home. We're going to sit down over Easter and talk it all over. He even mentioned the possibility of flexi-time! That would be a huge wonderful change and one that I hope we can make happen.

I know I also need to work on some things myself (the first being this bloody driving test!). Once I'm more mobile it will make a huge difference to my confidence and open a lot more opportunities to meet people.

Tex, that sounds like a REALLY good start. It's brilliant that he is able to acknowledge that he is feeling the same things in parallel: I am sure you will be able to sort things out as a couple: have a LOVELY holiday w/e.

And check out the MN meet-up threads - loads of brilliant real-llife friendships have been forged at meet-ups!

Tex111, I am in the same boat of feeling isolated - as I can't drive yet either, my test is 19 May and now with DS at nursery and me not working as I was made redundant and hubby at work all day and having Round Table on alternate Mondays and various other activities - it feels as if he has a life and friends and I have no one - that I truely did give up everything to move here to England. BUT if you talk it over with him, which it seems you are going to do - it will work out! Best of luck this weekend.

I think feeling isolated as a mum when dh/p has full life/friends through work. I know passing driving test did at least give me a feeling of independance and made a big difference. I don't know best way to meet new friends when not working and children are no longer babies. I have met lots of nice acquaintances through school stuff since moving but are very much daytime acquaintances rather than social friends.

Hello! Thanks for your words of encouragement. Yesterday afternoon I received some beautiful flowers with a card saying 'To start our weekend...'! I think we're both relieved to start this discussion and I'm feeling very positive.

That feeling of isolation is a real problem. I have met other Moms in our area but we haven't been here long enough to get very close. My two closest friends live miles away (one a 2.5 hour drive, the other in Texas) and they both have second new babies so they're very busy. I think the driving will make a huge difference. Fingers crossed!

Good luck with your test too YankieGirl! Once we've passed maybe we can drive somewhere and get together. Have you ever been to Bluewater? It's the largest shopping mall in Europe and it's fantastic!

Lucky you my DH never sends flowers!!

My best friend is in Boston and I really don't have any here that I can just call and talk to. It can be very lonely.

Good luck with your driving test! We could possibly meet up in London before we pass our tests - if you have access to a train line.

No I have never been to Bluewater? Where is it? I can't tell you how much I miss malls!!

We can get into London very easily. It's one of the reasons we moved here, so that DH would have a shorter commute. Do you go into London very often? I'd definitely be up for a get-together!

Bluewater isn't very far from us but I'm not sure about the town name. I think DH is seriously worried about our finances once I get my licence. I'll be out there all the time! It's a really good mall and very baby friendly. It's almost spooky the number of pregnant women and new babies you see there. It's a great place to check out strollers! A friend of ours got her double-stroller after she saw someone at Bluewater with it and asked them about it. They must have a website but I'm not sure what it is. I'm sure you could find it in a search engine.

In fact, Bluewater would be a great place for a big MN meet up one day. I'd be surprised if it hasn't already been done at least once.

I go into London a lot lately as I have been going for job interviews - so very commutable for me. I did work in London before maternity leave.

We will have to schedule something - I know there is a MN meeting on 7 May in London - can't remember where would need to check the thread to see.

I will definately check if Bluewater has a website. Once I get another job I will need to go shopping as my body has totally changed since DS was born.

They do have a site bluewater.co.uk. Wow - so many stores shopping heaven and to think I was going to go to the Bullring in Birmingham (only 1 1/2 train ride from where I live) and missed out on Bluewater! Now I can see why my DH never mentioned it!! OOH hope I get a job soon, so I camn enjoy my redundancy money and do some major SHOPPING!!

I'm so pleased he was willing to talk about it, Tex. Do have a lovely weekend together.

Tex111 Hope you and your DH had a lovely Easter weekend and the talking helped to work things out!

I read this thread at the time but didn't have a chance to respond to it. How did the weekend go? I'm also London based if you ever do make that trip to Blue Water or the centre of town ...

Hello, thanks so much for checking back. We had a lovely long weekend. We had a good talk about everything and it seems we've both been feeling the same thing - just from different sides of the fence IYSWIM. We did some work on the house, which has been a stress for both of us, and had some good alone time after DS went to bed. Feeling very positive now!