Can these two people ever have a healthy relationship?

[Woods4trees]

She had an emotionally abusive marriage and has had counselling but is still a little guarded and fearful of rejection but is very aware of this and swore when she got into her next relationship she'd be more open and honest.

He was cheated on by an ex who refused sex with him for several years. There are also a few childhood issues which have effected his self esteem. He still occasionally sees a counsellor as he finds it helps him with his confidence.

They have a lot in common and are massive foodies. Love the same
Music and books and talk for hours on all these subjects and in the last few weeks have had a few brilliant adventures.

They have both been honest about their situations and agreed they want to try not to fuck it up by having hang ups and see how it goes.

My question is, can these people have a healthy relationship or is the very fact they've attracted one another mean they are still co-dependant??

Based on what you have said here I'd say yes that could be a healthy relationship. The talking and being honest and aware of possible issues on both sides sounds very healthy to me.

Don't see why it can't work if they both want to move on. They need to be open and mutually supportive.

I don't understand why you think them being attracted to each other is a sign of codependence. They could in fact just be attracted to each other like people are.

I would say they had as good a chance of a healthy relationship as anyone else. Both are aware of their issues and they want an open and honest relationship. Good luck.

Thank you everybody, this is comforting.

sonjadog I suppose because I am very aware that emotionally unhealthy people tend to attract other emotionally unhealthy people. And also previously when I have dated I have always been very conscious not to "over share" but it always made me very guarded. This time I've been honest, so has he but in the back of my mind I remember reading something about codependent people over sharing too soon

I think the part they have got wrong already is to frame their relationship in terms of 'hang ups'. A person who is guarded or fearful of rejection as a result of a bad experience should not drop their guard simply in the interests of being open and honest, for example. Surviving an abusive relationship makes someone more wary for very good reasons. Ignoring feelings and suspicions can leave someone vulnerable to more hurt.

Similarly, the person with low confidence should not think this is a purely internal problem. I often see people talking about 'trust issues' when they are actually with someone untrustworthy. 'Confidence issues' can simply mean you're with a bully.... viz the cheating ex.... and again, they should not simply ignore their feelings in the interests of getting rid of 'hang ups'.

I don't know which one you are... the woman?... but I would not attempt to be anything other than myself. Also I would say be wary of other that deliberately present themselves as damaged goods & think carefully about their motives for doing so. Assess others by their actions and trust your judgement.

Thanks cog, yeah I am the woman. I have genuinely got a good feeling about this guy. My gut instinct has served me well in the last couple of years.

I honestly don't think he is taking me for a ride, although obviously
I will never assume that. Also we have mutual friends so I know a fair amount of his history and that he is well loved.

I don't see why you can't have a good relationship, presuming you have both been apart from the other people for a reasonable time and got to know yourself a bit better in that time.

My DP and I have been together 2 years and we are very different people with each other than we were with our previous spouses, mainly because he is not emotionally cold and distant like my ex was, and I am trustworthy and very loving to him, unlike his cheating and selfish ex (I've seen her in action, so this is not just his word against hers).

The type of person you are and thus the type of relationship you have depends on who you are with and how they treat you, so be kind to each other, put each other first, talk ALL the time and soon your previous relationships will be a distant memory.

Luckily for me DP's massive ego won't allow the cheating to be a reflection on him! And he is so loving and affectionate to me that now I realise it was my ex's failing, not that I was unlovable.

Keep doing your own thing and encourage him to do his too. Yes be together but not too together, if you see what I mean. You are always going to be with yourself so your primary relationship is there, and he shouldn't interrupt that, in my view x

It sounds good, so I'd say trust in god but tie your camel up first.

Ie, why not go for it, but take things slowly and make sure you always have enough funds to exit the relationship if thigns turn sour. Which is advice I'd give anyone, but in your case doubly so. if nothing else, it'll give you the confidence that you are not trapped. Feelign trapped and dependent in a relationship is a strain on that relationship whether or not the other person is actually abusive or not.

I think as well that you are both clearly aware of your flaws and vulnerabilities is very good, as long as you're strong enough to not need to be with each other, only want to be.

You are talking about them in the 3rd person- but assume it is about you?

Can I ask why as that is slightly odd in itself.

To answer the question- all people have baggage that they take to a relationship.

My question is, can these people have a healthy relationship or is the very fact they've attracted one another mean they are still co-dependant??

This doesn't make any sense to me. sorry.

The term 'co-dependent' is usually used when a couple has a long relationship and they lack the guts to move out of it even when it's obvious that it's not working.

How does that apply here?