Feeling desperate!!

[Star86]

I've been with my partner for 2 years and for the last 10 month our sex life has been terrible. I love him very much, he's so caring, we live together and i'm pregnant with his child but our sex life is so bad it makes me want to leave him.

He's not very experienced and is not willing to try anything or ask me what I like. When we do go to have sex he hurts me, not on purpose, just because its so bad. And he gets so frustrated that I don't get aroused but I really desperately wish I could!

He won't discuss it he just says "sorry I know I'm shit" it makes me feel horrible because he is my partner who I love and I don't want him to feel that way about himself!

What can I do? What should I say to him? I feel like its my fault and he is not attracted to me. He has said he wants to have sex but he can tell I don't like it so we're best off not doing it anymore.

I feel so helpless, I love him very much but we're only in our early 20's and I don't know if I can live like this forever. Please can anyone give advice? Thank you.

What happened ten months ago? It was okay before then? If he won't discuss it, I don't know what to say. Does he do foreplay at all? Tell him he has to get you in the mood, or you are not having it? Because if you are not in the mood, it hurts.

It hurts because you are not wet enough? Or for another reason?

Yeah he tried harder when we were first together, now he just can't be bothered to take into account what I like, I just have to take what he gives or do without. And yeah it hurts because I'm not wet enough, and he goes too rough thinking it will pleasure me more if he pushes harder.

Try guiding and showing. Men sometimes prefer this to talking or discussing sexual issues.

Could you guide his hands with your own hands?

"Sorry I know I'm shit" appears to actually mean "you've told me what you like but I can't be arsed to make an effort".
I'm not surprised you don't want to sleep with him with an attitude like that!! He needs to listen to you and understand that it could be good.

He sounds very inexperienced. There are some good sex manuals on the market, nothing hard core, just a basic manual. It might be worth buying one and either giving it to him to read or better still, try reading it together.
He probably gets very anxious as he is scared of failing so he tries to just fumble through it.
Sex education and I mean sex guidance is generally non existent for most adults. Hopefully a decent book can give him some insight into the workings of the female body and he can learn some good tips that will enhance your difficult sex life.
He may be doubly anxious at the moment as you are pregnant. Perhaps he sub consciously thinks he may harm the baby somehow during sex.
Don't forget to tell him that you love him as it's important.
Buy some lubricant which may help things a bit too. Good luck.

He is not inexperienced he is lazy.

He used to spend time arousing you so it is not that he can't.

He cannot actually be bothered to spend time arousing you.

Why do you allow him to continue when you are not aroused and it is painful? Stop him. If he goes to penetrate you and you are not ready say no.

I agree I would not live like this.

"I feel like its my fault and he is not attracted to me. "

Please don't start down that slippery slope because all that's waiting for you at the bottom is crushed self-esteem and shattered confidence. I think what you've discovered is that he is an inept, insensitive and selfish sexual partner. And that's his problem to resolve, not yours. If he doesn't think his sexual technique is important enough to work on, & if he carries on when he knows he's hurting you, he's not a very nice person.

A long term relationship, if this is not addressed, will be a miserable experience. You really don't have to settle for it, no matter how much you think you love him.

Thank you for the advice everyone.

I've tried the guiding his hands thing and he just gets annoyed if I move his hands and says "I could tell you don't like it" and stops.

I've tried books, ones that put it in a light hearted way but are still educational but he refused to read them. I tried to watch a sex education documentary on TV he said it was ridiculous.

I honestly don't know what else to do, he's just completely uninterested and that's why I think he's gone off me. I think the only thing left to do is explain to him that we need to work through this problem and if we don't sort it I'm going to leave him. Which makes me a horrible person I know, but I can't live like this for the rest of my life, its causing too much tension. I just don't know how to say this to him without hurting him and sounding like a complete bitch! :(

What, and he isn't being a bitch for HURTING you because he can't be arsed to get aroused together?

Going at it hard because he thinks that will turn you on?
THAT is a sign of too much porn use (and believing what he sees!) to me.

He is lazy, and he is NASTY.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Doesn't make you a horrible person at all. Takes time to judge a person properly because everyone's on best behaviour and trying hard in the early months of a relationship. Give it 6 - 9 months, however, and you start to see the 'real them'. It's unfortunate that you've got pregnant because I suspect that, if there was no baby, you wouldn't have stuck it out this long and there would be no dilemma.

It's OK to make a mistake and choose the wrong person. The smart move is to get out before it brings you completely down.

As for 'hurting him'..... he's carried on having sex with you when you've been in pain. That's awful behaviour and he's not a person you should waste too much time worrying over.

The rest of our relationship is perfect, he's so different in his personality out of the bedroom. He treats me all the time, he helps with keeping the house clean and we pay for everything equally. He always makes sure I'm happy and talks to me when I'm not. But its when I try to talk about sex he just shuts down and changes his attitude. Our sex life is literally the only problem, the rest is lovely and that's why I don't want to hurt him because in day to day life he is lovely its just the sex. But sex is such a big part of a relationship, especially if i'm going to spend the rest of my life with him.

You're right that sex is a big part. Especially when this is already making you feel so shit. I would absolutely see this as ultimatum time.

Sex is about intimacy. All those things you describe.... treats, keeping a house clean, paying for things equally and talking to you.... are givens in a relationship. Not attributes. You could live with a good friend and get all those things.

Intimacy is what differentiates 'friends' from 'life partners'. If you cannot be intimate you do not have a perfect relationship.

He is not just a different personality or displaying a poor attitude when it comes to sex, he is so insensitive and so selfish that he is going straight for penetration and causing you physical discomfort as a result. Worse, he is not even prepared to talk about it or change behaviour. You have to assume, therefore, that he is getting what he wants out of the experience, regardless of your feelings ..... and to my mind someone with that attitude is just not a nice person at all.

Does he use porn? I think this is an important question to ask. It does sound as if he is expecting you to be ready for him even though you are not.....
My ex was not great in bed but we worked through SOME of the issues and it improved somewhat.....