It's always about money!!

[Anon0101]

Just wondering if you could give me advice/opinions as don't want to talk in RL!

I am getting so frustrated with my DH over money, we do split all household bills despite him earning more than me and I make sure everything is paid and do weekly shops, sometimes we don't have a lot left so I will dip into my own money to buy things and never make a fuss. If we go out anywhere it is always in my car using my petrol and I never get any contribution from DH but again never moan.

I am pregnant and yes it is very early but obviously thinking about maternity leave. He is saying to me have I spoken to my boss re pay as I'm in a company where things could be flexible as he is worried about how much money we will lose out on, he is also saying about me going back after 6 months which I am ok with as I do like working but I am in a very full on stressful job that is literally 24/7. I just feel like all pressure is on me that I have to go back to work as bills have to be paid and he was saying we wouldn't get our mortgage if I didn't

I get annoyed as the only reason we can get a mortgage is because I have saved over the last 10 years, I paid for our whole wedding with no help and to be honest I'm sick of people relying on me and I want someone to look out for me!! He saves the bare minimum every month but stills goes out on a weekly basis and I keep my mouth shut.

I have spoken out before but it doesn't change. I'm just fed up!

It may not change.

I'm just fed up!

This is probably the least worrying outcome when two people have different approaches to finance.

Oh dear. It's a shame when you find the man of your dreams is a selfish tight-wad but, them's the breaks... I'm personally a fan of keeping some independence where personal finances are concerned in a marriage/partnership, but all joint expenses have to be met jointly and fairly. There should never be a situation where one partner is scrimping to pay for the deposit on a house while the other spends their money like water. When something serious crops up - like a baby - you have to make some big adjustments. I apologise for stating the obvious, but you seem to have left that a bit late.

If speaking out isn't working you have to go for something more drastic. He isn't going to offer you more money voluntarily and he doesn't sound motivated, so you're going to have to twist his arm up his back. Joint finances, equal spending money each, accounts reorganised, full disclosure, return to work properly discussed..... or .... dire consequence (be creative).

Op I don't understand why anyone would marry let alone choose to have a child with someone like this. When talks come down to 'my petrol' and 'my car' and tit for tat, I think it's already trouble. He seems very miserly and selfish, already hounding you about your ml before you've even had the baby.

In fact it may get worse, OP. With this attitude, he may see any baby-related expenses (nappies, clothes, childcare that allows you to return to work at the earliest opportunity as he dictates ) as your sole responsibility and only contribute to these under duress.

You need to have a serious talk to him as soon as possible about how you proceed and if he doesn't answer to your satisfaction, consider your options.

Ok from a purely financial point of view I would work out what you are going to get when on mat leave and then try to save the difference between the two in the time you have before going on leave. I am pregnant with DC2 now and this is what we have been doing. Also work out any large bills that are due during your mat leave like car tax or MOT and try to save or at least budget for those as well.

The most important thing though is your DH needs to realise that this is his baby too and he is responsible for the costs that come with one! He needs to be saving for your mat leave to cover bills and also although he has said about you going back to work is he aware if childcare costs? Again this is not just your responsibility he will need to be factoring those in to his spending as well.

You need to be having a serious talk about this now as this is an issue that won't go away and you only have to look through this board to see how bad things can get when two people have money problems.

Good luck Op

Sorry didn't mean to sound petty but I do always fill the car up and no consideration to ever contributing, not like my car, my petrol kind if way.

I'm an easy going person and I always try to help everyone out and think that I'm being taken advantage of to be honest, just wasn't sure what to do as we do get on and no massive arguments.

Not one person has accused you of being hard going or unhelpful.

The main message here is that you must act and you must act urgently. This may involve disagreement. It should not mean a massive argument.

anon if you get on then just sit with him and spell it out clearly. Write it all down in black &white. The cost of mat leave, extra expenses such as nappies etc, cost of childcare and so on. Make it really clear that these are the costs of having a baby.

Does he know you dip into your own money each month at the moment?

I mean this with kindness, but i think "keeping your mouth shut" has not done you any favours, why have you been depleting your savings and not telling him? Sounds to me like he has a very easy ride....if youcontinue not to voice this to him, how can this ever change? He sounds extremely selfish to say the least. Has he no shame, or perhaps ever thanked you or shown appreciation, at you using your DECADE's worth of saving to enable you to buy the house?

Thanks everyone I think like many of you have said it needs to be written down clearly. I'm already in a stressful job so really don't need the added pressures of worrying about money. I'm not saying its a husband/partners duty to look after you but surly you expect them to step up and take a bit more control of the situation?

oh dear....not much team work here. How's it going to work as parents?

if you don't pull together now your future ain't bright. Please have a serious talk.

Op I didn't mean that you were he one being petty. What I was trying to say that if the situation comes down to where you have to pick out the petty stuff then that's not good.

1. Neither one of you should shoulder the financial worries alone. You need to keep informed no matter how stressful your job.

2. Neither one of you should have the responsibility for budget planning. Do it together over a good meal and no telly.

And stop with the "my" car. It's the family car, and family money pays for petrol, tax, etc, and maintenance of it.

If you are going to divide the family money up like this, then stop subsidising him when there's none left. Both of you pay more into the pot in that instance.

Jesus wept! Stop dipping onto savings. Call time on this shit! You are not flat mates. No 50/50 when one of you earns more and you have kids.

Stop keeping your mouth shut and being the cool girlfriend. The baby is his, too!

I would not get a mortgage with this person until he turns into a grown up.

" surly you expect them to step up and take a bit more control of the situation?"

I'm afraid my reaction to that is a hollow laugh...... I'm from a large family populated by women who are sharp with cash and men who are selfish money-wasting fuckwits. I was even stupid enough to marry one (and divorce him) !!!!

Of course you have no massive arguments, you're not challenging his behaviour yet. Time to get those elbows sharpened, the spreadsheets out and the Riot Act read or this is going to drive a massive wedge between you.