struggling with TTC.

[googoodolly]

I posted this in conception but didn't get any replies and I really need some help.

DP and I have been TTC since June. I'm 25 and he's 34. He has three DC and I had a MC at 19 so there are no fertility issues.

TTC itself isn't hard but there's something I'm really struggling with. DP has had problems with his ex and contact and it's finally starting to settle and become regular which is good. I wasn't the OW before I get jumped on for that.

Anyway, I'm really struggling with the fact that he has this little family with someone else when we're struggling to concieve. It breaks my heart when he talks about his children because I really want a family with him and I hate that I feel this way. His kids are wonderful but I don't know what to do to stop the jealousy

I was too scared to post this in step-parenting so please be nice.

Have you used a fertility calculator to work out your most fertile days? It's quite a small window in the month so I suggest you try that.

Sorry if you already have!

I know TTC can be frustrating but to be honest 3 1/2 months is really not that long. I conceived my first DD in the first month but my second took 17 months.
Give it a bit longer....

Why do you want a baby? Is it to compete with his ex or is it to bring something positive & unique into your life? Please remember that 'comparison is the thief of joy'. If you're so insecure that you're constantly comparing yourself with his ex and his DCs it won't be a happy life. It's TTC that's making you jealous today but, if you take that forward and make it into some sort of 'who has the best child' competition, you can spoil the whole experience of motherhood. You'll be annoyed every time his older DCs seem to get something your baby doesn't. You'll find yourself comparing everything your baby does against a benchmark of what his other DCs did.

Be sure of your motives.

I've always wanted a family and it's nothing to do with competing with her. I have no issues with her and we're on friendly terms.

My jealousy isn't that I'm jealous of her or that his kids are with her or anything like that - it's just that we both want a family and it's hard to see that he already has one (as in, he has children) and I don't, if that makes sense.

We see the DC and I get on with them but they're not "mine" and that's what's hard.

How long have you felt this way about his existing family? Solely since TTC or for a long time prior?

I've never had a problem with him having children and it's never been an issue until now.

I think I'm scared that we might not conceive (even though I know that's irrational) and I just want my own children with him. I love the DSC's but it's not the same as having your own.

I felt like this when TTC as well. It took 2 years and 3 miscarriages and I am finally 17 week pregnant. Not out of the woods by a long shot but closer than I was.

After the first MC (It took 4 months to fall) it took another 8 months to fall again, so nearly a year between each BFP (was 13 weeks when I lost the first) I struggled hugely with the fact he already had 2 children and I/we had none. I soon realised this was completely my issue and not his fault / his children's fault. It helped to actually discuss this with him too.

That said, 3 months is not long at all, and I wouldn't mention it to him yet. You are not struggling to conceive, you just haven't yet. There's a huge difference.

Try not to think about 'he already has a family' because it will do your head in. Try and think of it that you have a family with him and are planning to add to it. Because his children will be your children's siblings. Don't forget that.

aw thank you seasalt that makes me feels much better actually. I never thought of it like that really!

It took us five months to conceive... Four months of trying as and when, then one month using a fertility monitor (Clearblue). I think there's something to be said for charting your fertility to work out when you're most likely to conceive.

I have fingers crossed for you... I hope his having children already doesn't become too painful for you, I appreciate it must be hard to know he's already shared that with someone else.