Fed up with this, time to end it?

[lamandler]

I can't even be arsed to NC for this, feeling so thoroughly fed up with my marriage.

I'll try not to ramble or out myself, but with DH nearly 20 years, married for 10, 2 DCs. He's v driven by his job, gets totally obsessed and it takes over his life. I work too but end up doing all the life admin, finances, school stuff, really do prop everyone's life up.

Lately he's been working v long hours on a project and I've been home waiting to start a new job. Has been a tough few weeks with illnesses, family funeral etc but I still did it all without him.

So a fine comes today for parking. In an alley for 25 mins at 8pm when he texted he was working. I've confronted him and the explanation has evolved from 'just dropped (female) colleague off' to 'talking about work didn't realise how long didn't tell you as I knew you would think worst'.

Now all my alarm bells are ringing, but what hurts worst is that he knew I was at end of long day with sick DD and whether he was genuinely talking or humping furiously I am more hurt by complete lack of respect and lies.

I don't want this any more but I feel desperately sorry for DC who adore him.

And how does anyone go it alone and still work???

I do! I have 3 under 6, but I only work part time and provide childcare for my sister on my days off and her and my mum do mine when I'm working. Have you go a supportive family? It really helps. How old are your DC?

What rings the biggest alarm bell for me is his instant defensive accusation, making it your fault for thinking the worst.

My boyfriend is a builder, constantly in other women's houses. If he were 30 mins late, I'd think he was working or chatting. And he would say he was working / chatting. It simply would be a possibility in either head to talk about cheating.

So I think you're right to be wary, sorry.

As for going it alone... Sit down and work out your finances and practical options like childcare. You both work - he doesn't sound like it's a minimum wage job - so if you have to, you pay.

I'm divorced, both if us work full time, we pay for wrap around care 50/50.

Sorry you hit your last straw moment. Sounds like it's been building for a while. If you've decided it's over the best way to proceed, I think, is to take advice, get well-informed, start recruiting your support group and generally make a plan. He won't be able to spend all night and day at work (or in an alley) when he's caring for the DCs on a 50/50 basis, for example.

I know it's the detail, but would he be expected to pay half (huge) mortgage? I am due to start a new full time job next week, that's impossible now. God what a fucking idiot he is

It depends on what is reasonable, affordable and agreeable to both parties. 'Reasonable' usually means that the separating couple are able to have a decent place to live each with maybe the resident parent mostly responsible for children having a bigger place to reflect that. If funding a place of his own means he can't afford to pay half the mortgage as well, and if you can't afford the family home on just your salary and any maintenance payments, then you may have to sell up, split the proceeds and start fresh. But this is the kind of thing a solicitor should guide you through

It's not impossible. I'm not saying it won't be hard but it's not impossible. What childcare plans did you have in place?

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Does your "D"H know how serious this is or you or is hetrying to minimise / brush you off?

Thanks, he knows by text which is hardly ideal but it's our main form of communication

I have paid childcare, both families are overseas. I am so furious that he is so stupid and selfish, poor DC. We are settled in a lovely home and now they might lose him and their home? It's just too much to bear.

And yes trying to minimise it of course, he knows he's buggered

I'm so sorry. What time did he go home that night? Was he home soon after or much later?

Why on earth would you drive up an alley if you were driving someone home, if you were just chatting? Surely you'd park by their house/office?

Why does this mean you can't go to work, if you're not reliant upon him for childcare? It's important your life continues as it would have otherwise.

If he was talking in the car when it was illegally parked, the parking attendant would normally ask him to move the car, not just issue a ticket and slap it on the windscreen?

Suggests to me the car was parked and he was inside somewhere (or, sorry, having a knee trembler in the alley). However it sounds as if really this is no longer even the issue. Get some legal advice OP. Start your new job. On your own salary will you be entitled to WTC? Between you you should be able to fund any childcare needed.

Well if it's any consolation OP he'll be shitting himself this afternoon

It also mean that he will have had a chance to get his story "straight" so brace yourself for a whole load of bare-faced lies which will be hard to hear

HellonHeels late night tickets are mainly caught by cameras not a traffic warden. But that's just a detail

I googled it, it's not really an alley but a cul de sac into apartments. He was parked illegally so the letter that arrived today (yes I open his post because he does fuck all admin and we've nearly been sued many times when I haven't ) helpfully had CCTV pic of number plate and time he was parked to and from.

Sorry about all the sweariness

Re the job, I have been having major doubts if I can do it even before this as it's full on full time and he has such unreliable hours (potentially his own making as well as culture of his work)

OP don't let his utter wankbadgery arseholery stop you from doing what you want