Things I have done wrong Part One

[rocket74]

I am nearing the finishing line where one day I will finally have the strength to say enough is enough. This thread is kind of a message to myself. been writing it in my head for months.

As the title of this thread goes ...

1. Tonight - Got interrogated and heard 'fucking/stupid bitch' about the fact I had left a tshirt and washing basket on the bed. Why was it there. Is it clean? Is it dirty? It was his t shirt.
2. Last night I got home from work at 6.45pm made dinner for 2 DCs (too late I know) (dh and kids pick me up from work) bathed dd2, got both ready for bed, made our dinner, bf dd then finally ate at 9.30pm. Complaints about eating late again and it was the reason i was a fat cow and he was a fat cunt. All the while DH was 'researching' Xbox ones on the computer. He is meant to be the sahp at the moment.
3. On Sunday I was about to hang out washing even though DH had mentioned an hour earlier he was going to mow the lawn. He said 'you can't do that I'm mowing the lawn' I asked when he was going to start and he called me a cunt. He was researching Xbox one.
4. Saturday. Got called a fucking cunt. Can't remember why. He tried to hug me later.

I know these are all small things but they build up and up. I know he would accuse me of stonewalling and being uncommunicative - but when you are never sure what the right thing is to say it's easier to say nothing. He can talk for hours about feelings and emotions and being 'philosophical' but I don't think that always extends to me or the DCs. When I had PND and stress of moving house a year ago I took ADs and he called me a quitter and I was 'smacked out' whenever i did something wrong. i was only on 20mg ffs. He was very depressed in his late 20s but he wears that like a badge of honour.

On a recent holiday with friends one had to leave the room because he couldn't stand hearing any longer how everything was always my fault. Which is exactly how it feels constantly.

Sorry this isn't very coherent but on iPhone in bed with DD but I am tired of 'forgetting' these incidences. I need to log them not forget. There are many many more incidences like these and there have been punch holes in doors, and DS has been called a 'fucking little bastard'. Many times. Or 'shut the fuck up'. DS has ASD.

And he is always tired. So very tired. (Well that's likely when you stay up until 3am on Xbox and you know you have to get up at 6.30am with kids).

I don't know what I should do next.

These are not little things. He is really nasty to you. My husband called me a cunt once and I went so ballistic I terrified us both. that's not a recommendation but you need to find a way to show him his behavior is completely unacceptable. Sorry not to be much help but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

What you do next, my darling, is talk to Women's Aid. Just have a chat.
It obviously isn't easy to leave him, or you would have done so.
How he treats you is appalling.
You need to protect yourself, and you need to protect your son.
Keep talking in here. Call Women's Aid. Speak to a solicitor. If the latter two feel too much PLEASE at least get support on here.
No-one should call you a cunt, let alone any of the rest of it. I'm so sad for you

Honestly, this man is abusing you in my book. I'm sorry to say so, and sorrier that he is treating you like this. For a start, if he is the one at home at the moment, why are you cooking dinner after work, especially if you finish at 6.30? Does he do the laundry? If he does, then why doesn't he put it all away? Even if he doesn't, what is the big deal about a t-shirt and washing basket? Does he actually do anything at all? Apart from moan at and swear at you, that is. The way he speaks to you is beyond a joke, as others who actually are decent human beings have noticed. Lovely support for you when you were being treated for post natal depression as well. He wasn't so worried about you being "smacked out" doing things that he actually helped, or even did some of them was he? Does he bring anything positive, good or fun to your life? Thinking of you, and you need to start thinking about you too.

what a gentle and kind post cabrinha! OP, we're all here for you, please take the steps you can to make the move you know you must.

Rocket, you probably do know deep down what you need to do next. You and your DC can actually live a life where nobody calls you those names and treats you so badly. It might seem impossible to you now but you can leave. Myself and loads of other MNs left abusive relationships and the peace of mind is worth all the hard bits. You really do not have to stand for this. Please ring Women's Aid. I would love you hear that you put yourself and your DC before that horrible man.

I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship. Individually, you're right, any one of those incidents could be explained away as nothing particularly serious - although IMHO calling someone a cunt is pretty nasty in itself, even as a one-off, and not acceptable in any circumstances. But as a sustained campaign of insults and offensive behaviour, it's abusive.

I think you know what you want - him out of the picture - even if you don't know how to go about it. He's already verbally abusive. Has it ever become physical? Even if that hasn't happened, I'd suggest you plan as if he would.

Have you ever confided in someone IRL what's going on? The friend that couldn't stand to see you under attack... is that someone you could talk to? Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 would be a good place to contact.

This morning he was singing with DD and made their breakfast. This isn't unusual really. And this is where I get stumped as to what to do. There are nice times where we just tick along even though its always a bit of struggle but I am always thinking something is just around the corner. When I hear my name I think 'what is wrong now?'.
I do fantasise that one day he just won't come home - because that would be a lot easier.
The DCs do love him and I don't know how I would cope physically on my own as DS can be challenging and he is a big boy.
We have been having counselling and I have raised an incident where he called me a f'ing cunt just for throwing away a manky dish brush and not replacing it. He knows I hate the word but he uses it a lot especially in the car at other drivers.
Part of me thinks I should go ballistic next time (sorry on phone so can't ref who said this). The last time I did we were at my mums and he packed his bag and left. That was four years ago and I don't think I really cared then either.
I think I worry because he would have absolutely nowhere to go. His mum barely tolerates him as he's always looking over her shoulder to see what she is doing wrong. Most of his friends have drifted away.
Financially I am the main earner but I would have to give up work. We rent so would get HB etc and I think I could manage. We do get a bit extra because of DS which would make the difference.
I know my friends would be amazing and I do confide the odd bit here and there. It was my friends DP who left the room on holiday whilst we went for a little drive to the shops and she expressed his behaviour to me was outrageous and that she would help me however possible. TBH I had set myself the deadline of the holiday to make a decision but now that has passed I do feel like a 'quitter' or maybe I should try harder.
He does have 'sensory' issues - if people eat loudly he get angry, if the kids cry or scream he puts his hands over his ears and leaves the room (very helpful), I apparently sound like a train crash when I drink tea... But this all means I am on eggshells a lot and I have to pre think things in case it irritates him. I do use this to annoy him though when he is being horrid by eating carrots REALLY loud just out of sight
I will look at Women's Aid but a big part of me thinks 'I'm not that woman' which I suspect is pretty common.

I was you once, eight years ago now since I left. I cannot tell you just how much better my life became once I left. My child was happier and I was so much happier. I am now remarried and had two more children to a wonderful man.

Please don't think that you have to put up with this any more. You don't. Women's aid will help. He doesn't have to punch you in the face for it to be abuse.

There is no justification for his treatment of you. You have done nothing wrong. He is an abusive arsehole. I cannot tell you the relief I felt once I left. My life began again. And yours will too.

Why would you have to give up work?

I think I would have to give up work because the DCs are 5 and 2, my job is 9-6 five days a week and they would not allow going part time (believe me I have tried). I think I could manage 1-2 days a week. Who would be at home at 3pm every time for when DS gets home? I have worked hard to get where I am in a very vocational and creative field - it's not something I want to just ditch - but it's full on and full time.

Could you move closer to parents or siblings or friends who might be able to help you out a little with childcare?

You can get tax credits and help with childcare too.

I find grown men who play on computer games too much like children and it rubs off in other areas. I know what I would be doing in your shoes and that is getting rid of the waste of space

You will get help with childcare via tax credits. Please look up a local nursery ands we what there fees are. Also your DS would be able to go to a childminder after school as could your youngest if that's what you preferred.

There is a calculator on what help you would get on hmrc or turn2us.

Your dh is quite dysfunctional and although I hate saying this to women in your situation his abusive behaviour is imprinting on your children each and every day influencing who they become as adults and how they operate in future relationships. So the pattern usually repeats itself somewhere along the line.

Please do not worry that he has nowhere to go, I'm sure his mother won't see him on the streets.

I know you say he is nice sometimes and that's ok but what matters is when he is not nice. That's the important part. I doubt you will ever change him either. I felt so angry reading how he criticised you for leaving out a t-shirt! Believe me when I say that it's not the norm the way he speaks to you or your DS.

Be strong. You can do this. You are worth so much more. You are worth loving, you should be treat with respect.

Everything is your fault. Oh really?

For a SAHP I wonder what he does do beyond "researching Xboxes".

DS gets called horrible names, you get called horrible names.
When this is persistent it goes beyond 'name calling' it is verbal abuse.

A display of anger to the extent he punches doors is a not-very-subtle hint that it could be you next time.

He gives you all this aggro yet he's the one with sensory issues, oh please.

His mum barely tolerates him as he's always looking over her shoulder to see what she is doing wrong. Most of his friends have drifted away.

They have him pegged, your friends have him sussed, yet you have probably thrown him more lifelines than anyone else, time to stop.

Follow advice on here upthread, you know it makes sense.

I did let him know this morning I was upset about the tshirt incident. At the time I explained that it was because I was putting laundry away whilst keeping an eye on DS in the bath. He just wouldn't hear it. It was just me 'leaving shit all over the bed'. I was bloody multitasking whilst he was having a beer! And I ruined the gravy with dinner. Apparently.
I have already done countless online benefit calculations in many variations so I think I would manage and would aim to work even if only a bit of freelance.
I don't know how we got here
It was really good at times but his moods can be excruciating to be around. Some mornings I couldn't open my eyes because I knew he was lying there ready to talk and over analyse a situation over and over and over again.

He chimes in 'I want two babies' when I am struggling with the kids as though none of it was his choice. I didn't bloody ask for a kid with autism but what I got is a beautiful boy who breaks my heart when he achieves something we all take for granted. I have said why did he marry me when he knew I wanted kids?? He already had PFB DD with someone else. She never got told to shut the fuck up or anything in case it damaged her precious delicate inner animal/spirit.

I think money and time is a huge stress in our life also but the current situation isn't going to solve this. I can't push him to do things around the house even though it desperately needs it.
I can't think of one time he's woken up and said anything like 'hey let's go to the beach/park/pool/the moon... Today!!' When I suggest Outings he always worst case scenarios about parking, other people, cost.
I don't think his mum would take him in. She can't stand him and mutters 'lies and excuses' whenever he is on the phone explaining his tardiness to whoever. She is definitely TeamRocket.

My mum hates him. They have had massive rows and I just get angry at both. She did call him abusive about a year ago. It didn't go down well.

As for his 'sensory issues', think about what this means for your children. Being scared to cry, laugh loudly, be excited, to move around carelessly because you might knock into something... You will not be the only one walking on eggshells: they as well will always be checking themselves to see they are not over his threshold. It's a horrible kind of internalised control that makes for inhibited children who grow into inhibited adults who don't know that they have the right to take up space in this world just as they are.

TBH I had set myself the deadline of the holiday to make a decision but now that has passed I do feel like a 'quitter' or maybe I should try harder.

The so-called deadline has gone. I know it is easy for me a stranger to say fgs get rid of him but please think about your quality of life.

You can have differing opinions with a partner, even argue with them, and still love them. A volatile relationship doesn't necessarily equate to unhappiness. As DCs we learn 'how' to argue and what is and isn't acceptable from our parents.

But you have used the phrase 'walking on eggshells'. Shouting and swearing are unacceptable. Persistent fault finding grinds you down. Hostility and tension can't always be hidden from DCs. They pick up things, even when very young. I'm sure you don't knowingly expose your DCs to distress but this isn't doing you any good. His communciation style sucks.

Frankly he is a grown man so if there's a parting of the ways his accommodation situation will not be your priority believe me.