So, my mixing the s**t MIL, should I send her a letter?

[Northerner]

I've called her to try to talk about this mess and she told me she will tell me when it's good for her to talk

She is the one who casued all of this.

So I've drafted a letter telling her exactly what I think. Remember here is a woman who has called me two faced, caused major trouble and slagged off my parents.

MN jury?

No, I wouldn't.

No I wouldn't! Very soon she will realise that she is being isolated from your life and will come crawling back. You will be a better person than me if you let her do so!

I had a most awful run in with my MIL and sent a letter about 8 years ago. It didn't make a blind bit of difference, other than making me look deranged

not been on for a while so don't know the background but.....WHY?

what does it matter. if you send the letter what do you hope it will achieve? i seriously doubt that it will make matters any better, more likely worse.

don't get me wrong i had the mother in law from hell trust me, and i would have loved to stand and tll her precisely what i thought of her (i did once things were beyond repair)

just let it go, ignore and for as much as possible consider her gone from your life.

If you send her a letter like that, it will automatically put you in the wrong. Regardless of whose fault it ultimately is, sending the letter will make it seem as if it's you who is shit-stirring.

Better to maintain a dignified silence than bring yourself down to her level.

I am afraid I don't know your history with your MIL.

However, DO not send her the letter, this woman obviously enjoys this kind of drama, don't give her the satisfaction. Walk away and if she calls you, be out! Just don't engage her on any level. Don't slag her off, don't talk about her, don't think about her!

Ignore her completely forevermore. Letter will feed her evil stirring meanness, imo. Write the letter and burn it on a pyre instead.

No

you already know that her home relies on her staying 'in' with SIL

no - don't send letter. write it, for cathartic reasons but then burn it.

don't contact her again.

what have you managed about childcare? is she looking after your ds?

Don't do it - it's not likely to help imho

Just ignore her

Do not send this letter to the MIL, it will just give her more ammo to throw your way.

Don't do it.
More aggro for you, more ammunition for MIL.
Leeeaaaaave it, Northerner, it aaaaaiiiiint wooorf it.

I think it's a great idea to write it - or even several, just to get it all out .... no holds barred.

However, it will almost certainly come back and bite you in the bum, if you send it, not least because (and bearing in mind she's already a known stirrer) she will then have written evidence of how "horrid" you are which she can wave at SIL, or anyone else interested.

I know you've told us the background here but to a 3rd party who doesn't know what's been happening, you could like the DIL from hell !

You've tried to talk - and she's refused. Therefore I really do think the ball's in her court. She might be the sort of person who, whatever pressure you apply, will never admit her part in what's happened, let alone apologise for it. If so, if you keep trying to sort this out, you might well end up feeling even more frustrated and angry about her. What I'm trying to say is, you may just have to accept that she's a meddling, 2-faced old bag per se, and deal with that fact by ignoring her (or minimising contact) as you see fit.

don't send it - it's future evidence against you, rightly or wrongly and you might well regret it.
don't know the history here, but whatever it is, talk instead or write letter and burn or let things simmer down for a while.

I've been in this situation, and you can never win against her!! I tried as much as possible to be nice and fix everything - but I always came out worse off.

Do not send her a letter. She will use this against you. You have to try and ignore anything she says to you. Be nice to her face and moan about her behind her back. If you dont rise to her bait, she can't do anything to you.

Believe me, I had the most evil MIL ever!!!!

Well that is pretty clear cut.

Conversations can/will be forgotten, a piece of paper can be passed around the family.

Blimey - I guess it's a no then!

Well I have enjoyed writing it anyway! I'll see how long she leaves it to contat me.

Northener, what does the letter say? I assume it is you stating your case and trying to get her to see that she has caused this problem? Personally I wouldn't care about her using it against me but I think she is using your good nature to play more mid games with you and that she is making you run after her and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

As you know I am in a similar situation but a few months down the line and all I can say is that my mum has behaved exactly the same. I have written several emails to her, trying to open up the channels of communication at first, telling her how hurt I feel because of her behaviour and in the end telling her a few home truths - and all she has done is tell me she will get in touch when she is ready to (like your MIL - making sure it is on her terms) and she hasn't done. What she has done instead is show my letters to my brothers and sisters and get them on her side against me.

I don't regret anything I have said because I have come to the end of my time anyway with the game the family are all playing (with her pulling the strings), the manipulative way she behaves, the badmouthing me and the way she gets others in the family to think badly of me. But if I had walked away 3 months ago without sending her anything it would have had the same effect - ie got me nowhere.

As someone said on my thread, she is NEVER going to listen to what you have to say, admit she has behaved badly and that all this was her fault and come running back saying she doesn't want to lose you. So spare yourself the emotional energy that this is using up and walk away with dignity.

This is her fault, not yours and we all know that, your SIL probably knows it and even your MIL probably knows it deep down. But banging on the door trying to get her to see it is not going to work. If she was capable of being reasonable and direct with people about her feeings she wouldn't be the manipulative gossip that she is. You have blown your MIL's game of divide and rule apart (she is probably jealous of your relationship with SIL) and now you need to get off the playing field and use your energy up where it is appreciated - on your lovely DH and children.

If you are interested my thread is called "Would you cut your mother out of your life - long sorry" and it is long!

Mind games, even!

I meant to say that walking away is now probably having more effect for me - my mother keeps indirectly trying to draw me back in and get the attention that she craves back again (your MIL might go through your SIL) but I have found walking away from it all the most empowering for me, even though I still get the odd cold horror moment, and chances are that it is when you stop banging on her door this is when your MIL will start to take you seriously.

How were thingsleft with SIL btw?

northerner - i totally sympathise, i always get the urge to get these things off my chest, but i don't think she'll listen and then she'll have something in writing which she'll flash about and use against you. if she is behaving like this she isn't going to be swayed by a reasonable letter. I feel for you so much and the situation you're in, but as i recall it's your DH and his brother who are the relatives so I think they need to stop being impartial and step in to stop their family being torn apart.

northener I've followed your threads about all this and I really sympathise, you've not had it easy with MiL and SIL. I can WELL understand your anger and the need to let the old bag know your feelings.

but looking at it objectively (not easy to do!) I'd write a stonking letter, letting rip with how you feel. Then I'd rip it up. And carry on with your life, subtlely giving the in-laws the cold shoulder. They'll come back to you before you need them again. Don't let MIL babysit, pay a childminder or ask another mum if you can. And let SIL know you won't be her unpaid babysitter, tough if she doesn't get it.

Look out for you and yours and let the others stew in it!

and whats more I think you should be proud of your behavouir in all this!