Why doesn't he care? Desperate

[justfoundout2014]

H has moved out due to his affair and lying while were supposed to be 'working on it'. It's my first full week back at work (teacher) and he's still doing before and after school care (former sahd, now unemployed).

Had a bit of a breakdown at him this afternoon about how hard I am finding it coping with school, dc and the house. I am up at 5.30, at work by 7, home about 5pm then dc until 8pm, then more work, then bed - where I lie awake with my mind racing. The marking hasn't even started yet, so a relatively easy week .

I am shocked by how callous he is. He wanted me to agree that it would soon be easier (it won't - when he gets a job it will be harder, on a practical level); my job will settle soon (it won't - teaching is full on until June) etc etc I didn't cheer up at his brilliant suggestion of me getting another job (no other experience, highly unlikely to match my salary, and no time to look into it) and that I should go to a book club (No. Fucking. Time for new hobbies).

He then snapped that I should 'stay in my black hole then!' I can't stop crying - I am retching and shaking. Ds saw me and asked me not to cry . Now H has taken him to Beavers and will bring dd back from playdate. I can't sort myself out.

I just don't understand how he can just not care and wants me to say it's all fine so he doesn't need to feel guilty. I am trapped. I honestly can't see what to do. I don't even have time to see a solicitor or anything and I just want to know what is wrong with me that someone I shared 10 years with, and had 2 children with can just turn his back on me like this. I know I sound pathetic and needy, I just want him to offer a bit of support, or something.

I keep reading all these posts telling people to show how they don't care, be icy cool etc and I just can't do it. I am so pathetic, but I just can't.

He's not your friend. I'm sorry. I know it's a tough transition but he hasn't been your friend and he hasn't cared about you for quite some time. Friends don't shit on other friends from a great height. So don't talk to him and expect him to respond like a friend. He is not the person you thought he was.

You really have to put distance between you and start the divorce process. Get alternative child-care rather than letting this man in your home. Talk to your senior member of staff, explain you need time out for personal reasons, see the solicitor, and get the ball rolling. There is nothing wrong with you except wanting to believe the best in someone that really doesn't deserve your faith.

He already let you down in the worst possibly way, don't look to him for any support or expect him to have your best interests at heart, he doesn't, he proved that to you already.

Tell him nothing, talk to him re your child and that is it - turn to your friends or find new ones for help, support and encouragement - stop hoping that he is going to change into a nice guy, he wont.

OP

I have read your other threads and whilst my heart goes out to you, you need to organise childcare. You are wasting your time hoping for a reconciliation. You do not need to see him every day. Why leave for work at 7? You said on another thread that it was possible for you to leave later and do the morning childcare yourself?

I'm afraid that you are causing yourself some unnecessary suffering here. Cut contact. You will still be in pain but it won't be as severe as it is with you seeing your ex everyday.

He doesn't care because it's so much easier being the one who makes the decision, rather than being the mug dealing with the consequences.

He needs you to cope because he wants the simple life, free of problems. How nice.

And in order to get his utopia, you need to take on board anything that causes him distress.

So, turn it on its head. Right now it's fucking hard: You're emotionally battered, and barely sleeping or eating, and trying to adjust to the fact that the world and its problems have just been dumped on your plate. You have no idea how you're going to learn to cope with it, you're not even sure you can.

You will learn to cope with it over the coming months, but not in a day! You can have the mother of all meltdowns in the interim - I can't think of a more apt situation for having one, to be fair!

Are you not allowed to feel sorry for yourself? Aren't you allowed to take time to adjust? Why are you being so unforgiving of yourself?

If you're pathetic, then I'm abysmal! I think you're doing astonishingly well:

Managed to get out of bed - tick!
Managed to complete a full day of work - tick!
Managed to come home and not kill the twat who has done this - tick.

You're flipping amazing, really!

What I found helped me was not beating myself up for finding things difficult. There have been days when I can barely get out of bed, and others that I'm a whirlwind of accomplishment. I just know that as each day passes I get better at doing some things, and I can achieve all sorts of things that I didn't know I could before.

It's all part of getting your self-esteem back, and learning to see your partner as a twat.

(On a serious note, don't be afraid of getting yourself signed off work for some time and some anti-D's to help you get through the really rough weeks).

It's hard isn't it. Someone you have children with and is supposed to love you and have your back does this. I don't think I will completely get over the shock of it happening to me, but it does get easier, promise, even if it doesn't feel like it. Agree with above suggestion of not going in to work until much later, when you don't need to, and cutting him out as much as possible.

Thank you - I have calmed down a bit a read dd a bedtime story.

Re the childcare, although I could go into work later, this would cause another set of problems, as there would then be an hour's worth more work to do in the evenings. I am working til 10-11ish as it is - I think the lack of wind-down time is partly why I'm not sleeping well. I know it is frustrating when solutions are offered and people go, 'yeah, but...' but I honestly think stopping him doing childcare would be cutting off my nose to spite my face at this point. He isn't in a position to pay maintenance atm, so why shouldn't he provide this? I do need to get better at dealing with it though, and tell him to leave as soon as I am back (tonight was hard as extra pick-ups and drop-offs etc).

I am terrified of getting signed off work. I got a promotion that began this term, and don't want to let people down. Moreover, I love my job and, atm ,it feels like the one thing in my life that is a success. Colleagues are supportive and the kids take my mind off everything. I feel like I would totally crumble and float away if I didn't have that. Just wish it was a bit less full on...

so much for the supportive words everyone - this board has kept me sane over the last few months.

I do need to get better at dealing with it though

And your first step is that you lower your expectations of yourself - stop trying to be superhuman and accept you are a mere human and no-one wants to swap places with you right now.

Once I accepted that: I felt a lot better about saying to myself: 'No, I'm doing okay today all things considered.

I also felt 'terrified' in the early days that I was going to have a full nervous breakdown: the anxiety and stress I felt it was like living in a permanent state of fear and dread (and I have never had that feeling before) that something bad was about to happen.

But something utterly awful had happened.

I'm still dealing with it, daily, but recognise now it's likely to be another six months or so before I'm in a better position than the one I face now....but I'm in a much better position than the one I was in four and a bit months ago.

Baby steps, my dear, baby steps.