life sucks?

[tinklykeys]

My DH and I have our ups and downs. He is unhappy with the way life has worked out for him. He has things he would love to do, but can't because it isn't really compatible with supporting a family. He resents me because my dream in life was to have a family, yet his dreams go unfulfilled, and he blames me for this.

However, he knows it isn't normal to feel like this, and that he should be happy with his lovely family. We have 2 gorgeous children and are about to move to a lovely area with nice schools. This is a good time for us. Yet he is very up and down...

Anyway, blah blah sorry to be so incoherent. My concern is that when I was searching for something on Google earlier it showed me my husband's last search, 'life sucks'. I was a bit shocked that he is so unhappy that he would type that, and don't know what he was expecting to find.

What do you think? Should I recommend he gets professional help for his feelings? I have tried to be supportive of him over the years, but at the end of the day I can't change his work situation, and I can't change the fact we have children! It just seems such skewed thinking, we have so many lovely things in our lives, that to hear that those are his real thoughts is pretty tough.

Congratulations if that made any sense to you!

Just talk to him and asked why he visited that site in the first instance

I'd be more concerned about his contempt, if he didn't want a family he should have told you that, he sounds like a big baby, imagine blaming you for giving him children, bloody cheek!

If he realises it's not normal he should see his GP. When someone appears to have a good life and everything going for them but is still unhappy in spite of everything, that suggests depression.

I guess even the happiest and most contented of us get moments when we feel that things are difficult and pressured - that we'll be working forever (and then we'll die) - and feel that 'life sucks'. Better to type it into a computer and see what comes up than runoff with someone 20 years younger or try and suddenly relive your youth....

But OP, maybe you can talk about what his dreams are (or were) - does he dream of taking off for a round the world trip? does he imagine living in a houseboat? And is there anything that the two of you together can do to make that possible (or feel a little closer) e.g. if he dreams of being a chef could you work towards a 2 week chef training course, or if he wants to cycle around the world could you put aside £10 per week so that when he is 50 he can do the first leg of it....??

Also, how much of his 'dream' was reality and how much was fantasy? If he dreamed of being an international rock star but is actually tone deaf and has only sung karaoke, then that's different from someone who has the ability to build amazing furniture and has always dreamed of being his own boss....

tell him to watch 'it's a wonderful life'
seriously has he ever told you what his wishes are...have you discussed if any are possible??

Well he should have thought about his ambitions before he had children!

Are his desires hard to achieve with having a family or is there some way he could still do some if them or could you maybe plan these things for the future?

How old is he?

Thanks for the replies everyone! You're quite close with the furniture making, venusandmars, in that he is very creative and so long days in front of the computer wear him out! At my suggestion he spends his evenings and weekends working on his 'projects'. He is really very good but I think he's frightened and gets overwhelmed very easily.I know it doesn't make it impossible. I think he is afraid that financial pressures could stamp the joy out of it.

I spoke to him this evening and he doesn't want to see the gp. He said its just the stress of moving house, which I understand. It's good to be encouraged to help him follow his dreams though so we'll have a good chat after the move.

He's 39 by the way quitelikely, and has struggled to really work out what he wants to do until very recently. Sigh, I'll try to be a more understanding wife. Just sometimes it gets a bit tiring, especially as I feel I can never have struggles of my own as 'I have what I wanted'...

My dp struggled with deciding what to do about a hobby that he loved (which might be possible to develop into a business) versus a boring job with a regular and steady salary. He plumped for the steady job because he decided (for him) that he might risk losing the enjoyment of his hobby if it became his work.

But the main thing was to discuss it and make a decision and then bloody well get on with it cheerfully (reviewing it occasionally in melancholy moments but not dwelling on what might have been).

Thanks venusandmars that's really helpful. I think it's the wishing to have the best of both worlds that makes him miserable, and the feeling that he just can't risk it with a family to support. I'll be able to work again in a couple of years, so thAt would be a good time to a reassess...

Definitely like the idea of bloody well getting on with it cheerfully!!