Really old flame. why do I feel like this?

[noname253]

I'm not sure why I'm posting here but I really need to talk this through.
2 weeks ago I looked up someone who I dated a few times 13 years ago. when we met he was ready to take a gap year and we saw each other twice before he left for overseas.

We kept in touch by text and email for several months before he cut contact.
A year on we re-met on a night out and spent the night together (no sex) but he said he had a gf (who he had met on his travels) and he was moving to live with her and emigrate. He told me that if we'd met a month before he'd left for the gap year he wouldn't have gone so I expect there has always been an element of "what if" or "if only" in my mind.
We met briefly a couple of times after this but ended up falling out and I didn't see him again.
I met my (now) DH soon after this and am now married with a child.
my DH used to socialise with old flame (OF) and when Facebook came out OF requested to be DH friend but DH declined (I assume it was maybe because he didn't want us to be friends too)

I looked at OF's profile, saw he lived abroad, engaged etc and felt nothing.
so 2 weeks ago I look him up online (I have no idea why). He plays sport so there were photos etc of him and I dug deeper found out he's married with a small child and suddenly I can't stop thinking about him and looking him up online.
I don't understand why I feel like this and I'm ashamed of myself. I would be devastated if my DH was doing the same. I barely thought of him for 10 years so why now?
I don't know if anyone will have any advice but thanks for reading.

I think like you said it's the 'what if' element. The idea that your life could've gone in a completely different direction. You're probably idealising this other man on the basis of the few things you know about him. It's a romantic fantasy and that can't compete with the drudgery of every day life. In reality, if you'd stayed with the man, it probably wouldn't be anything like what you've built up in your head.
It could just be a passing fantasy and there's nothing unusual or wrong with that, but if it's becoming more of an obsession it might be a sign that there's something in your own life you're not happy with or that you're finding unfulfilling.

You dated a decade or more ago and now are both married with a child so yes you have that in common.

You met that ex over a decade ago and had a few dates. You kept in contact after he went away but he stopped communications. Later by the time you did see him he'd met someone else. Thereafter you and he fell out when an opportunity to see each other presented itself. Not much of a love story. Certainly nothing that stopped you from falling for DH and starting a life with him.

I'd say back when you first met that person you were young and life was full of possibilities. Now you're anchored and living an established life. Perhaps if things have now got stale you are subconsciously reassuring yourself you previously had opportunities, you still do! (but not with ex).

Thanks to technology you can peek at someone from way back and see him on a screen and daydream 'what if?' It's nice to reminisce and see a former partner and not shudder. But that's the past.

Thanks magpie. I know you're right about the fantasy/drudgery thing.
I'm sure these feelings will pass soon. I thought that posting here might speed up the process and gain some perspective.

When you put it like that donkeys it wasn't much of a love story

I think the whole FB set-up can turn even the most well-adjusted person into a wannabe stalker. It can become quite addictive looking up friends of friends of friends. :) Don't beat yourself up about wondering how someone's life turned out. I think it's pretty natural to be curious. Just knock it on the head if you think you're getting obsessional.

I've gone through various phases of this in my life - before the internet and Facebook, it was just thinking about them. I remember shortly after I had my first child for some obscure reason, I started thinking about a boyfriend of mine from donkey's years ago and I have no idea why - I couldn't get him out of my mind and would feel all soppy and nostalgic when I thought about him, and quite emotional - it was really strange. He was a nice enough bloke and we went out for a couple of years or so in our late teens/early 20s, but I hadn't thought of him in years and then suddenly I'm thinking about him non-stop?

It passed eventually, and since then I've gone through various phases of this with various exes/blokes from my past (maybe not as intense as that) but now of course we can do more than just daydream and wonder about them, we can look them up online, find out what they are up to, and in some cases even make contact.

I'm not on Facebook or Linkedin or any of that myself, and therefore I don't go on there or visit people's pages or anything, but I do admit to googling an ex's name here and there - usually when I'm bored or skiving.

Thanks for your replies. I'm making a point of doing no more snooping and trying to think of other things.
fontella thank you for sharing your story.
its a strange realisation that I've 'settled down' and there's no turning the clock back to my (very misspent) youth!

I got a friend contact on FB a few months ago and realised that he probably still knew my ex. I think I'd had a glass of wine and we all know that FB + alcohol is not a good mix... I looked at the friends list and, sure enough, there was the ex.

I last spoke to this person 20 years ago in harrowing and acrimonious circumstances but curiosity got the better of me. Disappointingly, he was not just a disembodied brain in a tank having survived some horrible accident (bitter? moi? noo...?). But he was pictured with his DW (OW) & kids and I was pleased to see that he has not aged well & the kids were as plug ugly as their parents. :) (I never said I was a nice person)

Sometimes it's fun to revisit the past and reminisce & sometimes you just need to draw a line under it.

I would have preferred him to be pug ugly tbh cog although I must admit his wife wasn't much to look at. god I sound awful.
I suppose I'd quite like to think he was wondering about me too but as there isn't any information or photos of me online he can't see how well I've aged -compared- -to- -his- -wife-
I'd like to think he still remembered me with a tiny bit of fondness.
I feel like a pathetic teenager.

I remember the teen years... all that self-consciousness, the angst, the bullshit, the crippling insecurity, the rank stupidity,.... Like Blackpool, it's OK to visit occasionally, but you wouldn't want to go back there permanently.