Struggling without DC

[MotherOfFerals]

It's been a year after divorce and I see them 4 days a week sharing custody with their dad. I have never been so miserable. I think about them all the time when I don't have them and only feel complete when they're with me.
I've tried the 'go out and have fun and do all the things you couldn't when you were with them 24/7' but it's fake.
They're young which makes it worse. I initiated the split as I was so utterly miserable. I have given away half their childhood and the guilt and misery is overwhelming.
Not sure what I'm asking for- a magic wand?

How old are they OP?

What do you mean by 'given away half their childhood'? Does their father lock them in a cupboard for three days a week or does he parent them, same as you?

You've not given away half their childhood at all. Many divorced people end up spending more QUALITY time with their kids because it’s not every day.

Lots of parents have to work late or work some weekends and your relationship with your children won’t be affected at all.

What you need to remember is that they are better with a happy Mummy, setting them an example of how to have a happy life and in a miserable marriage it’s not the best for them or the bets example to set either. I grew up with unhappy parents and it was horrible.

I can tell you I have my DC every day (and ADORE him) but it’d be nice to have a night off once a week! Can you maybe look into some adult activities, maybe going on a few dates, maybe having some dinner parties? Or even volunteer for something? Mum is not all there is to you...you might discover all sorts of fun things.

You can then say...wow...aren’t I lucky. 3 nights a week I get to do lots of fun adult stuff and 4 nights a week I am playing Mummy.

Hi mother,

poor you, it must be terrible. But trust me on this, it will get better with time. You will grow to love your child free time, just don't rush it. Until then suck it up?

I feel just the same OP. My ExH is wanting more time with DC. It's awful. They grow up so fast.

Do you believe your children are not being cared for when with their father? What was the reason for the break-up?

Hi motherofferals

I think the really hard part comes from having to override the mothering instinct which says we should be there to protect and look after our children all of the time. Especially when they are very young but even when they are older (and in some ways teenagers are more fragile / potentially vulnerable).

I don't have any advice as such but I really understand how you feel. As cogito says I think a lot hinges on how you feel your ex looks after them when he has them and what the communication is like between the two of you.

It is hard and especially if it wasn't your 'fault' that the marriage broke down. My DP has found it very difficult.

No,they're not in an orphanage or locked in a cupboard when I don't have them. They are very well looked after by their dad. But they are creating a life and memories I'm not part of.
No option but to suck it up. But I hate it.

I suppose the other side to that is that they will have memories with you and without your ex. I would hate it too however. Or maybe it takes longer for the brain to adapt to what is a mammoth change.

I don't know why you split with your ex but maybe one thing to think is that the memories you are creating in your 4 days a week may be happier than the ones you would have created with your ex. I sometimes wonder about this with regard to my family. My h and I are still together but our relationship is not a good one. I worry that my dc will be affected by that .

" But they are creating a life and memories I'm not part of. "

All DCs do that. The older they get, the less involved you become. They go to school and there's six hours of every day they're making memories with other people. First school trip away from home... more memories you're not party to. It's natural to miss your DCs when they're not with you but, if you fight them having independent experiences, you'll not only create stress for yourself but you'll take something away from them.

I was really struggling with this, I spent the first few weekend they were away with STXBH just lying on my sofa sleeping and feeling empty, then one weekend I decided to focus on their return and made a cake and lasagne for when they got back and made sure to schedule some time for stuff that's hard to do with them in tow, that weekend felt better.

Then I started to relax into the child free time and one weekend I was sat in my garden reading a book and having a glass of wine on sunny Sun avo and found myself looking at my watch and 'thnking dagnammit they'll be back soon and my peace will be shattered' rather than 'how many more minutes til they're back'. ....I felt like a selfish awful mother for about 5 minutes then I remembered that they were having a good time with STBXH and the next weekend would be my turn.

Have spent this summer hols doing alternate weeks with STBXH with both of us taking the kids on trips on the weeks we had them. I was dreading it, I was so so scared of the summer hols and not having the big family trip to look forward to....but it was brilliant. My kids were at home for a total of 4 days all summer, they toured the UK, saw friends and did cool stuff with each of us. Some of their memories and favourite things from the summer are the disney dad stuff they did with him, some are the much more crunchy parent stuff they did with me....a nice mix, they had a ball and I had time off from them so I really appreciated them and was less stressed mum when I was with them rather than fed up doing it all grumpy mum.

I don't know how helpful that is but I was the instigator of my split from STBXH and spent a time in a hole of despair about how much I'd miss my kids and so forth...but it does get better and the main thing is that they are happy and thriving.

Take care, it's hard.

It took me about about three years to adjust. I still feel some occaisional passing angst (it's 7 years now). At first I had to have company every minute they weren't here.

I empathize with you. My DD's contact time with ExP had varied over time between nothing and fifty fifty. Currently is about 70 percent with me. When my daughter is away I feel like part of me is missing. It's hard because it's not like I've chosen to send her off on a fun weekend with her grandparents or something, she's away from me without it really being ok with me.

One thing I do to cope is stay busy - have plans, something to do away from the house, or invite visitors. I'm lucky in that I have non-resident step kids, so having them over to visit when DD is away helps a lot.

Their childhood is theirs and you've given them the gift of not spending most of it missing one of their parents.

My exH and I do 50/50 and, at times, I do find it rough but I do enjoy my time on my own too. There's always a bit of me that misses DC though, but I've adjusted. Yes, it is sad for me, but I'm a grown-up and I can, and have to, deal with it. And for me, this is better than the alternative even though it sometimes makes me sad too.