Sleep issues in a relationship

[DollyDreamboat]

I've been with my DP for over 3 years and we live together.

There is a real issue between us, and it's getting worse.

DP stays up much later than me - I usually go to bed at around 11 or half past during the week and get up at 6 for work. He doesn't come to bed until at least 3am most nights, and usually falls asleep on the sofa way before then.

I'm getting really fed up at going to bed on my own every night. I could understand it if I went to bed early all the time, but I don't.

One of the reasons he says he does it, is that he wants to make the most of his evening as we both spend all day at work, I totally get that.

But it's lonely when it happens all the time. On the odd occasion that he comes to bed at the same time as me, I've woken a couple of hours later and he's gone again

I find it upsetting. I know that sounds daft. I don't want to tell him what time to go to bed, he's a grown man - but I also don't understand why he feels the need to stay up so late every night.

He disturbs me when he comes to bed - I'm not a particularly light sleeper, but he faffs around getting into bed and putting his phone on charge and wakes me almost every night.

I'm aware that this sounds like a really trivial complaint, I know. But it's affecting my relationship more than it should and I can't see a way forward.

Does anyone have this problem? What do you do? Just let them get on with it? Does it damage your relationship?

That sounds really, really hard, Dolly. I don't think it's trivial at all. It's hard to know what's the real cause of it though. On the one hand he could just be really selfish - it's really not ok to be waking someone up on a regular basis. Is there anywhere else he could sleep when he comes to bed late?

On the other hand, I don't want to be too harsh on him. He may have a sleeping disorder. I have one called DSPS (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome) which means my natural sleep cycle is out of synch with the rest of society (and not as a result of anything I can control; I was just born with it). I hate going to bed early as I'm often just starting to wake up and feel like I'm at my most happy late at night. I have medication now though and that really really helps although it's not a complete cure.

Have you spoken to him about this? Even if you have he may not be aware of having a disorder even if he has one. Chances are though he may also not be aware of how selfish he's being if this is just about selfishness. Seeing a doctor might help if he genuinely finds it hard to sleep at "normal" times. Otherwise you just need to make sure you've done everything to communicate how upset this is making you (if you haven't already). If he doesn't appear to care then that's not good news and it might be time to think seriously about the future of the relationship.

I'm a bit busy at the moment but feel free to PM me about any of the sleep stuff if I'm not back on the thread tomorrow....

My dh does this, but only really in the last year or so after many years of more normal sleep. He finds it hard to relax in bed, often worrying about noises. He is aware it's a bit irrational. Is your dp anxious about anything? I notice that fil and bil also have some sleep issues and snore. All 3 are somewhat overweight so I wonder if this is an issue too.

My dh is considerate with it though. We both usually put our pjs on earlier in the evening to relax and he has a second toothbrush in the downstairs bathroom so he doesn't use our ensuite. He charges stuff downstairs. Can your dp adjust his routine so he can just creep quietly into bed?

I know what you mean about loneliness but we have been together many more years than you so I sometimes quite like the bed to myself!

I don't like it when DH comes to bed late. Waking up with him not there both upsets me and makes me cross. I usually bang on the floor as know he will have fallen asleep on the sofa and have a crick in his neck if he doesn't come up to bed.

This happened for several nights in a row so I told him how much I missed him coming to bed with me, our little chats and cuddle before sleep. He try's to come with me most nights now.

Also I read that statistics show couples who regularly go to bed at the same time have stronger relationships so tell him that too.

Perhaps give bedtime a positive routine of a catch up and giggle over talking rubbish like when you first met plus a back stoke or just a nice long cuddle.

Good luck.

Thanks for your responses, am just on way to work but will come back later I promise!

I think it is important. That time between going to bed and falling asleep is often the only time a busy couple has to reconnect, chatting and cuddling as the PP pointed out. When he chooses the TV and sofa over being in bed with you, he's also saying you're the least attractive option.

What time does he have to get up in the morning?

sleepingbetternow82 - I know he doesn't disturb me on purpose, he's just a big bloke and our bedroom is tiny!

I have spoken to him about this many, many times. He says he understands, but then proceeds to do nothing any differently.

fruitpastille DP hasn't always been like this, it's only been about the last year or so that it's got really bad. He's not a particular worrier imo, he just wants loads of downtime.

ColdCottage it makes me cross too, and I can't explain why. I think it's because he knows it upsets me and pisses me off and does nothing to change it.

Cogito THIS!! This is what I try to explain to him. What is so important that it's worth risking your relationship for? What is it that you need to do so much? Watch endless repeats of Family Guy? Wtf?

He gets up at 6:45 and yawns all day and night. He's always tired but he won't admit it. He's what I call a 'Tired Denier'

I am so far from those people who can't sleep when their partner isn't there - I love my own space, and enjoy going to bed on my own sometimes. I just feel lonely and it upsets me that he doesn't seem to give a toss.

My ex did this. Every night on the sofa asleep, sleeping awkwardly and snoring loudly enough to wake me upstairs. The times I got up, went down, and woke him and asked him to come to bed. I lost count. Or he came to bed and woke me every time. I had years of broken sleep. I felt lonely. And it was exacerbated by his sleep apnoea and horrendous snoring. I felt I was going loopy with broken sleep and his refusal to address the problems.

Turns out he was rather abusive.

The bit you write that concerns me is I think it's because he knows it upsets me and pisses me off and does nothing to change it. That is actually more worrying than the rest. The fact that you are talking in terms of risking your relationship and he is not taking notice. That is disrespectful of you and your needs.

Is he a good partner in other ways?

I always go to bed later than my dp who always wakes when I get in bed though I try to be quiet. I love him deeply but him insisting I go to bed with him would go down badly as would me insisting he stays up with me.

Couple time does matter but it surely doesn't have to be in bed?

DH and I keep different hours too, that's nothing to do with choosing TV over him as we connect before he goes to bed and our sex life is good too.

Truth is that I need far less sleep than him and am very much a morning person too as that's when I'm at my best. If I need more sleep, I go to bed earlier to preserve my mornings.

The fact if he needs more sleep he 'chooses' to stay in bed in the morning rather than cutting short his evenings and going up to bed earlier to make the most of the day doesn't mean a thing. He could say the same of me, that I should go to bed later and sleep in with him. Who's to say who is right? We just have different preferences.

As far as the waking you up, have you actually given him an alternative routine rather than just pointing out that he wakes you up? Eg, he should get undressed in the bathroom and out his phone on charge downstairs. I know many would say you shouldn't have to and I used to feel the same until experience taught me it's better for us both to not just say what we don't like but to give an alternative at the same time.

Does he ever say that he feels lonely and misses your company and would like you to stay up with him?

I do accept that we keep different times - and Milly, I made a deal with him a while ago that I would try and stay up late a couple of times a week, so I stay up til about 1am at the weekends - he STILL stays up loads later than me!

This is a really important issue.
We got married in our early 30s so habits were well-entrenched. My ex-H always maintained he couldn't go to sleep unless he read in bed for half an hour first. He knew I couldn't go to sleep if he was reading. He won - for 16 years I slept with eye shades and put up with his bad temper if I dared to suggest it was time to turn out the light.

More importantly, he decided to spend every evening from 9pm onwards in a different room and we never went to bed together. Of course this meant we never cuddled up on a sofa, never chatted, never laughed over a film or TV or programme - and never had sex as I was either asleep or pretending to be asleep when he came upstairs. And it was this that killed our marriage in the end.

Your DP is voluntarily choosing not to engage with you, to listen to you or to try to compromise. You are losing intimacy and he is checking out emotionally.

Does he fully understand how important this issue is? Can you make it a serious issue to help him understand?

I think you have to try and be a bit understanding of different sleep patterns, but with consideration of each other, and I do think the onus is on the one with the unusual pattern to adapt more towards normality.

I have odd sleep patterns. Left to my own devices I'd get in from work, have a snooze on sofa for a couple of hours, have dinner, then be up till 2-3am. Then wake up again at 6-7ish. It works for me. It does not work in a relationship, so once DP and I moved in together I retrained myself to a more normal sleep pattern. We go to bed together and wake up together. It's nice.

I'm still a nightime 'lurker' as DP puts it - I tend to wake up in the night, especially if I'm stressed or worried about anything - and I like to get up and pootle about a bit. Quietly. He doesn't like it much but accepts it's part of me. I do my best not to wake him up.

Your DH is being very inconsiderate.

I've always needed at the very minimum of 7 hours, preferably more, and like to go to bed early. My OH needs less. We do get up early for work (6am), so we've compromised on going to bed at 10 - he'd rather 11, but I can't cope with that. Going to bed together is important and I'd hate to miss out on that time together. It is a compromise though, as I know he's naturally more of a night owl and he'd happily stay up till 1am despite getting up early. We both do sport and that tires us out, which helps him sleep earlier than his natural rhythm dictates.

My ex was distant and our relationship was crap, one symptom (among many) was that we never, ever, ever went to bed together. I'd go first, super early (to get away from him), he'd sit up on the computer half the night. It was a sign of bad things.