Is it my job to look after my DH emotionally?

[Knackeredmum13]

I mean in terms of coaxing him to talk about his feelings, and asking him how he is all the time? My DH seems to think that I should be doing this whereas I feel it's not my responsibility and that as a grown up he should come to me.
DH tends to bottle things up until they reach crisis point and either we end up having a big row, or he uses it as an excuse to go on a drinking session. Whenever this happens he always complains that I never ask him how he is and as a result he keeps things inside.
If I have an issue or am upset about something, whether connected to our marriage or something else entirely, I tell him about it and get whatever it is off my chest. I don't sit and brood and wait for him to read my mind and ask if everything is ok.
Am I being horrible and selfish here? I feel that I have enough on my plate without being his emotional care taker too. Obviously if he wanted to talk to me about something I'd be happy to listen, but should I be pre empting him and making sure I ask the right questions to encourage him to open up to me just in case there's an issue?

What are the issues he has that cause him to reach crisis point on a regular basis?

It sounds as if it is not in his character to be find it easy to be open and talk about his feelings, whereas for you, it is.

Is it fair for you to expect him to change something that is a part of his character make-up, in order to do things your way? If he doesn't change, are you happy to leave him on his own with any problems he has?

It isn't easy living with someone like this - dh and I are like your dh and you, but I accept that that is the way he is, and is try to help him talk about his feelings.

Is it that hard to ask him how he is feeling? Isn't that what one does for someone one loves?

For the record, I am not saying that it is the responsibility of the wife to care for the hipusband's emotional health - I would be saying the same if it was your dh saying you were the one who couldn't talk about their feelings/problems.

I don't think you should have to coax things out of him but you should occasionally ask if something's bothering him.

My DH was raised to believe that men just got on with it no matter what was wrong so tends to bottle things up. I've got pretty good at knowing when something's wrong and make a point of asking him. But then I can be the same sometimes though I usually talk his ear off when something's on my mind.

IMO being in a relationship means that you ask how the other person is regularly, especially when you can tell something's on their mind.

IMO being in a relationship means that you ask how the other person is regularly, especially when you can tell something's on their mind

I agree with this.

Obviously if someone regularly flounces about and bangs the cupboard doors while you're trying to get the kids out the door for school then they're a self-absorbed tit. But I do think that speaking and listening to your partner is sort of the point of a relationship.

That's odd. Do you guys not just ask each other how you are kind of every day in general?

I don't think it's your JOB to do so, but it is nice to be cared for and care about your DP in a relly. Unsure about asking leading questions however. Maybe you should go on one of those improve-your-communication couples counselling courses?

As others have said really. If its in his nature to bottle things up, and you notice something isnt quite right, then youd want to know whats bothering him, right? He may not be able to verbalise it as freely as you would without a bit of coaxing.

I dont agree with using it as an excuse to go on a drinking session tbh. But you should notice something is a bit off before that happens and start asking questions. You know his personality, you married him, so it is your responsibility to care for him emotionally.

Something that is both annoying and really comforting is that dh can tell just by glancing at me that something is up with me. When I'm gritting my teeth and pushing on through, it makes me feel very loved that he will say 'you look upset/tense/like you did the last time x happened' and I open my mouth to say 'it's all fine' and find myself saying 'well, funny you asked...' It feels good that he pays attention to me, that he knows me so well and cares enough to ask.

It sounds like you have different languages of love, or whatever the phrase is - and he needs you to talk his language from time to time to feel loved. I do think that's part of a LTR. Though over time, he should get better at recognising when you are speaking your language of love as well.

I actually dont think you should be his emotional caretaker. He should be adult enough to tell you when something is up and vice versa. Sounds rather childish to me to be honest, or manipulative in order to go get rat arsed and blame you.

I should probably admit here that our marriage really isn't in a good place at the moment. I probably don't make the effort to sit down and ask DH how he is, more than the cursory greeting when we get home from work. I feel like I have so much on my plate, and so much is my responsibility that I really do resent being expected to make the time to coax him into opening up.

I rush home from work ( hour commute) to collect our baby, then when I get home I don't get to sit down for hours as there's so much to do. As an example the other night I got home and started cooking, then I sorted washing, tidied the place up, sorted out the baby's bag for nursery and bathed the baby. I finally sat down for the first time 2 hours after I got home.
DH got home, got himself changed and ironed himself a shirt for the next day. All things that only benefit him. I asked him to play with the baby and he just lay on the bed as he was so "tired" and expected the baby to entertain himself next to him. That pretty much sums up our life. So I'm usually so annoyed by him that if I'm honest I don't feel like I care to ask him in depth questions about his day, his job etc.

does he do the same for you ?

No he doesn't but I am not the type to sit on things. I talk if something is bothering me. So I've never really had to test and see whether he would ask me about things.

Does he look after you emotionally? Does he ask about your day and listen to you?

I think if you are the main carer it does get knackering - and sometime you just don't have anything left to give.

What is his involvement with parenting/housework etc? From your example above it sounds like you are both working and you are doing the bulk of parenting and house work, and then H comes home and expects you to nurture and take care of him too?

If that is the case I'm surprised you can bring yourself to talk to him, let along nurture him emotionally.

XPost

Doesnt sound like a loving partnership to me....

Two babies then OP

I hear what you are saying - you feel undervalued and unappreciated. Those conditions make it very difficult to want to speak frankly about emotions, opinions and views and the last thing you want to do is try and coax it out of him. I guess because he's not exactly considering your needs and preferences, it isn't as if his emotions are high on your list of "what to do next". And no, you need not be an emotional caretaker - even if your DH is backwards in coming forwards, he entered a marriage with you because he trusts your judgement as a wife and a mother and therefore, could talk to you if he chooses to.

My DP has grown up in a (stifled) environment where emotions are private and not at all a subject of discussion. Conversely, I am an emotional person, driven by feelings, thoughts and opinions - it is a challenge for us to be singing off the same hymn sheet and it often results in me feeling he is being complacent and him feeling I'm being a bit needy. We don't have DC, but work ridiculously long hours with reasonably stressful jobs and it's very easy for us to lapse into what I call the "twilight zone" where neither of us is really being very considerate. Sometimes we nip it in the bud straight away, other times (like now) it manifests into an all out shitfest where I cry a lot and he buries in head in the sand. I'm stressed to the max with work and study and realised my approach in telling DP how I felt was more accusatory than informing, so I wrote him an e-mail to explain - I could sit and think rather than blurting it out, and it's helped us a lot.

Is there anyway you can arrange to have an evening where your DC are either looked after or otherwise elsewhere so you could do something you both enjoy doing - cinema, meal, walk, drive? It would give you a bit of time for your DH to have a chance to explain how he's feeling, if there is anything he needs to discuss. Whilst you and I may only need a few minutes/half hour to explain what is wrong/what we need/what we're feeling, your DH (and my DP) may require a more prolonged introduction into bringing it up. It can be frustrating because time alone is not easy (and can be costly if it involves going out/having a babysitter) but it really is important for your both to 'reset' the emotional equality of your relationship. When we're rushing to explain how we feel we end up saying stuff that may come across incorrectly or judged wrongly - some breathing space allows you to think more objectively about what to say and how to response.

Sounds to me like you have two babies.

Sounds like you could use some time to reconnect. Was your relationship like this before baby came along? Could you get a babysitter and go for a meal one night to talk properly?

My dp needs coaxing and I'm happy to do it for the good of our relationship. Not all the time but every so often. Makes my life easier so worth the effort! I'm an open book so he doesn't have to do the same for me.

I do feel like I am the only one " in charge" at times, and that if I don't do things myself, or prompt him to do things then nothing really gets done.
I do find my DH quite feeble at times too which doesn't help me to feel sympathetic to him. I am quite a get on with it type person. I'm tired when I get him from work, but there are things that need doing, that's life so I get on with it. He is more " I've been at work all day, I'm so tired I've got to sit down" type. If we get home and the baby is screaming with tiredness then I think the priority should be getting him to bed. DH will prioritise himself getting changed, going to the loo etc ( and I mean those loo visits only men seem to have, that last ages not just a quick wee). So I do get annoyed and snappy with him which obviously doesn't help.
I think another issue we have is that DH likes to big himself up a lot. I find this irritating and I start to shut down and not want to listen to him. I've tried talking to him about it but he still does it. His excuse is that he needs to do it as nobody will do it for him. It is such a turn off to me though it really is. He always has to paint himself out to be the hero in any situation and I find it so wearisome ( plus it's just not true a lot of the time).

Just seems to me time and time again the man gets away with far too much (sighs, when will it change)