sister in abusive relationship-what to do?

[UpUpAndAway123]

Hello,

Hoping for some advice, apologies in advance for typos as on my phone.

My sister is in a relationship with (to put it bluntly) a twat. He shags whoever he wants, lets her down constantly, is unreliable and puts everything in his life before her (including ex who he sleeps with often). He ruined my other sister's wedding and as a family we tolerate him.
However, things have recently taken a further turn for the worst. He kicked the shit out of her on Sunday night to the point where she thought he would kill her....strangled, chipped teeth, bruises everywhere (he even pulled her pants down to punch her where no one would see), hand imprints on her bod etc. She said she was splitting with him but refused to go to the police (we even reported it and an officer came round but she refused to say anything). He eventually apologised for 'hitting her back' (she never hit him, he started to strangle her as soon as she came in the door-she scratched at his face as she was starting to pass out).
Well you may have guessed it....she hasn't split up with him and intends to stay with him..... "you are all over playing things"....."he won't do it again"....."I might have hit him first"......"other people have fights but are happy".
We are just at a loss at what we can do. She is beautiful, intelligent, has an excellent career yet thinks this is normal behaviour. I don't know why she has such low self esteem to think that she deserves this. We have tried everything but she won't listen to us or her friends.
I sent her an email last night explaining that I will always be there for her as I don't want her to get any more isolated but also my fears/concerns for her safety and her future. I have sent her a link to women's aid. I am now just not going to mention it to her as don't want to push her away.
Any other advice?

I think you have done what you can.

I think you should keep contacting the police. Yes, they usually wait for the victim to press charges but there is a point, if they've been called out three or four times to someone who is obviously being assaulted, that they will go ahead and prosecute without the cooperation of the victim.

I feel for you as it is so hard to have this happen to your sister.For many yrs mine was pushed downstairs while pregnant,her ex tried to push her out of his car on the motorway, fights galore for years (they had 3 kids together) police came out to some of the incidents.There was nothing we could do eventually she got a quick divorce but not before he broke her ribs!
Nothing like this had happened in our family before.

She's addicted and befogged and manipulated and she probably does genuinely believe he won't do it again. And when he does, be there for her so you know it's happened and can report it.

:( no advice but I'm just so sad for you and for her.

There for the grace of god go I.

You have done the right thing. I hope others can advise you.

Maybe encourage her to write down the things that happened and things that are said. Obviously not somewhere where he will ever find it. When I was in an abusive relationship I found my work diary good, it reminded me of previous events.

I left after he tried to strangle me, mid attack I had genuinely believed I was going to die. I left that night. Previously it was easier and less hassle to stay with him...

Has she read why does he do that? Could you have a copy in your house and encourage her to read it? I wish I had had mumsnet. I was young and very befuddled.

I hope she gets out soon.

I have been in exactly your position. My sister got free of her exP a year ago and she still has to call the police on am almost weekly basis.

She was with him for 16yrs, and they have 2 dc . The turning point for her was when her youngest started school and she started working again, over the last 3 yrs together she slowly began to realise how bad things were, (I think she'd become desensitised when she was at home all day) and to get gradually stronger until she was ready to take action. She got help from a women's aid group.

From what she has said to me, the biggest thing you can do for your sister is listen. Don't judge. Don't offer advice unless it's asked for. Just be there for support for her to talk to.

Don't get me wrong it's bloody hard to do sometimes... I've put the phone down and broke my heart feeling her pain and in anger and frustration at being so helpless. But she didn't ever need to know I felt like that.

Now she is out the other end.... Well not completely he's a psycho.... She has said that knowing she had someone to turn to who wouldn't judge was the best thing... So I'm glad I curbed the urge to score LTB every day.

Long reply but your situation just pulled at my heart, I hope your sister finds the strength she needs to survive and escape xx

It's tragic. All I can advise is the same as others; to be there for her, to listen to her and tell her that you love her. You can write any incidents down that you are made aware of, take photos if possible and keep them as evidence. This man sounds unbelievably dangerous. I guess he finds excuses every time and your sister probably forgives him and has come to accept this as normal. If you are ever around when he is being abusive or shortly afterwards then I would advise you to call the police. She may not give a statement but it will all go down on his record which may be used against him one day.
Sadly not much else you can do until she finally finds the strength and means to leave him. Unfortunately, many women 'prefer' this life to a life without their partner as they fear being alone etc.
Stay strong for her. Your pain must be unimaginable.

I'm sorry but listening and loving is going to be no good when she's found dead at the foot of the stairs. The violence described here is severe and life-threatening. There has to be direct intervention

Thank you for commenting and your advice. Cogito- I don't know how else we can intervene, my other sister is a police officer and she is the one who has reported it and got a local officer to come round-my sister refused to speak to him. She is going to speak to the domestic violence team and see what they say, we have got pictures and she has told enough people so maybe they can do something?
My dad is going to go to her house every day to ensure she is ok. I have 4 sisters and we have each told her until we are blue in the face, we have pleaded, shouted, cried, advised, informed but she still won't listen to us. I just hope that in the future she does before it's too late x

If you have physical evidence of assault and a clearly intimidated victim, too frightened to say anything, I think the police have to act. There must be a point where an uncooperative adult becomes a vulnerable adult and has to be saved from themselves.

You say you plead and shout at your sister. What do you do to her attacker? Confront him or leave him alone on the basis that it'll only make matters worse for her?

Domestic violence is highly complex. If she will not enable and maybe does not want the police to intervene then this makes their job extremely difficult. Having said that, the police do and will intervene and prosecute but the implications could be huge. She may well have to go into hiding or she may well choose to stay with this man and suffer the consequences. Nobody can make her talk to police or leave him. It often takes years or indeed a lifetime before the victim gets to the right place to be able (physically, mentally and financially) to leave an abuser. If the family intervene and he ends up being prosecuted then she may well side with her man and cut all ties with her family. There are rarely simple solutions to domestic violence.
She has a loving, supportive family and she is incredibly fortunate to have that. Many abusers ensure that their partner is cut off from friends and family thus strengthening their own power over the victim.
I truly hope that the DV team can give her some significant support. She may listen to them more than her own family but I suspect that your sister will say that she loves this man, and that seems, sadly, to override anything else.

I hear what you're saying heyday but there has to be a situation where someone is deemed not to have the mental ability to decide whether to leave or stay. If this woman was a child being regularly abused by an adult - let's say a parent - and there was photographic, eye-witness and other evidence, they wouldn't be allowed to stay with them, no matter how much they said they wanted to. The woman isn't a child, of course, but she's clearly vulnerable and suffering mental stress.

I'd normally say the same as others in this situation i.e. there's nothing the OP can do, it's very frustrating, but they have to wait for the victim to ask for help and be there when they do. But in this case there is a body of evidence proving sustained and extreme violence. It's not just hearsay or a suspicion for once. She appears to be a dead woman waiting to happen...