help in composing nice, non-judgemental messages to divorcing friends

[kiritekanawa]

We've just heard that two of our best, most wonderful, long term friends are divorcing, under circumstances where both are pretty much OK with it, and it's really not clear one is to blame, but that one might get quite a lot of flak from unthinking people who don't know the full circumstances.

We'd like to provide support and we are totally non-judgemental about the situation, but we also don't want to come across as patronizing or intrusive.

We're trying to compose emails to each of them and everything looks too hands-off, or too intrusive, or too patronising. Basically we want to say "we're here if you need us, we're not judging you, and we want to stay friends with both of you, while being sensitive to your needs"

What would you want to hear from friends under such circumstances?

I wouldn't want to receive an email, if they are your best friends why not speak to them, an email is so impersonal?

Just tell them you are sorry to hear about their divorce and that the marriage didn't work out, you are there to listen to them whenever they want to and periodically when you feel they need it tell them again that they have your support.

My friend texts me this and I see her quite regularly but the texts help to keep my spirits up in between the times I see her.

good luck but keep it face to face when you can, the physical presence is more important then the texts in between to ask how are you today etc.

I think if your friends are your best friends, and long term, then just having each over for a brew and a chat or a phonecall would be nicer than an email... but that's just me :)

I'm not poopooing your ideas, you two will know them better than anyone, I was just putting in an opinion of the approach I would like.

Good luck with it!

sorry should have clarified we're in different countries, and they've never really been phonecall-y sort of people, they would hide away if they thought they were potentially going to have a difficult conversation. They're also quite tied to their email, so writing is probably the best way to get through to them and not be intrusive.

I wouldn't have wanted an email, or a text, or a card, or in fact any form of note. It's a platitude, but suggests you don't want to actually speak to them because it is too awkward. Call, or catch up with them in person, although obviously not together.

Sorry, x-post

Then I guess writing is the only thing you can do.

If they have told you about the divorce and you haven't heard it from someone else then I'd email them. I wouldn't want to hear anything from my friend about my situation, just that we're here if you need anything and nothing will change...etc

If they haven't told you themselves yet, then I wouldn't say anything to them.. nothing worse than thinking you are being gossiped about!

OK- thanks for the ideas. To clarify further (sorry this is now looking like drip feeding, it's more me being mentally disorganized in this territory), the husband has told my DH, in person because they were at a work meeting together and then got the train together.

DH essentially said "gosh, er, sympathy, I'm here if you need me" face to face, and then they went back to talking work as the husband was clearly not really in the mood to say more. Dh and I wanted to say something to each of them, together, now that he's told me about it.

I think calling is a nice gesture, just saying "how are you, thinking of you, lots of love". So much more personal, then you can follow up with an email if you need to, or better, a real card with a stamp and everything, just sending love.